Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I wanna be runnin' when the sand runs out.

This post won't be easy. It won't be easy because everyone who reads it will probably mis-interpret the entire thing, taking it out of proportion, and then ask me about it. Quite frankly, I write this for my own being. I write it to help me, and maybe through helping myself it will also help you.

My eyes are open wide
By the way I made it through the day.
I watch the world outside,
By the way
I'm leaving out today.
I just saw Haley's Comet,
she waved;
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life,
I hope they understandI'm not angry,
I'm just saying -
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance
Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today
Here is my chance,
This is my chance.
Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life,
I hope they understandI'm not angry,
I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

You know I would do anything for that person, because they have always been there for me. Even during the "dry spell" they've been there, whole-heartedly. I cannot give enough back to them, and they deserve the best. You, on the other hand, take full advantage of what you've got. You do not realize how proud you should be to have someone that special in your life to love you, care for you, want you, need you, etc. It tears me up to see the way they are treated on a daily basis. This person would literally go to the moon & back a million times for you, not think twice about it, and NOT ask for anything in return. You've just driven them so far away that they cannot carry on a simple conversation with you without being hurt by your words. Needless to say, you should be alone, but they still hold on. They hold on because they've always seen the good in you, they've always fought hard for that piece of you that's funny, loving, smart, and somewhat sensitive. That's love. Love is seeing past someone's imperfections, because there is beauty inside of you that no one but this person can see. It's getting foggy though, seeing your beauty, and I don't know how much longer you have until all those imperfections over rule the love they've found in you. I do not, by any means, believe this person is giving up, but if they were -- could you honestly blame them? I can't. It's been done before, and i believe you're in need of a reality check anyway...SOON.
You know what's going to hurt them, yet you still ignore the fact that it IS actually hurting someone (other than yourself). Which brings up anouther problem, your selfishness. What in the world is wrong with you? Have you no conseption of others feelings at all? Do you understand that your actions emotionally break down other people? Does that phase you at all? No. No, no, no. It doesn't, because as long as you're not hurting, pissed off, upset, worried, troubled, sad, or depressed - - NO ONE ELSE SHOULD BE EITHER. That's not the way this person is wired. By now, you know them. You know what they like, and what they don't like. You know what makes them smile, and what brings a tear to their eye. You know what makes them laugh out loud, and what causes them to giggle. You know, better than most people, what they want. Yet, for some reason - you do nothing about it. You don't ever try to do MORE. It's always just mediocre, and if something, someone, or somewhere else comes up on your "schedule" -- you CHOOSE it. Why? Who knows.
What i'm saying is, you should be ashamed. You've taken so much for granted. You're wasting this person's time, and they are a far better person than i'll ever be for putting up with you. That's what you call "tough love", except for you it's easy. It's easy for you because you ignore it. You ignore all the romance, the laughs, smiles, hugs, kisses, wants, needs, and .. all the simple things that make life so beautiful, YOU JUST SIMPLY IGNORE IT.
Sometimes i'd like NOTHING BETTER than to grab you by the shoulders and just shake you until i felt like there had been some sense shaken into somehow. Because this person is so close to my heart, and when they hurt, I hurt. You need to get your act together before it's too late. The sand is running out for you, and instead of running from all of this, you need to stop. You need to stop and realize what means the most to you. What's going to mean the most to you when everyone else walks out? When you wake up tomorrow morning, who's going to be the first one on your mind? What road are you going to choose? We know which way's the easiest, but is that your path - the easy way out?
What if they're an angel sent here from Heaven,
and they're making certain that you're doing your best
to take the time to help one another, Brother, are you
gonna past that test?
You can go on with your
trying to forget what you saw in their face.
Knowing deep down, you could've been their saving grace..
I'm just saying, your priorities are all out of line. Something's got to happen, fast.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

i'm not getting my hopes up, but happy endings happen all the time..

"Where do I start
Lying on a blanket underneath the stars
With your head on my chest
I always liked that best

I hate how times flies
I still think back sometimes
'Bout your lips on my neck
I always liked that best

That time we took a ride
Ended up down by the river side
Soft touch wet kiss
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well.

