let's go back to the moment i stepped foot in your truck. my heart's emotions flew through my throat, causing me to be unable to think of words to say. I thought to myself about how traumatized my nails would be after this night, due to me biting them to the bed. I wondered what was in store, but I tried not to get ahead of the game. You and I could already write a story. The words you speak to me are said so beautifully that no one, even if they tried, could shape them into anything less than what they actually were. I found myself in a place that I've never been before, and it was actually somewhere I always wanted to be. I heard myself spilling to you about times past, broken relationships, mended heartaches, and bad pasts. You never once stopped me to interrogate me; you just drove and listened intently. Your quick moments of silence when you would slow the truck to a stop, look over at me, and finally say "wow", were always sudden and unexpected. The reason behind them all? Unbelief. Believe it or not, it was unbelievable to me to that someone had hopped on my train of life when I least expected it and was a simply wonderful person.
Once you were sure that I was finished talking, I would curl my legs in the seat and begin listening to you. As the streetlights vaguely made your eyes shine, I wondered how this had all really happened, and how it was happening to me; the moment, the beauty, the serenity, everything seemed too surreal to be true. You opened up to me like no one else has before. You talked to me of the way you had been treated and the way you desired to be treated. You told me your likes, your dislikes, your passions, your hates. You wanted nothing more than to be right where you was with me, and I scaredly agreed to wanting the same thing. Although we had been in that situation a MILLION times, it was all so new to me to see this side of you.
As we drove down that road that winded until it was as almost too narrow to drive on, the trees curled over us, and the moon shone brighter than I can remember of any other night this time of year. After taking a left at the almost forgotten stop sign, we were led to an old bridge. You made your way down towards the bottom of it, and the rolled the windows down. We sat there with the breeze gently making it's way throughout the truck, and the music softly playing in the backround. There was silence, but not an awkward silence at all; it was a silence that spoke. In that moment it all fell together, and I wasn't sure about much at all, other than things were changing.
The nights to follow could simply add up to the others we've had together. We never ran out of words to say, and even if we happened to, the quiet was never too loud. If we weren't having a deep intellectual talk about life and it's simplicity, we had the best time by singing with your radio turned up as if no one else was around; the moment, the world, the night... it was all ours.
We've for hours on end and I always wanted one more minute after we say our goodbyes. We could have stayed up until sunrise texting of things that amounted to nothing, and it would have been exactly what I wanted to do, and I wouldn't have blamed a minute of sleep deprivation on you. You were such an animated person, one who made ordinary unordinary in the best way possible by turning a nonchalant conversation into something that would put a smile on my face.
You've taught me a lot about myself that I will always carry around in my pocket. You've helped me understand. You've lit a path for me that I had never seen, and you didn't even realize you were doing it. You unconsciously cared about me without even trying; it was totally effortless. You saw things in me that I was blinded by for so long, but now I can see it all clearly. I respect you for that.
As i sit here, holding back the tears that want so badly to freely flow down my face, I look back over these past couple of weeks. I'm taking in the beauty of it all, and i'm counting it all as an experience of a lifetime, one that I never, in all my years of living, want to forget.
To me, it's been a beautiful tragedy. It's been a fabulous disaster. It's been painfully romantic. I wouldn't trade one single second of being with you, talking to you, or thinking about you for anything else in the world. You really have made an impact on my life that I will cherish.
I don't understand life and the way it goes sometimes. I don't often understand people, but I do know that they make mistakes, and the only way to fix those mistakes is to retrace your steps back to the very beginning of where everything went wrong, and try your very hardest to make it right. That (in my opinion) is all one can do, is try. You don't have to forget; I know that's asking a lot, but forgiveness, at this point, would be appreciated.
The magic of all those memories we made in such a short amount of time will stay with me. There have been no other like it for me, and although you've seen a few more moons than I, I'm pretty sure you could agree that there was a little bit of perfection in those last days.
But all of that is gone now. I don't want your forgiveness. I don't want your blessing or your pity. I want you to be completely erased because I can't stand the thought of you haunting around my life anymore. There have been so many opportunities for me to just be real with you and tell you that NOT ONLY do I not are to be around you, I don't care to talk to you, see you, or hear your sarcastic personality. You've had your chance to have a true and sincere relationship with me, and you've blown it every.single.time. It hurts for me to say that I have to move on, but I do. I can't go on believing that all of this is okay with me.
It isn't. I can't see you as the fairy tale I once thought this could be because the harsh reality of the entire situation is that you're nothing like i've let my mind believe you were. You will never change, and you're okay with the person you are. Bless your heart. Bless the heart of the one who ends up allowing themselves to be okay with your sour, selfish attitude. I don't envy them, I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for them because I know how they feel, trying to make you be someone you're really not, trying to put you so high on a pedestal that you're in the stars... it isn't healthy. I just wish change for you. I wish you could see you the way I saw you so that you could turn yourself around for the better. This has gone on too long, and goodbye isn't too far away.
Presently, i don't know when it was when i realized that all of this had changed for me. I don't know if it has even really set in, but I feel that way in my heart. There are so many things that I used to love about you, and now I can't see past all the wrong. It's as if there are huge boulders blocking the "good" in you, and for some reason I don't have the strength, desire, or "want to" anymore to try and move those boulders. It would take too much energy; energy that I spent trying to get you to understand the way that I felt about you all this time, but it never seems like enough.
you see, a little bit of my heart breaks to think about this because not only is my mind making my heart move on, but this time it seems to be an utter feeling in my soul - a feeling of change and clarity, and I think I like it.
You've always been so confusing to me because one minute I believe that you do no wrong at all, and the next minute I can't see one RIGHT thing that you've ever done. The truth is that you've disappointed me. You've held me here to believe one thing, while in turn your back has been turned and you've been living the life you really wanted to live. without me. without regret. without anything to hold onto, other than a memory. Yet, on the other side of the spectrum, you (in your own way) hold me up to doing absolutely nothing because it's just not okay with you for me to do what I want to. I've always let you control that, even if I never said it out loud to you.
