Thursday, February 18, 2010

sweet melodies rushing down a chimney top.

 I can't carry your love with me because you're a bad romance. You don't lean on me anyway, and according to you I should've already been moving on. It was almost easy until it didn't breakeven. Maybe I should go to Carolina or Boston, maybe even Alabama to escape this feeling and gaze at the amarillo sky. I'm so sick of trying to let it go whenever you're still around, but what can i say whenever you don't love me anymore & have chosen to try and start back at one.
 This love story has fallen apart and truthfully i've never met anyone as cold as you. During the time that your winter comes, when you're shattered and desperate from no air, when i'm broken, and you realize that enough is enough because I don't want to anymore, that is when it will hit you that love isn't alive. I hope you realize that you're never gonna feel like that again, and that i will never be alone no matter what (since i've always been trying to move mountains with you, and i'm going to be the one who ultimately benefits in the end.)
 You'll never own the right to call me a crazy ex-girlfriend because i always loved you for all the right reasons. All the crap i do has always gone unnoticed, and one would think that by now i would have learned my lesson  by now. There was one time when all seemed to be perfect. There was a day when we were history in the making.
 It would be you that i'd call for anything and everything, but now? Maybe one day i'll be ready to love again. For now, I'll love this pain. I guess until then i'll watch you while you're makin' plans for your future and letting go of the past. Don't think for one second that your little secrets are hidden though because i've got you figured out. There's no need to be terrified about that; i'm working on being long gone. I've let you bring me down for long enough, and yet I still give you the pleasure of being in the back of my mind
 What have i been fightin' for? Help me understand. Although you keep coming back, sometimes i lose my way, and time after time i fall for you. Let's set the fire to the third bar and call it more than a memory. Tell me the truth about it all, don't meet in the middle of my emotions just to satisfy me. Be honest, be sure, be blunt, because i'm so hardened to the situation that i've decided (maybe) without you here would result in the best of me. If you're far away, there's no way this paperweight love will last.
 Someday you'll realize that i've always loved you. You may hear it through radio waves, and your only hope will be to think that it will all get better in time. You may think, "I hate my life", but you'll get over it just like i have. You'll understand how it's felt for me to be lost. You'll respect my wish to get out of this, and the only thing you'll be able to tell me is, "You'll find better love."

Carryin Your Love with Me - George Strait
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Lean On Me - The Temptations
According to You - Orianthi
Moving On - Rascal Flatts
Almost Easy - Avenged Sevenfold
Breakeven - The Script
Carolina - Eric Church
Boston - Augustina
Alabama - Cross Canadian Ragweed
Amarillo Sky - Jason Aldean
So Sick - Neyo
Let it Go - Cavo
You're Still Around 30h!3
What Can I Say - Carrie Underwood
You Don't Love Me Anymore - Tim McGraw
Start Back at One - Mark Wills
Love Story - Taylor Swift
Fallin' Apart - Danielle Peck
Cold as You - Taylor Swift
Your Winter - Sister Hazel
Shattered - O.A.R
No Air - Jordin Sparks
Broken - Lindsey Haun
Enough is Enough - Eli Young Band
I Don't Want To - Ashley Monroe
Love is Alive - The Judd's
Realize - Colbie Cailet
Never Gonna' Feel Like That Again - Kenny Chesney
Never Gonna Be Alone - Nickelback
Movin' Mountains - Usher
The End - Jason Reeves
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Miranda Lambert
All the Right Reasons - Nickelback
All the Crap I Do - Mark Wills
Always Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Learn My Lesson - Chris Daughtry
Perfect - Sara Evans
History in the Making -  Darius Rucker
It Would Be You - Gary Allen
Ready to Love Again - Lady Antebellum
Love This Pain - Lady Antebellum
Makin' Plans - Miranda lambert
Letting Go - Brooke Hogan
Don't - Billy Currington
My Little Secret - Cavo
Figured You Out - Nickelback
Terrified - Katherine McPhee (ft. Jason Reeves)
Long Gone - Lady Antebellum
Bring Me Down - Miranda Lambert
Back of My Mind - Eli Young Band
Fightin For - Cross Canadian Ragweed
Help Me Understand - Trace Adkins
Keep Coming Back - Josh Gracin
Time After Time - Matchbox 20
Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade
Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
More than A Memory - Garth Brooks
The Truth - Jason Aldean
Meet in the Middle - Diamond Rio
I'm So Hard - Rihanna
Without You Here - Eric Church
Far Away - Nickelback
Best Of Me - Brantley Gilbert
Paperweight - Joshua Radin
Love Will - Darius Rucker
Someday - Rob Thomas
Radio Waves - Eli Young Band
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
Will Be - Leona Lewis
Better in Time - Leona Lewis
Hate My Life - Theory of a Deadman
Get Over It - Avril Lavigne
Lost - Faith Hill
Respect - Aretha Franklin
Get Out - JoJo
You'll Find Better Love - Tim McGraw

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

black dresses.

