Monday, January 26, 2009

i guess i don't realize how much my post are read.

oh well to those who are offended by it.

what in the world?
as if life hasn't been complicated enough lately, and you're gonna throw that in my face? Just bc every waking moment isnt spent with you DOES NOT mean we need to be offensive. You can get happy in the same pants you got mad in, because quite frankly, if i see this as a mistake, i will correct it on my own time.

my week?
it's friggin monday. I have a feeling this week is going to feel like a week of mondays, yay. Not.
test, test, test. Yuck, yuck, yuck!
i hate wishing my life away, but i seriously anticipate the weekends.

pointless post, just one to say i wrote.
tomorrow will be a busy day,
this week officially sucks,
and i despise mondays. period.

Friday, January 23, 2009

it's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole..

"I'm leaving to go to the house now."

"You are so sweet, just take care of him for me, he needs you."

"I know you can be strong for him,God has put you in his life for a reason."

"He'll open up to you, just be there for him."

"Is your honey going with you?"
"No..she couldn't."
"Then your probably not going to see anything."

"I love me a redhead."

"Is this real, because I'm really hopin it's a bad dream."

"Somebody just please wake me up."

"He loved this song."

You never can believe that a life could be ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. Someone you've grown to love & adore, vanishes, without a chance to say goodbye. A good person, a Christian man. We all wonder why, but we all know that God has His reasons. He is in complete control of what happens here in this old world, and a man is far better off there, than here.

As we exited the truck, oh, the truck. Emotions that I havent felt since two years ao, overwhelmed me. It overwhelmed me to the point of my knees shakin, but I have to be strong. I need to be, for him.
We made our way behind the church, my hand in his, that's where it's belonged for the last few days, we stopped. The agony flew through me like a ton of bricks crashing on my heart. This is so surreal. We walked, we looked, and we cried. The cemetery is a bautiful place at that time of the day, surrounded by trees, it's almost hidden. The sun was turning into a deep orange, pushing light through the trees, and a gentle breeze was blowing. There was no cloud in the sky, it was a beautiful day.
Not being able to comprehend everything that's taken place in the last 72 hours has taken a toll on everyone. You keep believing that you're going to show up, and he'll be there, like he always had been. But, he won't. He'll never be at the door to greet us, at the kitchen table to talk, at the edge of their porch waving, in the shop working, or smiling on the carport again.
This isn't a dream, these things really happen, and..we have to learn to ride the tide; that doesn't mean that I won't miss that man as much as I would if I was kin to him myself.

Please continue to pray for Shea, and his family, your prayers mean more to him than you will ever know.

In loving memory of:
Sammy Clark
January 21, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

looks like we've made it, look how far we've come.

It all began long before i realized it. It was a nemisis of mine, that would never ever leave my mind. It would come up when i'd least expect it, and ruin my thoughts for an entire day. Why? I'll never know. I just want to tell you about it..a thing for me, some call it romance.

There's only two times in my life when this has happened to me, not something romanitc, just something that i believe was a moment to give me hope. To tell you about the first one, you'll have to understand that it's over & done with, and it made me who i am today.

Furious. That isn't even the word to begin to describe how i felt that July afternoon, i cannot remember which day exactly, but the vivid memories are burned into my head, probably forever. I didn't want to see you, talk to you, be around you, breathe in front of you, or act civil towards you for a few days, but somehow..that's always when i showed up at your house, invited. As the tears welled in my eyes while driving into your "driveway" i knew that it wasn't going to end the way i wanted it to. I braced myself for the absolute worst. You'd never put much thought into me, at least not as much as i put into you. I wouldn't even consider myself one of your pasttimes, you didn't think about me that much - - from what i gathered.

As i pulled up, i thought to myself, "no one's home. Good. That's good. Especially for the arguement on the horizon." The tension was already at surface, and i could tell it would simply break through the earth like the sun does every morning, with every beam of jealous energy bursting out in every direction, and i thought i had prepared myself enough.
Usually you'd walk outside and wait on me until i got there, then walk inside with me. I didn't ecxpect that today.
When i walked inside, i turned to my right, and there you were. No lights on, i wouldn't have been able to see your face, had the tv pictures not flickered across it. The reason for the darkness was fairly simple, a storm was in the near future, inside the house & outside as well.
I don't remember the entire conversation, or what your motives were when you decided to try and kiss me (knowing how angry i was) so, me pulling away shouldn't have been a huge surprise; it was.
"What is wrong with you...You had no right to do that to ME...I did nothing wrong...IT'S DIFFERENT, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE GIRL I WAS WITH...I did NOT deliberately walk in front of you with her...We're not even dating..."
The screaming continued like this until finally i stopped. I stopped, stood up, with tears in my eyes, and i glared at him, long and hard.
"what do you call these fights? if I did something wrong by bringing on of your friends into this, what does that mean, since we're not dating & all?"
"i...d-don't...i don't know.."
I couldn't take this. One solid year of this exact thing, over and over. Was this was i owed to myself? No.
I grabbed my keys and walked towards the door, the storm was in full force. Limbs crashing down to the ground like someone beating the side of a tin building with a 2x4, rain hitting the top of the house like hail on a sidewalk, and the wind was breath-taking. Just as i reached the door knob, & barely opens the door, he's there to slam the door, grabbing me by the shoulder and twisting me around against the door, as usual. This was usually something he did when he didn't want me to leave.

