It all began long before i realized it. It was a nemisis of mine, that would never ever leave my mind. It would come up when i'd least expect it, and ruin my thoughts for an entire day. Why? I'll never know. I just want to tell you about it..a thing for me, some call it romance.
There's only two times in my life when this has happened to me, not something romanitc, just something that i believe was a moment to give me hope. To tell you about the first one, you'll have to understand that it's over & done with, and it made me who i am today.
Furious. That isn't even the word to begin to describe how i felt that July afternoon, i cannot remember which day exactly, but the vivid memories are burned into my head, probably forever. I didn't want to see you, talk to you, be around you, breathe in front of you, or act civil towards you for a few days, but somehow..that's always when i showed up at your house, invited. As the tears welled in my eyes while driving into your "driveway" i knew that it wasn't going to end the way i wanted it to. I braced myself for the absolute worst. You'd never put much thought into me, at least not as much as i put into you. I wouldn't even consider myself one of your pasttimes, you didn't think about me that much - - from what i gathered.
As i pulled up, i thought to myself, "no one's home. Good. That's good. Especially for the arguement on the horizon." The tension was already at surface, and i could tell it would simply break through the earth like the sun does every morning, with every beam of jealous energy bursting out in every direction, and i thought i had prepared myself enough.
Usually you'd walk outside and wait on me until i got there, then walk inside with me. I didn't ecxpect that today.
When i walked inside, i turned to my right, and there you were. No lights on, i wouldn't have been able to see your face, had the tv pictures not flickered across it. The reason for the darkness was fairly simple, a storm was in the near future, inside the house & outside as well.
I don't remember the entire conversation, or what your motives were when you decided to try and kiss me (knowing how angry i was) so, me pulling away shouldn't have been a huge surprise; it was.
"What is wrong with you...You had no right to do that to ME...I did nothing wrong...IT'S DIFFERENT, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE GIRL I WAS WITH...I did NOT deliberately walk in front of you with her...We're not even dating..."
The screaming continued like this until finally i stopped. I stopped, stood up, with tears in my eyes, and i glared at him, long and hard.
"what do you call these fights? if I did something wrong by bringing on of your friends into this, what does that mean, since we're not dating & all?"
"i...d-don't...i don't know.."
I couldn't take this. One solid year of this exact thing, over and over. Was this was i owed to myself? No.
I grabbed my keys and walked towards the door, the storm was in full force. Limbs crashing down to the ground like someone beating the side of a tin building with a 2x4, rain hitting the top of the house like hail on a sidewalk, and the wind was breath-taking. Just as i reached the door knob, & barely opens the door, he's there to slam the door, grabbing me by the shoulder and twisting me around against the door, as usual. This was usually something he did when he didn't want me to leave.
"Dont do this."
"Give me something better to do," i managed to say without looking at him.
His head fell slightly to meet my eyes, and looking into his big brown ones was almost like watching a slideshow. His eyes held memories of the first few nights we were together, the secrets we kept for each other, the laughs, the talks, everything was right there, and i was attempting to LEAVE it there, he just wouldn't let me.
"Actually, give me a reason why i should stay here."
"....i can't think of anything," he said after what seemed like twenty minutes, but it was probably only about ten seconds.
"That's what i thought." I walked out the door & slammed it, walking into the rain, tears falling from my face, and the wind beating against my eyes. I was shaking so hard, i couldn't manage to unlock my truck, and i eased around a little to look out the corner of my eye to see if he'd come after me.
Nothing.
That was a turning point in my life, realizing the romance is dead. It had been dead for a long time, i just hadn't realized it. It's like your dog dying & your mom saying "you can keep it!" There's no use; thing's change.
Driving one day during the rain with him got me to thinking, (the rain usually does that) and before i could stop myself i said something "Hey..could we..nevermind." That was NOT something to do in front of him, nothing made him more mad.
"tell me!!"
"i can't. It needs to be raining."
"it is!"
"no, harder."
Later down the road, the rain had picked up, and it was almost dusk. The rain was falling in heavy sheets now, like a blanket rippling in the wind.
"how much harder does it have to rain?"
"i still can't tell you," i said.
"this is ridiculous, why?!"
"we need to be outside."
(some of you girls MAY be picking up on where i'm headed.)
"outside? in the pouring rain?"
"yes. Do you know what it is?"
"I think so. I really do."
"Tell me," i demanded as i pulled my legs into the passenger seat and glared across the truck at him.
"Uhm, well, you...want me...to...kiss you, in the rain?"
I sat. Shocked. Boys know that girls think that's romantic? He'd picked up on my hints? How did he know that i might have just wanted to get out and run around in the rain like an idiot, i mean, i am capable of being a little strange sometimes.
"Is that it?" he asked nervously, breaking my train of thought.
"Yes."
So, he pulls over to a place in the road with piles of dirt everywhere (im assuming they're using it for something dealing with catfish ponds? heck, i didn't care, but i did make a mental note of where we were) he told me to get out of the truck, so i obeyed.
While he was walking to the other side, i was standing on the right side of the truck, my hair blowing with the wind now, and the rain hitting my face so hard i could barely blind. It felt like ice cubes pouring down around my skin, as i waited anxiously for him to be by my side.
He grabbed my face with both of his hands, kindly pulling the stray hairs away, and kissed me. Then, he whispers to me, "i love you". As i held my arms around his neck, the rain still steadily falling, i mimicked the same words.