If you were to talk about it, it would be an endless conversation.
If you were to sing about it, it would be a beautiful melody.
If you were to call it beautiful, it would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
If you were to say it was confusing, it would be a world of that.
If you were to want it to end, it would seem to last forever.
If you were to ask me, well, this is what I would say....

 That first night i was allowed to see you in a different light, a light that shined into (what I sometimes believe will be) the future, was a night that I will hold in the depths of my memory. The street-lamps lining the road shone just bright enough to lead the way for me to your truck, and the air whisked through my hair as the nocturnal creatures came to life & sang their songs.
 You were so ordinary to everyone around us; you had always been the same person to them, but to me.. well, to me you were changing into someone new, and you were so oblivious to that. You were changing to me because you were tearing down walls that I had built in order to guard my heart, ones that I thought no one could ever crawl over or tear down. You did just that, and that's why you were changing. I never pictured you going to such an extent, especially since you were doing it in such a nonchalant way. It was almost like you had no idea.
 You didn't really do anything right or wrong; it just seemed perfect to me, other than the fact that you scared me. You intimidated me, and for the first time in my life, it was okay to feel that way. No one else had ever had that affect on me, and I will admit that I was unsure but willing to deal with it. You still scare me.
 Maybe it was in the moment that your hand fell into mine, weaving your five fingers into my five, our skin colors clashing together as you squeezed my hand tightly. Maybe it was the echoes of laughter that floated through the air on the way home. Maybe it was the sparkles in those amazing eyes of yours, or the way your hair sometimes managed to stray into your face. I don't quite know for sure, but there was something that triggered this unending adventure that I still find myself thinking about.
 That was a perfect night to count. I've documented so many of those in my mind, yet I itch to write them on paper. I say that to tell that it has not always been a perfect, beautiful, or flawless thing. . . You know me, and I would like to say that i know you. You know me well enough to know what drives me right to  the edge of my nerves. My best example of that would be to tell the story of nights ago, days uncountable, when I slammed your truck door, thinking you'd stick around. I turned to see your tail lights glowing at the end of my drive. I had no intentions of turning back. Once I was inside, it didn't take long for me to realize that I was already empty. I knew what I had done wasn't the right thing, no matter how angry you'd made me. I also knew that what you had done wasn't right either, but I put that aside, along with my stubborn pride and called you. You knew the entire time, whether you will ever admit to it or not, that I would give in.
 Needless to say, I was almost in tears as I waited for your return. I never wanted to fight with you. I've really always tried to keep the peace, and just when I don't believe I can do that any more, I remember times like these i've written about..the things that have gotten us here today. Sure, there have been many times when we have given up without too much of a fight, but whether we truly like it or not, something has always brought us back. Everytime.
 Your lights broke up the darkness of the night as your turned into the driveway. I sat and waited for you to park, only to anxiously get up and meet you at your door with a hug and endless "I'm sorry's".
I do believe that sometimes I owe you an apology, and I do say those words freely to ease the tension of a situation when in reality you should be the one initiating apologies.
 The truth of the matter is that I feel like sometimes you're simply not around anymore, and for some reason I expect you to be. I don't know if it's because of everything we have put each other through or this unending adventure we seem to be on. Maybe it's just because I have always had you around and I really don't know any different. It seems as if you're my security blanket, the one I depend upon to know me & define me when i'm having a hard time doing it myself, the one that has to be here in order for me to function properly and "be okay".
 I know that you shouldn't unwillingly have that responsibility, but my heart can't do anything about that.  My mind knows what should happen. I know what's right, and I know where I should move (forward), but that decision hasn't been made on my heart's end, and that is really what matters.

"people telling you to do it (and even saying you'll do it) isn't enough. 
You have to be able to believe with everything that you have 
that you are ready to move on, 
and that you are going to move on no matter what. 
That's the only way it'll happen"

Sunday, February 14, 2010

you'd think that i'd learn the cost of love has paid that price long enough.