"Dont do this."
"Give me something better to do," i managed to say without looking at him.
His head fell slightly to meet my eyes, and looking into his big brown ones was almost like watching a slideshow. His eyes held memories of the first few nights we were together, the secrets we kept for each other, the laughs, the talks, everything was right there, and i was attempting to LEAVE it there, he just wouldn't let me.
"Actually, give me a reason why i should stay here."
"....i can't think of anything," he said after what seemed like twenty minutes, but it was probably only about ten seconds.
"That's what i thought." I walked out the door & slammed it, walking into the rain, tears falling from my face, and the wind beating against my eyes. I was shaking so hard, i couldn't manage to unlock my truck, and i eased around a little to look out the corner of my eye to see if he'd come after me.

That was a turning point in my life, realizing the romance is dead. It had been dead for a long time, i just hadn't realized it. It's like your dog dying & your mom saying "you can keep it!" There's no use; thing's change.

Driving one day during the rain with him got me to thinking, (the rain usually does that) and before i could stop myself i said something "Hey..could we..nevermind." That was NOT something to do in front of him, nothing made him more mad.
"tell me!!"
"i can't. It needs to be raining."
"it is!"
"no, harder."
Later down the road, the rain had picked up, and it was almost dusk. The rain was falling in heavy sheets now, like a blanket rippling in the wind.
"how much harder does it have to rain?"
"i still can't tell you," i said.
"this is ridiculous, why?!"
"we need to be outside."
(some of you girls MAY be picking up on where i'm headed.)
"outside? in the pouring rain?"
"yes. Do you know what it is?"
"I think so. I really do."
"Tell me," i demanded as i pulled my legs into the passenger seat and glared across the truck at him.
"Uhm, well, you...want you, in the rain?"
I sat. Shocked. Boys know that girls think that's romantic? He'd picked up on my hints? How did he know that i might have just wanted to get out and run around in the rain like an idiot, i mean, i am capable of being a little strange sometimes.
"Is that it?" he asked nervously, breaking my train of thought.
So, he pulls over to a place in the road with piles of dirt everywhere (im assuming they're using it for something dealing with catfish ponds? heck, i didn't care, but i did make a mental note of where we were) he told me to get out of the truck, so i obeyed.
While he was walking to the other side, i was standing on the right side of the truck, my hair blowing with the wind now, and the rain hitting my face so hard i could barely blind. It felt like ice cubes pouring down around my skin, as i waited anxiously for him to be by my side.

He grabbed my face with both of his hands, kindly pulling the stray hairs away, and kissed me. Then, he whispers to me, "i love you". As i held my arms around his neck, the rain still steadily falling, i mimicked the same words.

Monday, January 12, 2009

has he asked the president, i'm sure he has his number.

This weekend was good. Facebook pictures to prove. I'm not so sure I approve of the fighting.

I reeeeeally hate school, it disgust me to no end. Especially 5th & 6th period. The anger that comes over me by just being in your presence, good grief. UGH!

Ashia, I need a haircut. This week sometime if you can, just a trim, you know how that is for me. Just let me know when's a good time for you.

& so, the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

quiero de tu novio para siempre!

"make a wish"
"..what if i have everything i could ever wish for?"
"then wish that nothing changes."

"it would be prudent that we're not friends, and that you stay away from me, but i'm tired of avoiding you."

I don't question what i tell you, the words flow freely from my lips
& as soon as they fall out of my mouth,
the confidence i've placed in you sweeps in and takes my words
to the deepest part of you; hiding them so that only you
& i can't find them again.
I admire that about you, knowing that i can trust you.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to meAll the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go
I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go
I will be, all that you want
And gather myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay.
I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me.
And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go.
Cause without you I cant breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,You're all I need.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

"what scared me is, after all these years, he still isn't over her."

i want this to be long. i want the time to write it, because YOU need to know.

