Friday, January 15, 2010

your words in my memory are like music to me..

She's got a bumper like a billboard
Covered in stickers of her favorita band
She's got a hangful of records that she turns to
When she needs to land
She's a saturday night parade through the streets
That all eyes some to see including me

She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere

Where is this going? Back to where we've been? Because, quite frankly, my heart can't handle that anymore. You have me wrapped so tightly around everything that you say & do. So tightly to where I become blinded by your "innocence". The truth is, you're really not all that innocent yourself, but I could never tell myself that. I could never take you down from your pedestal because that's the way i've always known you; to stand so high, to never fall, to react in subtle ways, to keep hearts free of the need to be mended, but now..not so much.
You and I have always been "you and I". No one has ever asked questions about it; well, maybe a few times, but they let it go for something that they just simply cannot understand. I have no idea what to even think now. When I'm back in that place, the memories sweep over me like a broom to a hardwood floor, even making that awful scratchy sound, but in the end the memories sweep away all the bad, all the dust, all the things that (in the end) don't matter anyway. Then it's just us, our forgotten time that we could've waisted together, and our pride that still outweighs our entire relationship. What has to happen for us both to just come to a realization that the PAST is the PAST.. You have no idea how i'd love to always be there for you, by your side, no matter what, you?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

rained in.

Many of you have asked about the paintings I did for Christmas presents, and although I did a post on my paintings back in the summer, I decided to repost those pictures in case you didn't catch a look. Here you go!

Some of the picture quality isn't so fancy, and there's glare from the flash, but hopefully you grasp the idea.!

p.s. - Mrs. Connie, don't shoot me, yours is a WORK IN PROGRESS. I will have to share the story! Whew!

Monday, January 4, 2010

nothing feels the same.

I was just going through my myspace page (that i never check) when i realized that the last time i updated it had to've been this summer. When I read through it, a million emotions from the summer flooded back over me, and then my computer starts playing my music selection that I had posted on my Myspace.
It was almost suddenly that I realized just how much music gets me through so many different situations in life. I have friends who pay absolutely no attention to the lyrics of a song, they simply listen to the beat. Me? When i'm listening, i'm so focused on hearing the artists voice and their words that I hardly catch the beat the first time.
If you were riding with me, getting ready with me, or even around me for longer than five minutes, you've heard the song that describes my day, mood, and more than likely, my thoughts. So many times I just drive down the road alone and listen to music. That is therapy for me, and that is what causes me to get all of my emotions out on the line.
Today my music is sad & deep, but that's only because that is what kind of mood i'm in.

On a different note: it's 2010!!!!!
WOW. Let's see if I can rehash the last year! ...

In december of 2008: I started dating someone, and I was a happy little girl. I spent all of my time with him: hunting, riding, family functions, and friend ordeals. I did all of my Christmas presents at Dandy Doodles, and we had a big mud riding out at my best friends house.

January: In January, just as I was getting to know one of the sweetest men i've ever met in my life, tragedy struck & The Lord took him to sing with the angels. This man is stained into my memory, and I will always look up to him. His smile was one that could light up a room, he was not short of wit, his personality was one of the best ones i've ever known. He was truly a good man who loved his job & family, and he also made it so easy for people to fall in love with him. I think about him all the time. I think about him walking us out of the door and sayin, "ya'll come on back here pretty quick.!" -- Never did I think that looking back at him in the doorway would be the last chance i'd ever have at seeing his face. He's the kind of man I can imagine telling my children about. I still can't go by the scene of the accident without having to turn down the radio & cry for even just a minute. He was such a special man. He was loved abundantly, and he will forever be missed.

February: In February, Megan and I rescued some puppies. Actually, it was all Megan's idea, I was just along for the ride. I had my first "real date" and I got a yellow betta fish and named him Frankie. Does that seem unimportant? I was OBSESSED with that fish. It was actually the reason behind one of the worst fights i've ever been involved in in my whole life (we won't go there.)

March: In March, it snowed. We also had our junior/senior play which consisted of a bunch of twisted fairytales. It was truly a great time. We had so much fun, although we all hated the practice, time, and effort that it took at some point. By the end when we were bowing, everyone (I believe) was glad that they took part in it. It was just another memory.

April: In April, I was a nervous wreck about prom, spent most of the month anxious, mad, and worried. At the end of Prom Night, I was THANKFUL that it was over. I will NOT miss Prom drama. I won't even say that I had the GREATEST time at prom, simply because this is my blog and I owe the truth to it -- i was not a happy red-head. The dress, the hair, the drama, the dancing - NOT my cup of tea. Give me some camouflage & a field full of doves. April was also Easter, and I spent it at two different houses..still a very happy girl.