It's been a good weekend.

I tried uploading a video, but it was an epic failure. Ashia, maybe you can help me in that department sometime soon?

That's all.

- baseball.
- more snow?
- chris young.
- roadtrips.
- lost on dirt roads.
- bracelets.

Friday, February 12, 2010

the sun set too quickly, or so it seemed.

a couple of months ago, daddy asked me if I'd want to take some pictures of the sunset; I love sunsets, so of course, I agreed.
I was hunting that afternoon, and I looked back towards the sun & realized that today would be the best day. I got out of the stand & rushed towards macon, chasing the sun down the highway.

I called daddy as I headed towards the place where he wanted me to take them, and he agreed to meet me there. 

it was my favorite cemetery! (can you have a favorite? Yes!) I guess it does sound a little morbid to have a favorite cemetery, but the reason I love it is because it's such a quiet, serene, and peaceful place. To me, there are some cemeteries with an "eerie" feeling, but this one is just peaceful. 

my best friend & I used to go out here whenever the sky was clear, sit on the roof of her car, and watch the stars. The closest street light is down the hill on the road, there's no one around, yet we're still close  to civilization!

The sun was almost to it's "setting" point, so I should've went earlier. 
Now, back to the future.....

I really didn't believe it would snow.

simply because the last time we were out for a "severe winter storm" the only thing that really happened was a major drop in the temperature and some ice. (hey, it was a day out of school!)

but, just incase it did snow, I wanted to take pictures before it all melted away; you know, to document it, since we're all crazy southerners who are sheltered when it comes to these things!

when i got up at 6am to see if I should prepare myself to endure the cold (and what I thought would be six inches of snow) there was no snow on the ground!!! 

so, I went back to sleep. I was a little disappointed. 

when I woke back up at 9:30, I wasn't even going to check because I didn't want to be let down. So, I checked Facebook & my Blackberry status', and everyone was talking about snow. Had I hallucinated earlier? I was a little groggy. 


I looked out the window and found (basically) a blizzard! I got up, put on some warm clothes and set out to take some pictures! 

I hope ya'll have had a great snow day!



- this (especially today!)
- yeast rolls (again, not on the diet!)
- experiencing other people's excitement.
- snow. 
- An Officer & A Gentleman (to be watched!)
- phone calls from unexpected people.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

dreaming of a white.....friday?

 -I really had no intentions of NOT having school tomorrow, but since we live in the south, the word "snow" is like "earthquake" around here. Seriously, people in the Alaska/Colorado regions would probably  laugh in our faces if they saw the way we just hibernate whenever it snows. It's funny, really.

- I don't mind being out of school at all. What I mind is that it always does this at the beginning of the weekend, and all the weekend plans get thrown up in the air because we have to depend on weather conditions. That's no fun at all.

- If, however, it does snow, I want to take some pictures (hence that first paragraph about us freaking out). I'm also looking forward to sleeping some!

- I just realized that I skipped our on Grey's Anatomy. What would I do without tivo?!

i promised i wouldn't, but i've become slightly intrigued with Picnik! It is so much fun to play with! You should check it out if you want to "cutesy" up a picture! I still have a lot to learn.

- no tests tomorrow.
- sleeping late.
- 4 day weekends.
- tanning.
- lower numbers.
- 99 on my latin test.
- car rides to catch up.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

five minutes away.

where to begin... I have had a pretty great day. I am trying to teach myself not to worry as much because I know that worrying gets me no where. I heard once "When I don't have anything to worry about, I worry about that" so true! I'm trying to realize that NO MATTER WHAT, everything is going to be okay. I know I need to chill out, but being the independent person that I am, I want to have a hand on things & know what's going on. Instead, I shouldn't try to rush everything and be so demanding. It's hard, but i'm working on it.

So, after school Daddy & I went to see:
and i wasn't expecting it to be epic, but let me tell you, it was! I LOVED it. It didn't seem to be 2 hours and 45 minutes long at all. I would definitely go see it again. Also, I enjoyed having Daddy's presence. We always have something to laugh & joke about.
after the movie we ate at Mi Hacienda, and the live band was playing. That was an experience in itself. 

also, i now own: 

 and even though i saw it in theaters, I cannot wait to watch it again! I saw it twice, actually. It ended the same way both times ;-)

..what good movies have you seen this past year? Those are just two of the good ones i've seen. I'll name a few more:

- It's Complicated
- Dear John
- New Moon (did you know this isn't on the top 50 of '09?..wonder why! Ha!)
- Up
- Sherlock Holmes
- Paranormal Activity
- The Blind Side
- I Love You, Man
- The Hangover

What can I say? I really do love movies. I saw "Brothers", but we won't talk about that. That's another post for another day. 

