Friday, December 26, 2008

blackberry blog.

So, this is so the thing to do while hunting now. The countdown for blackberry is over!! I have one now. Proud owner of a Curve!!! (:
How was your Christmas? Mine was wonderful.. Spent with my family, friends, wonderful boyfriend, and his family! It doesn't get much better than this.
Tonight, shea & I went to see Marley and Me, and yes, I cried. I don't normally cry, but I did. Thinking of my Marlee, and how little she used to be, and how almost every detail about the dog in the movie reminded me of her, it jus hit me that she isn't always gonna be here, an I need to value my time with her more than I do.
Megan is here, for the night. Who knows what's up tomorrow. Goodbight, all.!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

it is what it is, and it'll be whatever it can be.

tomorrow, it's over.
It's over in more ways than one.
It's over, our first semester.
It's over, out last FIRST semester we'll have as a Junior at CA.
It's over, as in, two more exams til Christmas.
a bittersweet moment.

I can't wait to be with you.

This all seems so surreal to me, like when is it going to sink in? You make me laugh, smile, and content all the time. When i'm away from you, i want to be with you, and when i'm with you, i don't want to be without you. I enjoyed being single so much, but what i enjoy even more, is being with you. You have been so amazing in the last month, i can't even begin to tell you.
Although we're in this alone (so it seems), we're in this together, and that really matters. I cannot wait to sit and talk with you. I can't wait to look beside me and see you there, i simply can't wait for you to be a glance away from me, i've waited long enough.

Shea & Julianna
December 13, 2008.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

it's been awhile..

11 days until Christmas.

Speechlessness? Is that a word? - - it is now.
These are the BEST days. I cannot even begin to tell you!
(: (: (: (: (:
That's how i feel.

These afternoons spent ridin, nights spent with our friends singin & dancin in the truck, our little moments and our songs we sing to each other. When we're together, other peoples thoughts, voices, and figures fade away. It's almost as if we're the only people left in the world, and in that moment, it's okay.
"..if it was up to me, we'd watch the sun rise together."
beautiful words, i'd say.
So, maybe it was up to you, because that's exactly what we did, we watched the sun rise, and we watched it set together, today. There was no where else on this earth i would've rather been.
I'm falling, i can tell. I haven't fallen like this...ever, i don't believe. Truly fallen. Fallen and had hope of someone catching me. Last time, i was always worried about who had my back. Thank you for preventing those worries.
what? did you say that? both of you? in a 24 hour period?
"well, i'm glad to hear that he/she said that, it makes me feel like YOU feel better."
i have always stood beside you, when life wasn't what you signed on for it to be, whenever it didn't go your way, i was there to comfort & support you. I was there when you felt like no one else was, i tried not to bother you with my problems when you had problems of your own to solve, so i didn't. I stood there, all those minutes, hours, times, days, months, and i smiled. I smiled because you were smiling, because you were happy. Now, i'm happy, and it'd be nice if you could accept that. & be happy for me.


i hate this week, and it hasn't started.
5 days until it's over.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

all i'm saying is, what goes around comes around.

This is how it is, this is how it's supposed to be.
Now, this is how it's going to be for you.

All those times i waited for a reply, a call, a voice, an action, anything, and you weren't there. I hope that every single one of those memories haunts you. I want it to hurt you the way that it hurt me, just so i can feel like YOU have a heart. There were so many times when we almost made it to the point where we we're good, then it was like, you realized there wasn't anything to fight for, so we had to start all over.
You did me wrong. & i wouldn't let anyone else treat me that way, i don't know why you had that hold on me. It's gone now, i can get through a day without thinking about you. I can leave school & have something ELSE to look forward to, and that makes me smile the minute i wake up. I guess you could say that this is farewell, for good. & for those of you who know me, know what i'm talking about, and have seen me at my worst about it, you should be proud.
I'm standing my ground now, and i'm going to fight for something that no one else believes in, because i believe in it.

Today, has been a good day.
Shea, Bug, James, and me.
Shea, Me, Megan, Bug..
i can't wait for Christmas break.

15 days til CRACKberry. (:

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

it's just right for me..

Well, hollie lays beside me.
She got stuck here while we were doing our Algebra homework, and decided to stay.

Thanks be to God for keeping the ones i love safe tonight.
I'd hate for something to happen.

YOU made a dumb decision, by jus frolicking around like nothing was going on, but i'm glad your okay.

YOU are smart (: thank you for leaving & going somewhere else, that was a wise decision.

I'm ready for tomorrow, so i am about to get rid of today by sleeping.
Goodnight, all.

Monday, December 8, 2008

i was so caught up in holdin' what i never thought i'd find..

There's a place I've been lookin' for,
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it Couple times,
even settled down
And I'd hand around just
I know now the place that
I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd re-live all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here,
right here.
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take To get me in your arms that way
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
And if that's the road God made me take to be with you,
Then I'd re-live all the years, be thankful forthe tears i've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here.

i'm sleepy.
i took a zyrtec, mom won't let me take anything else.
i wanted this to be a long post, but i just can't.

is wednesday not here yet? It needs to be!

i wasn't too impressed witht the Christmas Parade, sorry.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

everyday, you save my life.

"peace doesn't mean living without conflict."

i'm so so so so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was truly great.