You need to know that for years you have broken her down and hurt her. You have abused your right to even look at her. You have come in, taken advantage, and run away. You're gone now, in a sense, so there's no way anyone (but yourself) can do anything to bring you back, but everyone sees it. Everyone knows the way it is, and has been for quite some time. You need to know that she cries, she worries, she fears, - - all for you. For YOU. & you don't give one care in the world for the time that is spent on you. You are unappreciative, naive, immature, selfish, and ignorant of the people around you. You're turning into it. It being - -the beast that no one wanted to see come out of you. This isn't the way it used to be, so why can't you come back? Are you too far gone? Have you fallen too far from the path? No, you haven't. You haven't and i know it because if you had, you wouldn't feel a thing when the subject comes up, but you do. You cry. You block out any image, thought, or action that might spring it to mind, and that's how i know that this isn't over. The question is, how far does it have to go? Some believe you're too far gone NOW. But..are you? People talk, people listen, people know, people don't know. I know. I've always known, but you don't think i know. You think i'm unaware of what IS going on, but really, i know more than you wish i did. You wouldn't listen if i tried talking to you, so i don't. This is your mistake to make, and i'm gonna be here to back up your fall, sure. I will not be here to correct your mistake, because with everyday you wake up & don't do anything about it, that's one more day added to the reason why this is your fault, and your fault alone. I love you, i do. I always will. I don't love your actions & selfish behavior. Make it stop, before it's too late.
It's okay to me, i've dealt with it for quite sometime, and i can get these things to go away & not bother me, sure, i wish things were better for us, but it's okay. It isn't me i'm worried about. It's them. The others. They shouldn't have to feel this way, they shouldn't have to be burdened, when you're not feeling a thing. You have a heart, somewhere in that chest of yours, and it's a big one, i know. I know because i've seen the actions of it before, unlike any other persons i've ever met. Your heart is as big as an elephants, but what you give your soul & love too, are (somewhat) the wrong things. It's a shame that love can be given away so easily to people who can hurt us so much, and time after time, we find ourselves back in their eyes, arms, and trap. You deserve better. You know it, too. There is better, you just haven't given yourself a chance to find it - - because you won't look.
What hasn't she done? I can't think of anything either. What has she asked for in return? I can't think of anything to answer that either, except for maybe a small portion of your time. Is that too much to ask? You are loved by many people, and it takes alot to lose someone's love, and i'm not going to sit here and type out that they're going to fall out of love with you, because i know better. They'll always love you, no matter what. You could do nothing in this world to change that. You could even ask them to stop loving you, and i don't think the command would affect them in any way, shape form, or fashion. Just straighten up, because you're jumping off the deep end - without a life jacket, and you can't swim.

twilight - - an addiction in the making.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

can i post twice in one day? i think you'll enjoy..

So, here's something i put together,
the quotes under the pictures relate
to the picture (or the movie they came
from) somehow. Enjoy!

no matter the fights, it always falls back together.
(even though we haven't fought)

a lion has fallen in love with a lamb.

he was romeo, i was a scarlett letter.

i'd dance with him to the static of an AM radio.

i trust him.

we belong together.

he's my prince charming.

i'll be his "baby".
he can kiss me in the rain.

i had to, because penguins are mates for life.

& then again, this is our love story...

my new favorite thing is to shoot stuff.

Christmas break.


It too bad that it's over, and now I'm sitting in class. Why is over? Why did those 2 weeks go by so fast, almost like it was a weekend? .. "All good things must end" that's what my Mamma said. & its the truth, it just sucks!

Hunting, no sucess. But I will tell a story. Let me start out by introducing the main character, Nemesis. For those of you who are unsure about what that means, check google for an exact definition, but.. Basically it's --something you cannot conquer. It consumes your thoughts. Nemesis is the name of the deer I've been huntin with Shea. I got a chance to shoot, Monday. It was about 375yds away, and Shea swears I hit it. We walked to where I shot him, and couldn't find a trace of blood or hair anywhere. We decided to let him lay (if I had hit him) and we decided to come back in the morning.
At 8, Shea calls to see if I'm awake, and he was at my house by 8:30, we headed out with Kellie (his dog) and Ruben (the other dog) and looked for it. Nothing.
We continued hunting the same deer, and Wednesday he walked out at the other end of the field. So, we decided to sneak to him. We walked about 350yds down the edge of a treeline, then crawled out to the edge of the green field. Shea could see him. I was behind Shea. I crawled out a little farther, and just as I eased my gun up to see him, he walked in the woods. No luck. We been hunting him all week. I guess that's why they call it hunting, and not killing.

Anyway, it was fun.

"What are you doing?"
"Pretendin to be a tree!"


Oh boy. When have I been this happy? Other than now? When I'm with you, everything is fine. That look, after you say "I love you" when I respond, and you give me THAT look like, "are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure. I wouldn't tell you if I didn't. Let me guess, you think it's too soon for I love you? Well, good thing I didn't ask for your opinion! Maybe it is, but when you know, you know. Words about you should just flow out of my mouth, they really should. I just don't know where to begin. I feel like me when we're together, like I don't have to be someone else.


I hate school.