If you were to sing about it, it would be a beautiful melody.
If you were to call it beautiful, it would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
If you were to say it was confusing, it would be a world of that.
If you were to want it to end, it would seem to last forever.
If you were to ask me, well, this is what I would say....
That first night i was allowed to see you in a different light, a light that shined into (what I sometimes believe will be) the future, was a night that I will hold in the depths of my memory. The street-lamps lining the road shone just bright enough to lead the way for me to your truck, and the air whisked through my hair as the nocturnal creatures came to life & sang their songs.
You were so ordinary to everyone around us; you had always been the same person to them, but to me.. well, to me you were changing into someone new, and you were so oblivious to that. You were changing to me because you were tearing down walls that I had built in order to guard my heart, ones that I thought no one could ever crawl over or tear down. You did just that, and that's why you were changing. I never pictured you going to such an extent, especially since you were doing it in such a nonchalant way. It was almost like you had no idea.
You didn't really do anything right or wrong; it just seemed perfect to me, other than the fact that you scared me. You intimidated me, and for the first time in my life, it was okay to feel that way. No one else had ever had that affect on me, and I will admit that I was unsure but willing to deal with it. You still scare me.
Maybe it was in the moment that your hand fell into mine, weaving your five fingers into my five, our skin colors clashing together as you squeezed my hand tightly. Maybe it was the echoes of laughter that floated through the air on the way home. Maybe it was the sparkles in those amazing eyes of yours, or the way your hair sometimes managed to stray into your face. I don't quite know for sure, but there was something that triggered this unending adventure that I still find myself thinking about.
That was a perfect night to count. I've documented so many of those in my mind, yet I itch to write them on paper. I say that to tell that it has not always been a perfect, beautiful, or flawless thing. . . You know me, and I would like to say that i know you. You know me well enough to know what drives me right to the edge of my nerves. My best example of that would be to tell the story of nights ago, days uncountable, when I slammed your truck door, thinking you'd stick around. I turned to see your tail lights glowing at the end of my drive. I had no intentions of turning back. Once I was inside, it didn't take long for me to realize that I was already empty. I knew what I had done wasn't the right thing, no matter how angry you'd made me. I also knew that what you had done wasn't right either, but I put that aside, along with my stubborn pride and called you. You knew the entire time, whether you will ever admit to it or not, that I would give in.
Needless to say, I was almost in tears as I waited for your return. I never wanted to fight with you. I've really always tried to keep the peace, and just when I don't believe I can do that any more, I remember times like these i've written about..the things that have gotten us here today. Sure, there have been many times when we have given up without too much of a fight, but whether we truly like it or not, something has always brought us back. Everytime.
Your lights broke up the darkness of the night as your turned into the driveway. I sat and waited for you to park, only to anxiously get up and meet you at your door with a hug and endless "I'm sorry's".
I do believe that sometimes I owe you an apology, and I do say those words freely to ease the tension of a situation when in reality you should be the one initiating apologies.
The truth of the matter is that I feel like sometimes you're simply not around anymore, and for some reason I expect you to be. I don't know if it's because of everything we have put each other through or this unending adventure we seem to be on. Maybe it's just because I have always had you around and I really don't know any different. It seems as if you're my security blanket, the one I depend upon to know me & define me when i'm having a hard time doing it myself, the one that has to be here in order for me to function properly and "be okay".
I know that you shouldn't unwillingly have that responsibility, but my heart can't do anything about that. My mind knows what should happen. I know what's right, and I know where I should move (forward), but that decision hasn't been made on my heart's end, and that is really what matters.
"people telling you to do it (and even saying you'll do it) isn't enough.
You have to be able to believe with everything that you have
that you are ready to move on,
and that you are going to move on no matter what.
That's the only way it'll happen"
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