"Julianna, you made me so proud. I'm so glad i got to see that tonight, Pawpaw would've been so happy to've had you in the choir with him. I love you, you're special, don't ever doubt that."
-I hadn't even thought about it. It hadn't crossed my mind. Until then.
How happy it would've made me to have been able to sing with him, i never had the chance.
I know he & Meamaw were there in spirit.

i'm tired, have a headache, and sooo..i'm callin it a night!
Maybe my next post will be a little more enthusiastic.

favorite txt of the day:
1) "I missed you the moment you stepped outta my truck. When i look over at my passenger seat, i still see you sittin there with your beautiful smile."
2) "It's almost like a dream, but the best dream i've ever had." is so good.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

here's your one chance, don't let me down.

So, what's it feel like when the shoe's on the other foot?
Get over it, honey, life's a two way street.

my weekends = keep getting better!
I have God to thank for the people in my life.

This second chance is working out so far, thank you for respect that you've given me in understanding my take on things. It means alot to me knowing that it matters to you. I haven't been this happy in awhile, life is good.

You? Ha. Thanks for all your hard work & effort....NOT.
i still love you & all, but you seriously pinch my nerves sometimes.

"you know, it's funny how life works out, that we're just now clicking. You've been around my whole life, and we're jus now realizing what's there"

Four Christmas' is HIGHLY recommended, i loved it.
It was absolutely hilarious.!

See, my opinion about dirt roads changed. When i was with you, every one held your memory, your voice singing to a familiar country song, your eyes darting over at mine, your hands reaching out to intertwine with mine, your laugh surounding my truck, and your presence making me feel safe..but now, all of those thoughts aren't about you anymore. I can finally say you're not in my most recent memory. Now, someone else is. Someone who may have screwed up the first time, someone that no one understands the reason for me being with them, but maybe that's why God made us see the imperfections in people, because He knew that we wouldn't ALWAYS see it, but some of us would. Imperfection is beauty, becuase if we didn't know what imperfection was, we couldn't see perfect. I'm crossing my fingers that this works out, because i really am excited about it, and i know that it could be a good thing.

Cantata tomorrow! YAY!

19 days until CRACKberry! (:

Thursday, December 4, 2008

a friend is someone who remembers the song in your head, and sings it for you when your memory is lost.

"when i'm old, don't put me in elderly care."
"you can stay with me"
"can i pee in your bed?!"
"HECK no!!"
"...are you gonna change my diapers"
"WAIT. Ya'll don't already wear those??"
"Yeah, sometimes i do, only when i drink somethin before bed though"
"Ok, just making sure i wasn't the only one"

"Okay, Julianna..i have talked to you long enough to know when something is wrong, and we always text no matter how bad of a mood your in, so i'm not sure if you're still mad at your dad, or if you're mad at me, but if you are, i'm sorry. Please know that I LOVE YOU and i'm here for you if you want to talk."
"Nothing's wrong, i've just been distracted today & haven't had time (or felt like) texting. I'm sorry"
"i'm sorry, Julianna, but i can't belive you..."
"I'm not asking you to believe me, believe what you want." won't guilt trip me into saing anything, i'm sorry. I've always respected your opinion, but you should do the same for me. THAT is what gets on my nerves about you. When you make it safely somewhere, i say "I'm glad you made it back safely" & your response. "me too"..uh? thank you? - - oh i guess that's too easy. You see, telling you my feelings isn't that easy to do anymore, because i feel judged. Everything i say or do now, i feel like you're watching me, waiting for things to point out that you don't like. When i tell you about people i am with, you say "interesting crowd" it can only be interesting for so long, then it turns into normal, because that's who i've been with lately. Have you not noticed that i haven't asked ONE time this week WHEN you're coming back? Have you mentioned it, no! What does it take? I'm tired of making all the effort, now you know how i felt when you "convienently" forgot to text me back for those few weeks, and NOW karma is taking control. SORRY. I really think i could be working with a good thing, can't you just PRETEND to be happy for me? I pretended for AWHILE for you. & it isn't the first time i've done it.
I do not appreciate you calling me out for not talking to you, you could've talked to me. The send button works both ways, and so calm down about that. You have no right to say that you don't believe me, because i've given you EVER right to believe me, and to think that YOU BELIEVE that i'm LYING to you, is insulting. NEVER would i say that to you. That hurts me. I guess "i'll be alright" though, i always am. Thanks anyway.

"huntin me a good ole country girlfriend."
"i guess last week spoiled us."
Yes, love, it sure did. This weekend will be fun though. Against everyone else's will, i will do what i want and i will have a good time, because it's time for me to be happy. I've been there for you, i've been happy for you (regardless of whether or not i've wanted to) so can't you do the same for me? I mean, seriously, is it THAT much to ask from someone? If you can see that i am happy, can't you be happy for me? ..i don't ask for alot, but i'd really appreciate that.

I believe that today you should make it work,
because i believe that it takes two to make it
work, and if one person isn't trying, nothing will
be accomplished. Set your mind to it, you've got
a good thing, don't look through the past & wish
things were another way. Look at what you've
got now, there's a reason God has it this way.
Watch out, because what your heart is telling you
may be different from what your head is telling you,
you've gotta be really in tune with your heart
in order to know which is speaking.
Don't look back & wish it had been different,
because when you do, you'll only look back
again to wish it was what it had been.

