Thursday, February 26, 2009

let's see what life has to hold, down the road.

well, this has been brewing in my mind. Hopefully my mother won't kill me for it (:

i was reading throught the 1975 Viking annual last night when I began thinking more of my parents, rather than my life. It's so amazing to think (and this is where they may wanna shoot me) one point, they were my age too. I know it's hard for me to believe ONLY because I wasn't there to witness them at that age. They suffered the same issues that I face now. The wisdom is there, as to what I should do next, but I believe they hold back sometimes in hopes that maybe the mistake I make will be one that makes me stronger. one signature said something about being home "on time", hmm..i've never missed a curfew! these are people that spent their time with my parents, they laughed, they made memories, some of them loved each other, some of them hated the other. Some of them ended up marrying each other & some moved away, and haven't been seen since graduation - - it's so surreal for me; To believe that my parents rode up & down the same roads that we do, sometimes talking about the same things we do now, basically, they grew up the same way we did.
We don't give them enough credit for the things they do for us, to protect us. We should realize that they have been there before we ever thought about being there, we should listen as they advise us on what to do, but no - some of us are too stubborn.
I cannot imagine my parents when they "dated" (courted, whatever they called it). That (in my world) never exsisted. You know, I've heard stories of that time in their life, but I just can't wrap my mind around it.
Men were completely different then, compared to now. Most ALL men then held the door, opened the door, walked you to your door, called you (now..we text! - for the most part), sent flowers for no apparent reason other than to let you know they were thinking about you, etc, etc. Nowadays, yes, there are still men around like that (and I would say BE THANKFUL if you have one that does all those things for you, because they're hard to find) but back then, it was second nature. It was the way it was supposed to be. We've strayed so far away from mannerism's in today's world that it's sad.
Anyway, onward to my observation.. I can't see my daddy leaving the table during an UNO game with Mamma & PawPaw because he was about to win, and didn't want to make PawPaw mad before he asked for my mothers hand in marriage. & I can only hear about him and Mamma washing the car when he popped the question.
It's not that I don't want to see it, or even that I'm trying to block it from my memory. Believe me, i'd love to have been a fly on the wall in that situation. I'd love to go back & spend a day in that era. The clothes, the vehicles, the past times, the school, the people, everything about it seems so much fun - compared to now. I'm sure i'll look back in 20 years and say the same thing about this time period, though, too. I guess what this whole post is about would be that - - it's just hard to imagine life for my parents without children.

They are so good to us, and we take it for granted each & everyday.

"And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks

Monday, February 23, 2009

i'm tangled up in you.

So, lately my blogs have been about what is perfect or imperfect in my life. I should start off by letting you know that in somewhat of a way, I have strayed from leaving the simple things out of my blog. I shouldn't. Those are the things that matter. Right? I'm not feeling very philosophical, so i'll share with you, my new addition. (:

Saturday night my little small dream came true! My first (of hopefully many) betta fishes (yes, they are called fishES not fish') was purchased.

Shea & I went to walmart at almost 9:30 to get it, and I was as happy as a kid who'd just told Santa what they wanted for Christmas. Shea said, "She has smoke comin off of her shoes while she was walking to the fish." - ha!

So, we walked to them, and as I looked, Shea picked one up. It was beautiful. A red one, but when the light hit it just right, it would turn blue. It had long, flowing fins, but to me he looked old. I've gotten to where I can tell, sort of. I've done so much research on these fish, ask anyone. I am really excited about this, and I hope to breed them sometime.
Anyway, he picked the fish up, and i told him that was a great one! I told him to let me check the other shelf, just to make sure. So, i walked to the other side of the aisle, and I spotted him. A yellow betta male, with a black face. He was darting around his "bowl", ful of energy & life.
You're thinking i'm crazy, huh? I am seriously to the point of obsession. I spent all of last week Googling these fish, to make sure that when I got one, it would have the proper care.
Now, i have one of my own to give a happy life to. So far, he seems pleased.

Frankie Earl

I got Marlee out Saturday, while I cleaned my truck out & Daddy tempored some knife blades. She was just as happy as a kid in the candy shop! She was struttin around like she owned the place. She's doing SO well with her retrieving (Thanks to Daddy!) and she loves attention.
I thought about putting her "Life is Good" collar on, but we're gonna save that for her first REAL dove hunt, or something else special like that!
After she'd been out for about an hour, I decided to take her riding. That's one other thing she tends to enjoy a whole lot. So, we rode out through the country before the rain set in. Once we got back, she was glad to hear "Kennel up!" I think she'd had enough for the day!

Mallard Marlee Made

So, there you have it, fellow bloggers. My little family!