Falling to sleep
Wearing your shirt 'cause it smelled so sweet
Who could forget?
I always liked that best
Or losing my heart every time you played to me on your guitar
"Lady in Red"
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well well well

I could go on
So many things I miss now that you're gone
Your love oh yes
I always liked that best."

There's so many songs that I hear & say, "that's our song", some you know about, some you don't. Sometimes I just feel like our life story has a beat to it that so many different bands & singers sing their hearts out to on the radio.
The songs aren't always the greatest, they just find their way into my heart, then again, some are. I can't begin to name them all, because there simply are just too many. Maybe, I over think every song I hear & just make myself believe that they remind me of you. Maybe I just always happen to have you in mind whenever I hear a song, or maybe..just maybe, they actually do.
Whatever all this means, I'm okay with it really. It doesn't matter where it's been, the only thing that matters to me is where it's going. Even if it stays like this, it's okay. I like not knowing what's next. I like being in the place that we are right now, in the moment where everything just seems so "right".
You know, i don't quite know when it stopped & started. It has all been so painfully beautiful to me, and i don't particularly care where it stopped & started...just as long as it doesn't have to stop again.
What i do not believe i'll ever understand is peoples take on this. It is not a LIGHT subject. It is a deep, intense, one of a kind feeling. To me, it is hard to describe, it's one of those things you just "know" you have. You KNOW it consist with your parents, & your friends, whatever - for me, it's has formed without me knowing about it, & it has been there for so long, but it's been covered up. It's been covered by denial, and I've been running from it. I've been running so fast that whenever I turned around, looked up, & saw you there..I was in awe.
I've never been one to "hang on" to someone after "it's over", but i can't help it. You've got a hold on me that i cannot begin to put into words, (so if none of this makes sense to you, forgive me), but i don't get the fact that NO ONE else understands. I don't try to get them to understand, because it's a hopeless effort, and plus..i kind of like knowing that it's sort of "us against the world". What I mean is.. Not a lot of people really know what both of us know, they don't really know the depth to it all, and so therefore they really have no right to understand. Why try? I don't mind it, and from as far as I can tell, neither do you.
You're friend tells me, "don't mess with a good thing, i KNOW that what ya'll have is a good thing, so just let it be, enjoy it, and don't screw it up." Right? Right. I think so too, friend. Thank you. You know, sometimes i feel like all i CAN do is screw things up, like i'm walking on thin ice 24/7, but then again...i'm totally at ease with everything. It's perfection.

What is my form of perfection, you ask? I'll tell you.
it's the night air putting off a breeze that makes sitting outside a comfortable thing, it's the way the street lights hit those eyes of yours so that they shine, it's the noise of outside: the crickets, the leaves, the cars passing.
It's being right beside you on your front porch..
not talking..
whatever is happening while were there was complete perfection to me.
Of the million other places to be in the world, i wouldn't have jumped on a plane for Rome if it had landed on your roof. It's really the simple things that take place between us that become so instilled into my brain.
Perfection is watching you're favorite show with you through a text message, quoting almost every line of the entire episode, and laughing while doing it. Perfection is when nothing is wrong.
The things that you may not think twice about are the things i'll never be able to forget. You've been the cause of more than many unforgettable moments in my life, and i really wouldn't trade them for the world.
Perfection is seeing your fingers strum on a guitar, sitting beside you & enjoying the melody that you've taught yourself to play. It's the serenity of hearing the chords flow across the strings, and observing you while you take part in something that you truly enjoy.
Perfection, through my eyes, is simple. It doesn't take much for me to believe that something was "perfect", and that's okay, right?
So, that was perfection in a bottle for me. Juvenile? Maybe. I'm not worried about it though, because you know me well enough to know all the random thing's that i think are "perfect" whether it be watching the sunset at the refuge, or just riding one of those old dirt roads with you. We could be anywhere, really.