Monday, December 1, 2008


It’s anticipating the afternoon. Going upstairs to change clothes and looking at yourself to make sure you haven’t forgotten anything. Putting my hat on as I walk out the door, and getting inside my truck.
Driving to the place that I’ve chosen to do what I love to do is peaceful. My daddy usually goes with me, and that makes it more interesting. This is something we’ve shared together since I was probably seven years old. It’s something that he taught me how to do, and my passion for it has only grown stronger since then.
Getting out of the truck and feeling the crisp air on my face, the sound of the wind rushing through the trees makes my adrenaline skyrocket. I slowly shut the door, making sure to be as quiet as possible. The sun is shining, but it is still cool outside.
Quiet. Quiet is the key when taking on this adventure. Without quiet you will never pick up on the noises that need to be heard, and are vitally important. Quiet is what makes the whole experience what it is. The peace of it all is what makes it unforgettable.
As I gather my stuff, it seems like a heavy load, but I am well aware that there’s a fifty percent chance all of this process could turn out for the better. Although, either way I’ll be glad to have experienced it, no matter what happens. My daddy walks as far as he can with me, before he splits and goes his separate way. This is when I’m on my own, this is when all the things he has taught me in the last 10 years is supposed to pay off. He is confident that I will do the right things, but he brushes over the main facts anyway.
I step up, place all my belongings down, and quietly enter. Unfolding the metel chair, I sit down. look to my left, right, and straight in front of me, I see green fields lined with tall pine trees. I can vaguely remember when those trees were small. I am being very cautious of my surroundings, not letting any sound go unnoticed. As I look upon these fields, I am replaying the procedure in my mind. Sometimes, a bored feeling falls across me and that’s usually when it happens. (Right when you’re not expecting it.)
You don’t know where, when, how, what time, or how long they’re going to be there – but that’s the excitement of it all. Once they’ve been spotted you’re heart pounds, but you have to remember, quiet.
It’s okay to look for a few minutes, but I have to keep in mind that I don’t know what may be out there to scare them, or even if they’re only passing through. That gives me an anxious feeling, causing me to sometimes act quickly.
I pull my weapon close to me, and look down the scope. My heart is still racing, and being able to watch them without them knowing that I’m there makes me feel so dominant, and in control. As I watch, I notice their subconscious movements they make, their instincts: the way their ears move when they hear the slightest noise or the way their tail flinches after they’ve scanned the area and realized they are safe.
Just as he turns broadside, I put my cross heirs on his front shoulder. I take a deep breath, and let all the thoughts on my mind slip away. Releasing only half of my breath, and keeping the cross heirs steady on his shoulder, I slowly squeeze the trigger. As my Browning .270 Automatic fires, I am shocked myself, but I cannot let that take over me. Keeping my eyes focused down the barrel of the gun, smoke is all see. When it clears away, my prize is there to break up the immense amount of green grass.
The sun is now setting, and the temperature has dropped tremendously. Now all I have to do is wait. Once the sun has set completely, I am aware that I don’t have much longer. My daddy’s flashlight shines against the tree line to my far left, it is the only light now. I am overwhelmed with excitement because I know he’ll be proud. As he gets closer, I unload my gun & gather the rest of my things. Even though it’s over, I find myself still trying to be as quiet as possible.
All in all, my day has been a success, and once we pull in the driveway, I simply say, “Thanks for going, Dad. I enjoyed the hunt.” By now, my mom knows what I’ve accomplished and she too, is proud.
Many things in life make me happy. I had a hard time deciding what to write, because most of the time it’s nothing major – it’s the simple things.

I found that on my computer. I had to write it for an English assignment last year. (:

Sunday, November 30, 2008

i think i'll start a band.

Ha, my title, funny huh.

This week:
*amazement. it has been so great. God has really blessed me by the people He's put in my path, no matter where i'm goin, where i've been, they're all still beside me.
This week has been nothing but dirt road riding & good times. Everything is falling into place, I am so excited. I think this could all be a good thing, but i can't help but hold back, still.
I think i get scared, i can't help that either, but the thought of maybe it working out is great, there's still that thought of the lies though, but this is your second chance.

Thanksgiving was good. It still feels like Pawpaw's supposed to be there in the flesh, but i know he's surrounding us in spirit. I loved to hear that man's laugh in another room. I miss him, alot.

Hunting? Killed a doe (:

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i need an edward cullen.

this weekend.....random.

tomorrow, better be good.

i'm so freaking thrilled it's not even funny!

things seem to be dwindling down as far as the "blast from the past" goes, but then again...they're not.

your mood swings annoy me to the point of no return. If you're going to act weird, i'm not sure this is going to work out. Seriously, you're getting on my nerves. If you want someone to know how YOU feel and what YOU think, then why don't YOU tell them!? My gosh, i'm sick of hearing about it, for sure. There's nothing i can do to change the way people react. Get over it, for crying out loud.


Friday, November 21, 2008

[no subject]

So, as some of you know, i take on LOTS of projects at once.
My new project though, i'm really excited about.