On our way home, I put my iPod on shuffle. The first thing that came on was this song. If you chose to watch it, you'll see why it means a lot to me. :-) 
 I discovered that song during this summer while lcplcbb was at basic. All of the emotions I felt during that time started to rush back. The way that I felt when I had mail, the ache I had to talk to him when something went wrong, the worry I felt hoping that he was okay, the moments I had when I couldn't have been more proud (still have those quite frequently) to be able to call him my friend, all the way 'til the morning I left for Parris Island. 

 I worked on countless blogs in the hotel room, but I backspaced most or saved them to drafts. the truth is, I was really in awe. I was in awe of the entire situation! I was so thrilled that I was able to be there to experience something so special. I was shocked that I was five minutes away from my very best friend, and I couldn't believe that it had already been three months! I was nervous that he would be mad I showed up since he hates surprises, but I thought surely he'd be okay with it.
 I remember all the benedryll I had to take in order to sleep. I believe I took it for at least two weeks! 
 Daddy & I ate at a restaurant on the bay the night we got there, and looking out over the bay you can see the Island. The weather was calm & peaceful, and I immediately thought of a Nicholas Sparks book. All of them are based in the Carolina's, and from reading about their setting -- it was exactly what I had imagined. 
 The sun was trying to push through the clouds that had just produced a summer storm. The breeze was light and cool. The waves hit against the rocks calmly like a child knocking on a door while crabs scurried around in the sand close to the waters edge. Laughs from people inside the restaurant echoed out to the pier, and the talk outside was kept to a minimum as if everyone were there listening to the boats as they clanked against the wooden marina. I stood there, taking it all in, but really focusing in on the Island that looked as if someone had taken a dark green marker and drawn a line to separate the sky from the water; it seemed so far away, yet it was right there. I thought about lcplcbb & what all he had probably been through in the last three months, and I couldn't help but compare the two atmospheres. Here I was, no more than five minutes away, and life was good. The people around me seemed to not have a single clue about what went on on that island, and although I was in a place with so much serenity, I wanted to be five minutes away visiting with my best friend. Through my eyes, the people there didn't take heed to the fact that boys were turning into men over there. They were transforming into people that God has chosen to protect our country in what could very well be life threatening situations. They are hand-picked. They are the few, the proud. I was almost offended that people weren't speaking thoughts about swimming across the bay to the Island - that's surely what was going through my mind. I just had to keep telling myself "tomorrow", but even as we ate & conversated, my thoughts drifted five minutes away.
 The next morning, I was up before the sun. We made our way to the Island, and the sun made it's way into the sky. We drove over a marsh, and soon enough I saw the sign to the base. No more than five minutes into the base there is a banner that states "We Make Marines". This was it; I was such a proud friend that day, and that's what I remember. That moment. Seeing that sign, knowing that I knew someone SO well, but I was fixing to get to know the "new" them. It was an exciting feeling. It has been a journey. 

- "i think you could pull that off"
- daddy day.
- new shirts.
- early valentines.
- future talk.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

writer's block?

- new purses.
- civil conversaton.
- feeling good about a test.
- chocolate pie (...bad for the diet)
- sarcasm.
- curly hair.
- "paperweight" - Joshua Radin Schuyler Fisk
- reuniting with the Twitter word; i feel refreshed.
- tanning bed.
- that text i anticipated.

Monday, February 8, 2010

a whole new world; a new fantastic point of view.