One thing that is not-so-perfect in my eyes is:
the sound that goodbyes make,
the feelings that goodbyes leave you with.
It's one thing for it to be a "temporary" goodbye, but it's another when you know with you're whole heart that it's permanent. I know that i've "permenantly" said goodbye before, but that's over now, and we're past that. The only permenant goodbye we have to worry about is one that you might make.
The reason I even brought up goodbye is because I just feel like everytime we say goodbye, that may be the last time it's said between the two of us (and I can already see the face you'd probably make if I said this to you) . I don't want to feel that way, it causes me to be left with some sort of "separation anxiety", ha, dramatic? Maybe. Seriously though, those are the things going through my head, and although it may not be healthy...it's fact, it's true, and unfortunately i cannot control it.

Mainly, i just want you to be happy. Seriously, that's all.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

"say bye." - "i don't want to." ...i never want to.

So, bloggers, i have not forgotten you.
Actually, i am just now gathering up enough information to write a blog.

Summer, so far, has been so boring! All i have really done is paint. I have had a few projects that i have a "deadline" for, and so most of my time has been consumed by making sure that deadline is met. I'll give you a sneak peak.

these two are for Mamma's kitchen. They were both done on a wing & a prayer, but thankfully they came together. The one under this typing is for my room. Foralways is a very special word to me. This one was actually the most fun, because (since it was for me) i didn't have to worry about "messing up" or "getting out of line", it just fell together, and i finished it in, no kidding, probably ten minutes.
Speaking of "Foralways" I got my first letter from Clint on Thursday, and for all of you who want to know, he's doing "just fine!" He says, "Make sure all my people get a 'Hello' from me."
I cannot tell you how great it made me feel to hear from him, I have felt like I've been talking to myself in the letters, but to know that his eyes saw my words, appreciated them enough to write me back and tell me that he has enjoyed everything i've said - - as we used to say, "it just makes my heart smile." (:

Life for me has been pretty good though, even if i haven't done anything VERY special. We leave for the beach a week from tomorrow, sadly without Meg, but it's okay, i guess! I've been snake hunting with Ray & Ken, watching the sunset at the Refuge, and listening to sad, sad, sad music (just because i can!)

My sunset experience was great. If you ever have a chance, I would DO IT. We went out to the Noxubee Refuge, sat at the Goose Overlook and saw the sun fade into the horizon. It was peaceful & exhilerating. I love sunsets.

Lastly, I hope this video touches your heart the way it has touched mine. I actually watched these awards when they were on TV, and never thought to post this video on my blog, but it is truly breath taking. I had to stop my tears before I dehydrated myself.

Also, one last thing before i go.

Matt's birthday was Wednesday, and I made his cake. IT WAS DELICIOUS (if i do say so myself).

Let me tell you what I did: (I wish I had pictures like bakerella, but unfortunately I don't)

Strawberries (i used 2 cartons, whatever they are)
slice the strawberries, and sugar them. Make sure they're drained well, and place them in the fridge.
Yellow Cake (Duncan Hines, i believe is what i used)
Bake that as directed.
Once the cake is cooled completely, and your strawberries are drained completely, you place the slices of strawberries on top of the cake. (You can do this right before you serve, or you can do it early, and let what's left of the juices sink into the cake. Either way it's okay)
top with Whip Cream. (I do this whenever i cut a slice & have it already on a plate, simply because -like the strawberry juice- it will sink into the cake, and make it mushy.)

It may sound crazy, but i'm serious, it's great! It's also easy!

I also baked Red Velvet cake balls, and while they were not beautiful, they also were pretty good! (I'd post that recipe, but I stole it from Bakerella.) The only thing that I did that she didn't was: at the end of the process, they were SO ugly, so I tried to think of a way to "pretty them up", and that led me to melting chocolate chips, placing the chocolate in a Ziploc bag, poking a hole in the corner, and streaking milk chocolate across the white chocolate balls of cake. Simple, easy, MESSY, and pretty dang good!

Ok, now that I feel like I've been on the Food Network, i'm wrapping this up!

"You're just so cute!"

"I love it when you grin at me."

"..will you smile for me, please?"