My daddy tells me i should do something with all my paintings, and i guess i'm going to. I'm only talking about it now, actually doing it will be the great thing.
I've been painting Christmas pictures (like most of the ones you might see on a cookie dish, or a welcome mat) that simply say "Merry Christmas".. with red & green (duh) and other colors.
I'm thinking about putting them in Robins just to see how well they sell, if i put 5 or 6 in around the store & they catch someone's eye, i'll try keeping it up, if 5 or 6 get sold from now until Christmas, i'll stop.
I guess i'll never know until i try, right?

So, i'm expecting to have alot of stuff done this time next week.
Dandy Doodlez here i come.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i keep coming back, time after time.

life is so confusing.
seriously, one big

I'm ready for this week to end.
i need a break.
i need to Christmas shop.
and i NEED to paint!!!!

and i'm pretty sure i like this "blast from the past" (:
it's kinda fun!
we'll see what happens next week!! (;

took benedryll.
need sleep.........................

Monday, November 17, 2008

& i could not ask for more..

These people are taken for granted every single day.
The people that care about me the most..the people
who've always believed in me, so here's your dedication,
i love you all. Even if your song & name aren't posted.

I'm five years old it's getting cold
i've got my big coat on i hear your laugh
and look up smiling at you
i run and run past the pumpkin patch
and the tractor rides
look now the sky is gold
i hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
i don't know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you're not scared of anything at all
don't know if snow white's house is near or far away
but i know i had the best day with you today

i'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
i come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
and we talk and window shop till i forgot all their names
i don't know who i'm gonna talk to now at school
but i know i'm laughing on the car ride home with you
don't know how long it's gonna take to feel ok
but i know i had the best day with you today

i have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother inside and out
he's better than i am i grew up in a pretty house
and i had space to run and i had the best days with you

there is a video i found from back when i was three
you set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
it's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

now i know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you were on my side even when i was wrong
and i love you for giving me your eyes staying back
and watching me shine and i didn't know if you knew
so i'm taking this chance to say that
i had the best day with you today
My daddy. The man of my life. My best friend,
this amazing in describing our relationship.
He always does whatever he can to make sure
i'm okay. He's the best friend i'll ever have. I love you!

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise, And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see: She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal, Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me, Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.
An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer. I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am, An' what will be. An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family, When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.
My mother. My comfort. The person that i come to
when everything is built up inside of me & i want to
explode. We talk, we listen, we laugh, we cry. She's
my girl. I love you!


You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay
And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me.
my best friend, Clint. Not a love song, just a song
for someone i'm really going to miss. For someone
who's always going to be my very best friend no matter
what. Foralways, i love you!

Big blue skies and an open field
My right hand on the steering wheel
Two young lovers runnin' wild
We bought string and a brand new kite
We couldn't wait to watch it fly
But it flew too high, it flew too high
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
So I took your hand and you took mine
And we waltzed together in time
But looking back I guess I didn't know
That I was in love and you were letting go
It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you
Seemed like the higher and higher we flew
You took off and I was made of stone
I was made of stone
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
& even though this' kind of a love song,
it reminds me of her, simply because the
song talks about learning things, and with
Meg, by best friend, i've grown up alot with
her, & we've learned alot together. I love you!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

there's gotta be somebody for me.

why is it that i'm left with an empty feeling.

You should know, but you don't, and i see that as my fault.
Why? I'll never know, but i blame myself.

Is it okay not to care this week? ...good, because i don't.

Please keep Drew Blackwells family in your
thoughts & prayers.
Mr Drew was a loving father of 3 children and
a husband to an amazing musician. Not only will
he be missed by them, but he'll be missed by the
entire community.

I remember a few months back, I had gone to see
Meg perform at his church. Of course, Mrs. Martha
was the pianist at this "show" and he was a little late
getting there, as was i. I was standing in the foyer of
the church, peeking through the crack of the door.
All of a sudden, i hear a voice behind me, "There's seats
on the balcony." It was Mr. Drew, i told him about how
i was running late, and i wasn't dressed properly for
the occasion, but i had to come see Meg, so he told me
to just go upstairs. He said i could go in, but i think he
knew that i was a little embarrassed of my attire.
He complimented our Honor Choir last year, and according
to Mrs. Martha, that's a big deal b/c she said he hardly
ever does that.

She needs your prayers, i can't imagine my life without
my daddy by my side. He gives me the best advice i could
ever ask for, i always know he's got my back, and i look
forward to the day that my arm is linked in his with the piano
playing that familiar song as i walk down the aisle in my white
dress. I can't imagine that moment without him.

In Memory of Drew Blackwell,
November 15, 2008.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

i need a heart with a 4 wheel drive.

so, i'm sitting here in your t-shirt, and i can't help but have memories of last year. It all hit me pretty hard today, and i don't know why. I think it's the weather.

"Late November, the winter sun was peeking through the cloudy sky. Another day in paradise for an ole hunter like me, not too cold, but chilly enough to make you wish you'd worn more layers; just as i think of more layers, the thought of that is replaced with the thought of you being there, beside me. I won't need layers, i'll be fine. You'll be in there, and i can lean up against you.
I pull into what you call a driveway, i'd call it the side of the road. Of course you're not ready yet, so i have to come inside to hurry you up. You were never ready, not even attempting to GET ready, most of the time.
We'd sit. We would sit and talk about anything & everything, or we'd watch tv, when we should've been leaving. You didn't mind being late, just as long as we weren't too late.
The wind is thick and cold. So, i link my arm in yours, and we walk. We walk a distance that seems like forever, but it's okay, because we're making memories the entire time. As the leaves crunch under our boots, we struggle to be as quiet as our surroundings. Finally, we reach the stand.
The story from there varies. What we see, what we talk about, everything. Afterwards, it was just like perfection. Supper, dirt roads, movies. In that order. You'd leave around 12 or 1. & i was having the time of my life."