 There are really no words to describe the way that yesterdays post has made me feel. I almost feel like a totally made-over person. I feel as if I stood on top of the eiffel tower & spoke those words to the entire world. In the same sense, those words now hold me accountable to my actions that I plan to display in the future. Now, it may not seem as life-changing to you by reading it, but believe me..for those of you who have known the situation, it is pretty "life-changing". Hallelujah! I've seen the light!
 Can you tell that I am trying to be a better blogger? Okay, this could just be a phase, but I do want to make it a more habitual thing. I have even considering getting into the Not Me Monday and maybe whatever Kelly has going on over on her blog. It will give me a reason to blog about something meaningful interesting.
 In other news, I am doing a "Twitter Cleanse"! Isn't it terrible that it has come down to that? I mean, seriously, who drives themselves into a Twitter rehab? That is disgusting. I could be doing something so much more productive half the time, but instead i'm "tweeting" about what I SHOULD be doing! Horrible, I know. It really is tough though because most of my day-to-day, moment-by-moment thoughts are on Twitter (bless ya'lls hearts for following me; you've probably gotten to where you simply skim over my "tweets"). I don't know how long this "rehab" will last. I guess as long as it takes for me to get a  point across. ;-)
 Today was just an ordinary Monday. Monday's usually aren't horrible for me, but Tuesday? That's a different story. I highly dislike Tuesdays! Especially tomorrow, I have an economics test that I have to do good on!
 This is all for now, but I am working on a post that I hope ya'll will enjoy! Have a good week, and go see Dear John if you get an opportunity. (Read the book first, otherwise you will have no drive to do so after seeing the movie. I'm just saying.)

-best friend talks.
-a "loop" around town.
-the feeling of accomplishment.
-staying true to my own self.
-jergans lotion. (total bliss.)
-house shoes. (yes, hollie, I am an "old lady"! HUSH! :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

consider me a memory, consider me the past.

I've always gone against the grain.  
I've never believed a word of what people have said about him. 
I've always been free willed & independent. 
I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. 
I've never ask for anything in return, a thank you, nothing
All I want in an equal agreement that the two of us are on the 
same page. 

This is it. This is what it feels like. I don't know whether to go right or 
left, and I'm not even sure which direction is the right way while i'm
spinning in a state of absolute confusion. What does this mean? How could I 
have spent all this time getting to know someone just to have them make me feel 
like I'd has never met them in my entire life? I could turn back, back to 
those others who have never failed me, back to where my future was all planned 
out & a picket fence, but my mind would go back; it always has, right? Let's be real, 
my heart has been there to stay for awhile. It didn't it ask to pitch a tent in your back 
yard, fight the storms, be drenched in the rain, but it has. It has endured it all because 
that's always what i've been taught to do -- endure it all, and give my all. If not, what 
would I regret later down the road? 
 The point of the matter isn't exactly what I would get out of the situation, 
but rather why I'm even in the situation to begin with. How many times do 
I have to tell myself to go on, leave, get out of his life completely 
before it actually became reality? I've tried. To say that I haven't tried would be a lie 
because i honestly have. Every trace of someone else either led back up to you or was compared to you, and I know that wasn't fair for the other person. I just saw it as "right" because it was the only thing i'd ever known. Now, all I want to know is.... what's the situation.?  
 My situation is one of confusion. How can I move on when I find yourself right there beside 
me through everything? I have always done what I wanted to do, and there's no reason why you 
should be the one holding me down from that now, but you do. I can say that because it's the 
truth. I can also say that you don't deserve to hold me down from anything since I've never 
allowed anyone to do that. I've always tried to treat you the way that I want to be treated. 
I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. You know exactly how to take advantage of that
& it can't happen anymore.
 The thing is, getting over it would be in my best interest. I should have my 
best interest at stake, but getting over it would mean leaving it all in the 
past, and somedays I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that. Leaving it all behind would be as 
if I were taking every picture I had ever taken from the time I was born until now, piling it up in a cardboard box, driving to some lost dirt road and leaving them there. 
You see, I say that because those are memories. Childhood, pre-teen-hood, and teen-hood 
memories. To get rid of them would mean leaving them all behind for dirt, dust, rain, snow, 
hail and sleet to cover them. To leave them behind would mean only having those memories left in my head, and oftentimes I forget things. I don't want to forget you, and that is exactly my point. I know that I could never just forget you, but I don't even want to forget the little things. That is where i'm torn. I am torn, but in the other hand, I have had a moment of 
clarity where I realized that I don't really need you. How could I need you when you're never there anyway? How can I depend on someone who can't really even depend on them self? 
I say all of that to say this: i have washed my hands clean of the whole situation. I have had my moment of clarity about this (and you), and it isn't relevant in my life anymore. You 
aren't supposed to be there, and if you are, bless your heart because it's going to take a lot to make be believe that you deserve to be in it.
Now, onto a lighter note. At the end of each post from here on out, I will name (at least) 5 
things that I am happy, thankful, or excited about (that last post really did inspire me, AND i don't want everyone thinking i'm an emotionally distraught person. I am typically a happy 
person, my blog just catches all my negative energy.)
- i'm happy that i have a friend. a best friend. & a couple more friends.
- it's superbowl sunday, and for some reason i'm excited.
- i'm thankful that i have a home because it's FREEZING outside.
- i'm happy that summer will be here in 3 months.
- i'm happy that slow-pitch starts soon!

time's passing by so much faster & i'm starting to regret not spendin' all of it with you.