Be sure to check out (& comment) Mrs. Kristie Boykin's blog about her journey with Cody & his Army experience. It's an amazing blog that will reach out & grab your heart.
Click to view it. ->

Monday, February 16, 2009

it's an unshakeable, unchangeable, love.

the best way to put this will be the long way of putting it, and hopefully my eyes can hold out throughout this blog that has been aimlessly floating around in my head for the last few days, but it wasn't until today that it all fell into place.

We were driving by that spot today, that i've mentioned here serveral times before, and a sudden wave of sadness fell over me. - - the dirt pile. It was no longer a dirt pile, to be honest with you, it was in the midst of becoming a driveway. That put a damper on my day.
As i waited for him to get ready to leave to ride through that beautiful land, I sat in the truck, overlooking the place that held so many of our memories together. I watched that piece of equipment smooth out that once piled dirt, and I wanted so bad to rewind back to that time. Not many things replay in my mind over and over, but if i'm writing about it, it means alot to me, and if I think of it excessively, it also holds a place somewhere inside of me.

We did everything we had to do, and around sunset we were making our drive back home. We passed it, yet again, and he noticed my face falling.
"That just really makes me see it go."
"I know, but you can always remember it." That's all he said, and he said it so calmly.

I was freaking out over a dirt pile, that was only a paragraph in my book, being gone. I can only imagine what his thoughts were. I know the same memory is instilled into his brain, but I was making a big deal over basically nothing. Now, I am rambling, and you're wondering if i'll ever make my point.

It's just that.. It really doesn't matter, does it? If that place is different?
- It's still there. The location hasn't changed. It happened there, not anywhere else. So, it's unchangeable.
- It's always going to be in my mind the same way, fast-forward or reverse, it happened THE WAY IT HAPPENED, and that's unshakeable.

I know now that the kind love that I have in my heart is one that I never want to let go of. It's the kind of love I want to meet me at the door after a long day. The kind that brings a smile to my face when the rest of the world around me can only frown. The kind that I will miss, even if it's only outside of the house, at the truck or in the shop. The kind that will stand tall beside me, and be there to hold my hand when I'm weak & without words. The kind that will not leave me whenever I am upset, hurting, or just having a red-headed fit. The kind that laughs with me whenever no one else in the room understands -- except for him. The kind that has the ability to be anywhere in the world, for however long, but they'd rather be right next to me. The kind of love that never fails - through rain, or shine. The kind that sits on the front porch with you, in a silence that is never awkward, just watching the cars go by. The kind that is unselfish; when, for once, the relationship isn't just about what makes you happy, it's about the other persons feelings above your own. The kind that will not hardly allow a bad mood, because for some reason, everytime you're around them - you can't help but smile. The kind that you don't ever have to question. It's set in stone. The kind that makes you want to strive to do better, just for them. The kind that allows second chances. The kind that will be "the wooden rocking chair I want rocking right beside me". The kind that can always find the good out of a situation. The kind that dances in the kitchen to their favorite love song. The kind that still wants you in the middle seat, even when you've been beside each other all day. The kind that makes you feel content lying on the couch, curled up watching a movie. The kind that makes you feel flawless and beautiful. The kind that no one else understands. The kind that reveals to you everyday just how alike you really are, incase we are to forget. The kind you fall asleep dreaming about & wake up thinking about. The kind that causes your thinking to be off-track. The kind that almost scares you, because you know how quickly it can be taken away. I want it to be the kind that you can only rarely see in the eyes of the older ones among us, but when you do, it's without a doubt, needless to say, unconditional love.

"you had me distracted."
"thinking about that pretty face."

"promise me one thing?"
"what's that?"
"that you won't go anywhere.."
"i promise - - i swear."

I can listen to a love story all day, the ones that mean the most to me are the ones that end with "and that's how we got where we are today..." - to see those two people, and the vibe that is carried between them is almost as amazing as being able to actually feel that vibe for yourself.
You should be thankful for the person that you love, the person you've given your name to, or the person that's given their name to you. It's a beautiful thing, that love. It's rare, and if you find it, keep it. It's worth the fight.

"Happy Valentines Day, I love you. - Love, Shea"

Sunday, February 8, 2009

wild roses on the riverbank, it's almost like you're there.

"What I really want to say was how this animal has touched our souls and taught us some of the most important lessons in our lives."

I don't know how old i was, but I couldn't have been over 5.

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole."

Mamma & Daddy told me to get in the car, we were going to get a puppy. I was overjoyed. I couldn't WAIT to have a puppy at my house to play with! So, we headed down the street in the Cadialac. We got the puppy, and headed back home. I can vaguely remember this, but I have seen it in pictures, I would lay in the floor with that precious puppy, and she would sleep in the clothes basket. We'd take her outside, and bring her in. She was part of the family. She knew she was too. Smart as a whip, she was.

"If you want a friend for life, get a dog."