I'm not sure if the thoughts of this are coming back because i've been bored today, or if i really am struggling. Somedays, i am. I had no idea that my feelings were this intent, but now that i've signed after "sincerely" on the whole deal, the "p.s." part of my letter is starting to unravel. I know, i know, i know - how i should feel, but that has nothing to do with the way i actually feel.


So, where am i now? I'm caught in the midst of confusion, and the only thing bailing me out is the truth.

"I'm really excited about...."
"Yeah, seems more compatible than...."

WHAT!?! NO! Oh, i wish you knew.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm sort of numb.
I feel like my world is crashing around me sometimes, lately.
& it seems like i'm screaming, but no one can hear me.

"You know, life is good."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, i'm just content & happy, to where this time
last year i was always stressed out & pissed off."
"You think it's because you've found your place?"
"I think so."
"That's neat..."
"Plus! Me & You are so so close now!"
"Yep. I've never really had someone like you in my life."
"I've DEFINITELY never had anyone like you."

that's my smile when i'm having a bad day,
that's my text when everyone else has failed,
that's my encouragement when hope is lost,
that's my enlightenment when no one's knowledge is fitting,
that's my laugh that so many people say they wanna hear,
that's my best friend.
& i just don't know how i will function.

End note:
I understand that the past is in the past
for a reason, but it's so hard not to bring up
the past, when you've experienced it & you
haven't experienced the future.

"Without You -Hinder" GREAT song.

41 days until i can retire my dinosaur phone. UGH.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

you just bought yourself a 20 dollar sparkeler. (:

i am watching Vacancy. LOVE IT.

i don't really feel like posting, but let's just say that i've got alot on my mind.
i'm not sure about some things.
i'm not happy about some things.
in fact, i'm pretty pissed.

where's the weekend when you need it?

43 days til blackberry.

fornow. foralways. forever. foreternity. unconditionally. agape. (:

i HATE it when people steal my words.


my new favorite names:

girls: -Leighton

boys: -Gentry

Monday, November 10, 2008

where do i start? lying on a blanket underneath the stars?

well, i've missed a few days. Sorry about that. Lets see... rehashing the last few days could be an issue.

I have been attempting to get my drivers license renewed for a couple of months (since Aug 27, to be exact) and it just hasn't worked out, so FINALLY i decided to go today. Before i left town, Clint came by (it had been a week since i'd seen him!) & We talked for awhile, then he headed home, and i wasn't too far behind him headed to Louisville. Hollie went with me, we renewed my license and stopped by wal mart. I came home & showered.
Got lost. at the refuge! We thought we knew where we were, that was the sad thing about it. So, we wandered around, i got my truck dirty (it had just been cleaned a few weeks ago) and..that was about it! We ate at Trailboss before our adventure, and of course, it was amazing.

I woke up at 12:09! (Yikes!!) ..i got up, and left for a little while, went to get some lunch at about 2, and surprised Meg at her house. I stayed until about 4:15, and then i went back home. While i was getting lunch, Clint called. He asked if i wanted to hang out tonight, and i said suuure.
Later, Clint came by & we rode around. We met Harrison in the road & stopped to talk. He asked if we wanted to check the game cameras with him, but Clint was about to leave for Stark with Hadaway, so i agreed to go. Clint dropped me off soon after, and i headed to pick up Harrison.
We had fun!!! Saw lots of deer, and had a good talk or two. I then went with Megan & Hollie riding. We stayed out til about 12, and i went home.

Church. I went to church at my church, and then church at FBC. After church, me & hollie ate lunch together at Parade, and then we had some family pictures made (woo-freakin-hoo) I'll try to post some up later. They'll be on a website, i think. Amy did a really good job.
Later, i went to dekalb for a visitation for Reid's grandfather (someone Clint also looked to as a grandfather). It was bittersweet. There was hardly any sadness in the room, the only hurt you could see was in people's eyes.
Mrs. Dudley, "He called me everyday from the nursing home, and everytime he'd call, he never hung up without saying 'i love you, i've always loved you, i don't love anyone else but you'. - -i knew that."
What a love, huh? He was 80? 83?.. I want a simple love like that, always giving & never asking back. When i'm in my final hour looking back, i hope i've had a simple love like that. (:

suuuuuuuuuck. I freaking hate mondays like a cat hates water. YUCK!!!! Although, i did go hunting today. Bow hunting, and it was my first time. I'll go again, because it's fun!
I didn't kill anything, but that's okay. It's the calmness out there that makes me strive for another day of hunting. You can't find that calmness on Jefferson Street, or in the school hallway. The beauty of the afternoon is so captivating, i don't think a shutter on a camera could capture it all.