So, i got a haircut! As many of you know, my FAVORITE hairstylist is incognito at the time, but if she ever came back, i'd be at the top of her appointment list. UNTIL then ;-) I got it cut in a town close to ours, and the lady did a good job. It's going to take some getting used to, but i'm willing to work with that. 




So, I'll leave it to ya'll to tell me how you feel. Like I said, the bangs will take some getting used to. I feel like they've already grown out some since Wednesday, but maybe that's just me getting situated with them :)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

it's the simple things in life.

Over at Kelly's Korner, she posted a blog about "simple pleasures". It got me to thinking about the many things that I enjoy, but I don't always take the time to soak it in. This may be long, but i'm excited about this post. :)

painting for no reason, to simply relieve stress.

hunting on a not-too-cold-not-too-hot day

riding an old dirt road on a summer afternoon while the sun's setting, with the windows down.

listening to a guitar strum at night on a front porch.

the beginning of anything.

meaningful text messages/phone calls.

iPod "shuffle".

waking up on a Thursday that FEELS like a Monday.


sunday afternoons; for some reason, they're different than other afternoons.

fishing in the dead of summer, when the mosquitos and crickets swarm.

softball tan lines.

a thunderstorm when i'm going to sleep.

taking/having pictures everywhere.

seeing people who are TRULY in love.

watching Grey's Anatomy with my mamma.

having long chats with my mimi about life.

being out at/on the lake with friends.

I really could go on, and on, and on. I won't, for the sake that you might get bored, but I will post these lyrics.

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you'll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
I've felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I've been broken
I still run right back for more

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

There are three more months until i'm part of CA Alumni. If you ask me RIGHT NOW, i'd tell you that I canNOT wait. I am sick & tired of school, the frustration of it all has really had me down because I try and still don't understand half the time. We won't go any further into that, though.

I will say that summer has been on my mind. The nights that were so long that they turned into morning, the rush that I had when everything started out again. To this day I haven't regretted my decision, nor have I wanted to go back. There have been moments when I've asked myself "why" but I always answer that for myself and say "because i would have always wondered 'why' if I hadn't." That was just one of many reasons though. You know you've always held a place in my heart, a place that only you can fill. A place that no one else even comes near to, and no one understands that, but I don't ask them too.
As we drove down the road, I hesitated calling you. I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to hear your voice. I felt like a giddy child making a prank call (the kind where the person on the opposite ends answers & the child hangs up), but once you answered, my heart melted as my hands shook & it all fell into place. My heart started that racey, fluttery, jumpy stuff all over again, and time stood still. It was you and me, and interceeding phone line, and miles of memories racing down a forgotten highway as we talked about time we had missed. Who was I to deny it? You knew me better than I knew myself, and I've always kept that in mind. It wasn't fair for me to compare the two of you, but then again, you've got a few more years on you than he does.
As we talked, we plotted, and we planned. I wanted to see you to actually make sure this was all real. To hear, to see, to look at, to watch the words come out of your mouth instead of via text. I wanted to have a verbal committment from you to be sure that you were serious. I wanted it all to play out the way that it had in my head as I daydreamed about it. I wanted the whole thing all over again.
The night fell, but my hopes rose like a full moon over a lake, reflecting back over everything we've been through that has lead up to this point. You, me, life, distance, time, place, people, etc that has gotten in the way. Those are just the nouns of it all, I could list forever. So many things went wrong, so many things drafted in another direction, and the current was too strong, but I was ready to face the wind. You were too; I could tell when the street light hit your eyes that you had come with intentions.
Nothing elaborate happened that night. You didn't write a poem for me, or sing the next number one hit love song. You were just there beside me, laughing, joking, talking. There was nothing romantic about the setting, unless you consider a warm concrete ground, flies, the dogs barking angrily, cars passing through the one horse town, and a dim orange streetlight glow things of a "romantic nature".
Truth be told, it was us that made it romantic. It was the story that lies within our hearts. It was the way that we knew exactly what the other was thinking just by a glance.It was the strings that have been attached over all this time without fully letting go. It was the thrill of the hopes that laid in our future about the way that it would all work out because let's be honest, we had set our hopes high.