My daddy's told me before that a man usually has one really great dog that they own in their lifetime. He told me it was Sarge (a dog that was basically his child, too). This one, though, was a brilliant dog. She had a wonderful personality. She was laid back & she was sweet to everyone. She could fetch a dove, and she was good at it. I always enjoyed her being with us on those morning dove hunts, and she always loved going. She respected my daddy almost as much as I do (I would say, no kidding!) She was outstanding.

"Yes, it was only a dog, and dogs come and go in the course of human life, sometimes simply because they became an inconvenience. It was a dog, and yet every time I tried to talk about him to them, tears welled in my eyes."

Saturday afternoon, we had been in Columbus all morning, and we came home.
"Your daddy's here." -Mamma
"oh, okay." -me.
Not really unusual, I was thinking, but then again, he usually finds a project on Saturdays.
"It looks like someone's been driving in the yard." -Mamma
[then there was a pause, before she said..]
"Oh, Julianna, I wonder if Suzie died."
So, I walked down to her pen, and Ruger was there. Marlee was beside him in the next pen, but there was no sign of Suzie's life in that pen anymore. Only flattened hay, where her frail body would sleep at night.
I looked up at Mamma & shook my head.

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring -- it was peace."

"I'm so sorry about Suzie." -Mamma said to Daddy when we walked in.
"What'd Ruger do?" -she said.
"He wanted to go with me to take her to be buried." -Daddy.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship."

My daddy has also told me before that you make an impact on a dog. Everytime you talk to them, love them, play with them, it MEANS something to them. My belief (and yes, be glad to call me brainwashed) ..well, i believe they remember that. Why else would they be so excited as to see you? Why would their face light up the moment you speak to them? Call me crazy, but my dog knows who you are, and she knows her past with you (:

"Dogs are a man's best friend."

She will be missed, but aren't they all? It was her time, and she's better off.

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

you can't keep me low..

What TV character can you relate to the most?

Oh boy. There are several. Which ones should I use? --we'll say Merideth Grey & Peyton Sawyer.

Merideth. She worries. She fears for her future & settlin down, she wants the best for people, and her thoughts are in depth. She is strong willed & determined. She's a fighter, especially when it comes to what she believes. She is an emotional person, but she barely shows it, she's the kind of person who never cries, and when she does, it's so rare that it tends to make other people cry. Her views on life are close to mine in a lot of ways, believe it or not.

Peyton. Can't help who she's in love with, she can see through someones imperfections, and love a person for who they really are. She expresses herself through her art & expects a lot out of herself. She listens, especially to a friend when they're in need. Music keeps her sane & she hates dresses. She's dealt with a lot in life, and it's made her who she's become. She also cries, only rarely, just as Merideth, and it tends to make other people emotional. She bottles up a lot of her feelings, then aain, she speaks her mind.

I don't know who you'd say I'd relate to more, and those are just my opinion. (:

Monday, February 2, 2009

you should be able to express yourself, page after page.

What do you miss the most about your childhood?
-it's the cool breeze outside, the leaves falling. It's the dogs barking for me to come play with them. It's the trees I used to climb & the scratched up knees. It's the colors on the blacktop, resulting from the chalk I'd scribbled on it. It's the bb's rattling in my gun as I walked around trying to find a bird to shoot. It's the afternoons at my mimi's in her backyard as I let my imagination soar. It's the fishing trips with my paw paw & the blue jean shorts. It's the lemonade stands I'd set up in my front yard, just to make 50 cents. It's skating in the parking lot & imaginary friends. It's pickin my mamma flowers & sitting in daddy's lap. It's fishing all day and fish fries at night. It's jumping on the trampoline, and handball with Matt. It's swimming until my fingers & toes were wrinkled. It's sunburn from the beach. It's Candyland & Uno. It's afternoons at Me-maw's house, and taking drives with daddy in the country. It's B&O with mamma,hello kitty, and the post office on Saturday mornings. It's dressing up for halloween, and believing in the easter bunny. It's askin mamma for sour gummy worms at the grocery store. It's lambchop (my faithful "security blanket" for roughly 8 years). It's filling up a purse with things I don't need. It's Bible School & the Donut Man. It's AWANA, and hating dresses on Sunday mornings. It's ridin the 4-wheeler with paw-paw down Penn Station Road, so fast that it felt like flying. It's tea-partys with raggidy anne & andy. It's the 15 stuffed animals that I insisted on sleeping with me every night. It's my night light. It's thinking I'll never grow up. It's not havin to worry about anything at all, it's being little. It's all of it. It's when my biggest problem was was figuring out what color ponytail holder to wear.

I don't think people realize the effect they have on people, the things they remember, the things they say.. Consider that, because people (especially kids) watch & listen to you more than you think --so say something useful.