I should probably study.
44 days until blaaaaaaaackberry! (:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

peace is not being in a place where everything is calm, it's about the feeling of calmess you have when everything around you is absolutely crazy.

favorite txt of the day:
"So just make sure i see your smilin face when i get there tomorrow. :-)"

- - that's saying alot too, because today has been. well. ___________(write in explicit adjective here.)

i have hated every second of today, and for reasons i feel that i cannot post.

Things are so weird right now. Why're you trying to come back? I...i don't know about that.

I should be studying, of course. But, meet the Queen of Procrastination. (:

Never get my hopes up if you're going to let me down,
never tell me that you love me, if two weeks later you'll say it's a lie,
never make me a promise, that you cannot keep.
& never, ever, say you care, & then tell me talk is cheap.

On the plus side....
i'm really excited about Christnas, and our cantata! It's beautiful, and we've got pretty much every talented singer in Noxubee singing, so it should be a VERY good performance, you should come. Dunno when it is yet, though.

& tomorrow's friday....
Nothing special about tomorrow though, people passing through town who might speak & might not. Yeah, we'll see where that puts you on the friends list if you don't. Hmph.

Okay, seriously, goodnight.

49 days until i can finally meet my new boyfriend, named Black Berry Phone. I hear he's a keeper!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

if i wanted change, i'd go to the bank.

..but you know what?

"what's done is done", like All That Remains (A Song for the Hopeless) says.

Last night wasn't a good night for blogging. My mind was elsewhere, which ends up resulting in a confusing blog, simply because i throw my scatterbrained thoughts out on my keyboard, and they end up jumbled into text on a blog - - not a good thing.

Clint says i have ADD, but i do have a lot to discuss, so we'll see how sidetracked i get. I should incorrperate yesterday, too. Since i so graciously didn't go into detail yesterday.! Ok? See what he means about the ADD? \:

School was HORRIBLE. Tests tests, tests, but constant prayer. I woke up yesterday morning a 12:00am, to pray. At school, we prayed before going to first period, and then it was pretty much a normal day. Except for the fact that i forgot about one of our tests, and completely bombed it. DON'T TELL MOTHER!.. Did good on Al2, though.
After school, nothing crazy great. Just hung around until about 5:45 and then went to eat Mexican with Ferris, Meg, and Andrew. We had a good time. I never run out of things to talk about with any of those people. Then, we decided to go on a little trail ride in the dark at Trails End, and me & meg sat on the back of the buggy (excuse me, bad boy) and reminisced. It was so much fun. We sang gospel songs, and we talked about summer.
There's so much about summer that i miss, i really do. I find myself thinking about it everyday. Not one thing in particular, but just the way things were. I had nothing at all to worry about. My "man" situation was at an all time high, and maybe he didn't treat me right, maybe i did deserve better, maybe he wasn't who i needed, but too many people didn't respect the fact that I NEEDED to figure that out myself. I knew what was right, don't you think? I'm not stupid. I have people figured out fairly quickly.
The thing holding me back was the security i felt when we were together, knowing that it was alright to be where i was, because i was okay. It was okay to feel the way that i felt, because at some point in everyone's lives, they feel the same way. It was alright to be out late with him, just riding, because that made ME feel content. It was okay to hunt with him on a sunday afternoon, because that was a memory to be made, but what my realization finally ended up being was there are more memories to be made, with more deserving people. People that will actually grab hold to those memories and cherish them. People that will have impacted my life forever. He did, of course, but that's a given.
There are other things too, however, that i miss about summer. Sneaking out (that was fun), barn nights, late swims, early mornings....wait, we never had those, backroads, and of course, 4th of July & the Fair.
I remember the night that he left, that day he'd given me a shirt, a shirt i still wear to sleep in, but he'd given it to me, and for 2 straight days, i wore it. The night he left, me, meg, and micah all went to the barn with LOTS of food, and watched depressing love movies, while eating cookie dough. We called it our pity party. & it was a huge success, until clint & hunter showed up! Ha, they thought it was funny though. Man...i miss it.
I miss it because i'll never EVER have a summer like that again. Clint will be gone, possibly in a whole different country, our only communication will be through: A) computer, B) phone call. That's not alot of options. I won't be able to recieve a phone call on a friday night, "Hey! What time do you want me to pick you up to go eat?" (at trailboss...with everyone) or a random "I LOVE YOU!!!" text message, or.. just riding, just talking, just listening, just any of that. But you know what? In the midst of everyone telling us that we can't make it, i don't believe it. I know we can. When i say unconditionally, i mean it. The definition of that word is: Not conditional limited, or conditioned; made without condition; absolute; unreserved; as, an unconditional surrender. So there you go, we can do it. May not be easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done.

Moving along...

I hate listening to Coach Ulmers voice.
I hate high-school drama.
I hate the fact that i haven't studied and i'm tired.
I hate it that right now, i'm complaining!

- - does high school ever end? No, the drama we have now matures a tiny bit into adulthood, and we live with it then. Maybe not as verbally, but don't lie - - you still think "oh my gosh, does she like me?, oh my gosh, i hate her hair. oh my gosh, what a hoe." yeah, i know.