May: In May, my daddy & mimi aged by one year & we celebrated that. I joined TWITTER, and I can honestly say it has been life-changing ;) okay, maybe i'm kidding about that, but I DO LOVE Twitter! The class of 2010 got together and initiated our first senior party. We spent the day on the lake, riding the boat, tubing, and tanning. We fixed supper & had a great time. It was in that moment that I realized how much I loved my class and all of our memories together. I started RIGHT THEN trying to grasp every second of our moments together, but there will always be part of me who wishes for more. My life, in a way, changed in May. I made a decision that ended up causing grief, saddness, humility, and pain. I never intentionally hurt anyone, but in the long run it would've been worse. My heart & mind were in two completely different rooms of a completely different house, & I had to reunite them. I can't say that it was best for everyone, but it was best for me at the time. Also, in May, my best friend left for Parris Island for USMC Basic Training. I was proud, nervous, sad, and happy all at once. I couldn't WAIT for my first letter.

June: In June, I went to the beach. My cousin/friend, Laura, went along with me. We tanned, ate, laughed, danced, sung, shopped, had a good time! I got my second or third letter while I was there, and I was SO excited!

July: In July, I went to the Neshoba County Fair. I had a wonderful time. I saw US, Neal McCoy, Santa Fe, and other small bands in concert there. It was a great time with great friends. I believe the highlight of that week was it raining, again. Hahaha. I continued writing to Parris Island at least 2 times a week. I started painting more, went snake hunting, and celebrated two of my friends birthdays.

August: In August, I enjoyed every minute of this month. Seriously. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience PFC Clinton Ballard Brown graduate from Marine boot camp, get to know his family a little more, play my "last-first" Fastpitch softball game, go to my "last-first" day of high school, enjoy my last days of a high school summer, listen to concert violinists (my DREAM is to be an amazing violinist), say "bye" (for the second time) to my best friend as he left to start more training, and turn 18 years old. I also started to grasp my very serious interest in photography this month when I decided to take the sidelines of all the football games. I also spent an afternoon with my WILD Lab, Mallard Marlee Made. Woaah.

September: In September, one of my best friends celebrated her 18th birthday as well, and we enjoyed being 2 of the VERY few in our class that were 18. Football games continued, I photographed Camp Rock Brooke (which was an awesome experience), and softball continued. My wonderful friend, Ashia & her husband Ben, welcomed sweet baby A into the world, and she started her journey of life. I was SUPER excited about her, and COULDN'T wait to see/hold her. One of the leaders on the football team was injured severely & was diagnosed with never being on the gridiron for a play again. I watched as his friends, teammates, and coaches all stayed behind him, encouraged him, and be let known that they needed & missed him dearly. My wonderful Mimi retired from 4-country electric power association where she held a position for over 20 years. She is a woman of wisdom, love, compassion, perseverance, and knowledge. She is my rock, my go-to, and she is an amazing lady. We won second place in the Northstate Championship for fastpitch softball, and I've never been so proud in my life. It was truly a happy moment! We went on to win third in the State.

October: In october, football was still in full throttle, Homecoming week stressed me out (but not as bad as prom - THANKFULLY), tears were shed & memories were made. My best friend graduated from training in NC and moved to VA to continue training until January '10. The Senior class invited the Juniors to a halloween dance, and we all had a great time. We finsihed up the softball games (that i mentioned in September) in Jackson this month. We ate at the Crawdad Hole & sang Karaoke to the coaches..and well, anyone who would listen really. I joined the "Apple" world after getting the new "MacBook Pro" and I was DEFINITELY excited about that!

November: In November, Football season ended, our boys had a GREAT year. They, of course, wanted it to go on forever. They truly played their hearts out. I spent a lot of time at the refuge captioning the changing of the leaves and the widlife that it has to offer. Once posting those on Facebook, more people started "noticing" my photography "liking". I was then asked to take 2 of my friends pictures for their Christmas card & that thoroughly excited me. I was being allowed to have a reason to do something I loved & it was actually for the benefit of another person/family. I texted the scores to countless football games. I fell in love with Skype & was able to virtually talk to my best friend and see him even though he's thousands of miles away. Technology is a beautiful thing! :)

December: In December, I took exams & thought it would be the death of me. I had four other photoshoots & everyone SAID they were pleased.! ;) I got to go on a hunt with my daddy (I do that a lot, but we normally don't sit together, and on this particular day we did) and I killed a 10 point. Not a huge deer, not a mounter, not a record-breaker, but I won't ever forget it or the story behind it. I had the best Christmas break that I think i've EVER had. My best friend came home, i played a lot of rockband, got to know a few dirt roads that i'd never been down before, re-lived some old memories with two people who have to be the craziest in the world, ALMOST got hit my many --- many deer in my truck (and DID get hit by one...NO DAMAGE, MOM), listened to music just a little too loud, sang to the top of my lungs, danced like tomorrow would never giv me the chance, laughed, smiled, cried, slept A LOT, hugged, kissed, and wished everyone a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

WHEW! No need to sum it up, you go right ahead! :)

New Years Resolution is to drink ONLY 4 and I haven't skipped a beat! WOO.