& about this Obama thing, let me tell ya'll one thing.
Life may go on, yes. God is in control, yes. But YOU (as American Obama voters) made this decision, the decision of change. So, when he starts all this changing that he's talking of (which, who knows if that'll happen, the way folks LIE these days) YOU will suffer too. Just like the rest of us. If you want someone who won't stand up and salute OUR country's flag, YOU will suffer. If you want to support the innocent babies that never saw their first day of school, graduation day, first boyfriend, marriage, or babies of their own, YOU will suffer too. If you want to be behind a man who can't say "One Nation Under God" and mean it with his whole heart, YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES TOO. Because God is in control. This is no surprise to Him, & he knows your heart about it all. So, go ahead, fellow Americans, support someone who doesn't know a thing about our country, let him lead us into what COULD possibly be the next Great Depression, but don't say you're sorry. You meant to check his box at the polls. We've tried and tried to tell you THIS IS A MISTAKE.
& by the way, I will say whatever i'd like. Our President changed, not our Bill of Rights.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Thanks to Obama, i'm moving to Canada.

"Congratulations, Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States."
- - good job America, way to screw that one up.

i'm speechless.

"Will Barack Obama bring us peace?"
-let ME answer that...
NO! He'll cause an uproar.

"the minority vote matters."
- - if THAT was the case, McCain would be PRESIDENT.

i'm so pissed.

Monday, November 3, 2008

i just want to live while i'm alive..

picture your life in 10 years.. where are you?

Hi, I'm Julianna __________ , i am 27 years old, and i live in Starkville, Mississippi.
I just recently got out of Radiology school (5 years ago) at the W in Columbus, where i earned my degree in x-ray technology. I have settled down with my husband, ________ _________, of 5 years, and we have just had our second child, Joanna Evalyn ___________.
When i was 25 years old, after only 2 years of marriage, i gave birth to my first child, Matthew Gentry ___________. Although they're only 2 years apart, we can't wait to have one more!
I work at the hospital in Starkville, and i have for the past 5 1/2 years, i love it.
My brother, Matt (who is 31) & his wife ___________ have also settled down with they're child, in a beautiful house in the country. He's happier than i've ever seen him.

..i'll say, in my mind, this' how it began.

girl meets boy.
girl falls for boy.
boy trys to play cool.
boy falls too.

- -but wait, what if somewhere between "girl meets boy & girl falls for boy" there's a BIG gap? A big gap that consist of an amazing relationship? How would she know it was right? How would she know she was IN love, when she knew she loved him all along? Where will the change be evident?
Now, i'm not saying that's happened/happening/going to happen to me, but what if it does? How will i KNOW for sure that what's meant to be is what's meant to be? I worry about that, sometimes, about having a steady relationship with someone (a lifelong friendship, even) and then it turning into something else without me knowing it, or realizing it.
The beauty of life is change, i'm just scared i'm going to end up closing myself up so much, that i'll be numb to alot of change. I'm not going to be ignorant, i can see when something is changing (for better or worse) but i can also see myself not wanting to experience change, so therefore, i block it out, for some crazy reason. Good or bad, i don't know.
Hopefully that made sense to you, it made sense to me.

On a totally different subject, the election. (Yes, still worried - even though i shouldn't be.)


Sen. John McCain
John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29, 1936.
He is currently the senior United States Senator from Arizona and the Republican Presidential nominee for the Republican Party.
McCain was first elected to the House of Representatives in November, 1982, where he served as congressman until 1986 when he was elected to the U.S. Senate.
In 2004 McCain was overwhelmingly reelected with over 77% of the vote.
His reputation as a maverick with steadfast beliefs, from his time at the Naval Academy
to his presently held Senate seat, have made McCain one of this century’s greatest leaders
of governmental reform and with ending wasteful spending in Washington.


Gov. Sarah Palin
Sarah Louise Heath Palin was born on February 11, 1964. She is currently the Governor of Alaska and the Republican Vice Presidential running mate with John McCain.
As the first woman Governor of Alaska, she has made history once again as being the first
woman Republican Vice Presidential running mate! We congratulate Governor Palin on her impeccable record of public service and her recent selection as John McCain's Vice Presidential running mate.

(edited, )

"I'm asking you to believe, not just about my ability to bring about change in Washington, ... i'm asking you to believe in yours."


-lying (about his religious backround).
-FOR stem cell research.
-FOR abortion.
-FOR gay marriage.

--do any of those resemble Christ?
Isn't this Nation supposed to be based on Christian living? (ex: In God We Trust, One Nation Under God), i know a few things have changed, and i know the world is trying to get God out of everything they can, but at Central Academy, we still pray. We still say the Pledge of Allegiance, we still sing the National Anthem, and tomorrow, on November 4, 2008, at 8:00am, we will be praying for the election. & I, will be praying for the soul of Barack Obama, and for the Presidency of John McCain.

VOTE: *McCAIN/PALIN* 2008!!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

you've got your life, i've got mine, but you're all i care about.

so even though i just started this blogspot thing, i find myself thinking "what am i going to write about today?" I never know until i click "New Post" and there's a big blank box there, waiting to be filled. That's how i write, i see a blank sheet of paper, i draw, i see a blank notepad, i write. I can't help it.

A million thoughts right now fill my mind, but i don't know whether or not to write them all over the internet, i am a little skeptical about that, (one reason why i don't ever use anyone's name..if i'm talking about something heartfelt).

I guess i'll start by saying that i am nervous about the election. I don't really have a reason to be, because God is in control, but i still am for some reason. I should get over that.

Next, would have to be that i had a pretty good day today! Went to the movies with my best friend to see Saw 5, and i thoroughly enjoyed it. (: If those movies didn't have an excessive amount of cussing in them, they'd be greater than they are. I hate that about movies. Sentences would be so much shorter if you cut the cussing out, people in Hollywood don't think that way, though.

I really hate high-school drama, but having said that, i'm gonna tell you about some.
For someone whom i hardly ever talk to, never text, and much less get into her personal business, she's going to text my ex-boyfriend and say, "I know what happened between you & julianna that night." Oh? Do you? Because i'd like to be enlightened, i don't even think I KNOW what happened that night, because from as far back as i can remember, NOTHING ever happened. So, what's so hard about staying in your own business? I don't know, i guess mine's more fun to rummage around in. Ugh, must suck for you. that's out of the way.. (:

64 days until blackberry. SWEET.

i should probably erase everything i've written so far, because it's all random & useless information, but just because i'm random, i'm gonna leave it! (:

You know, as bad as i want to walk up to you sometimes and slap you for being so immature, mean, hateful, selfish, and rude...i appreciate you. Not for those reasons, but because you taught me alot about myself. You've taught me what to look out for in a relationship, and what to look for. That's always a good thing, but sometimes you have to make the mistake in order to realize it was a mistake to correct it. (: So, thank YOU for being my corrected mistake.

My mom tells me that she made me & meg "ghosts".
so, i'm slightly confused, but we went to see what they
were... little did we know, they're our new favorite.
Nutter Butters covered in white chocolate, nothing short
of amazing. Seriously.

Ok. Done. Maybe tomorrow there will be a more productive post. (:

Saturday, November 1, 2008

do we dare to cross that line between your heart & mine, would i lose a friend or find love that would never end..

favorite txt of the day: " "...i thought about you :-) I love YOU!!!!"
i'll miss those, i really will.

Today was a do-nothing day, and i enjoyed it, until i looked at my clock and it read 6:34 and i realized i had seriously DONE NOTHING all day.
I'm one step closer to seeing Saw 5. & i'm excited about that.

One thing i find myself doing on do-nothing days is thinking, alot. I have had alot on my mind. Things i can figure out myself, and things i'm scared only God knows the answers to. I really hate this situation, it's one i've never had to deal with before, and i'm torn apart. Not only do i NOT know what to do, sometimes i don't even know what to say.

To have someone walk into my life so unexpected,
to be the best friend i could've ever asked for,
to be there for me when no one else is,
to cheer me up when i don't even want to giggle,
to talk to me when i'm in the foulest of moods,
to hug me until all my tears have dried away,
to kiss my forehead when saying goodbye,
to hold my hand when they know something's on my mind,
to listen when the world is screaming at us,
to talk when i've run out of words,
to be there when it seems everyone else has fallen short,
& then have them leave just as unexpected as they came in, sucks.
I didn't ask for the friendship, i didn't ask for the bond, i didn't ask for the memories, and i didn't ask for the love that's filled my heart for them in one simple year. But i got it, all of it. And i'm a better person, i believe, because of it.

When i say it sucks, it doesn't literally. This is life, this is now, and this is the way it's going to be, and i'm willing to accept that, it's just that i know i'll feel as if the relationship is too far gone after awhile of being apart, and ...i wasn't looking to have my heart broken over a friendship i thought would be around forever.

Now you're thinking that i always see the negatives, but if you know me well enough, you'll know that i'm preparing for the worst. Because if i do that, things can only turn out for the better. Right? Right.

& even after crying myself to sleep,
calling your name back to my house when you've left once already,
spending 3 straight hours with your hand in mine, talking of everything,
it still isn't over.
it's only begun.

I know God has a plan. I'm so excited to see how it turns out, because i want nothing more than for a smile to be on their face, a laugh to be in their heart, and a joy to be in their presence when they know they've done all they can, and they've gone the extra mile.

Friday, October 31, 2008

is this thing on?'s weird that i'm posting here. Xanga is dead, so maybe i can get my point across. I know Ashia will be proud, and she'll probably be the one that reminds me to post. I used Xanga for a long time. 3 or 4 years of steady post, and i dropped it, because i was touched by the Facebook plague.

Well, to start this thing off, for those of you that're unaware of who i am, and what i'm about:
I'm Julianna, and i wouldn't say i'm your average ordinary 17 year old. I'm different in a lot of ways. My style? It's my own. Sometimes it's following the crows, but mostly it's what makes ME happy. You can't be confident if your not happy, right? I have to remind my mother of that sometimes, but i don't use those direct words. My family? Daddy's girl, 100%. He's the man of my dreams. If you don't have OVER 50% of things in common with my daddy, it's just simply not going to work. My mom? A best friend, because we fight just like friends do, but we'd both do anything for each other. My brother? Well, me and Matt - - lets just say that relationship is a story in itself, so i'll get back to you.

i just erased a section on my outlooks on life. i'll save it for another day.

It's 12:48 as i type this, and i'm exhausted. Gotta wake up beiefly at 3am, but then it's back to sleep until i can't sleep any longer.

i wanna blacberry. 66 days.