For an entire year, I have been caught in a haze of stillness where life happened all around me, and I just followed behind it. I moved where it moved, I saw what it let me see, and I became okay with the things taking place around me.
With all the talk of graduation happening this week for so many people, including my small town high school where my feet walked the same row in the same building this time last year - I have been reflecting back on so many memories I had during my time there. It only feels right to write this now, a year later, because my thoughts are finally coming together. Disregard anything you've read about "growing up" from me up until this point. It is void. This, my faithful blog readers, is the honest truth.
Just in the past week, I have taking a walk - a run - a stroll - a drive - down memory lane. People that made up so much of my high school career have fallen back into my heart the same way that they were for four consecutive years. They have reminded me of the feelings I felt during phases in my life, feelings I hold onto even now. The same people have been there for me through thick and thin, and they have never left my side. The girls that I call my best friends are still true to me by holding my hand through every rough patch I come to, and the others - well, they know their place.
You see, I haven't thought throughout my first year of college that this is a stage in growing up. I have let myself believe that it's just another year of memories that I will wrap up and call off later. The truth is, this is a new season in my life. This is where LIFE truly begins. But the beautiful thing is that I've caught myself letting life happen instead of living it. I've just recently been slapped in the face by reality as it screams, "you are growing up. your friends are growing up. things are changing, and they won't always be here."
How true is that? My womb-to-tomb friends are moving on with their lives, and I am too - but recently it's seemed like I have been watching them move forward while I ask myself, "What will I do without them?" Let me state clearly to you that I have no regrets. I have lived and loved more than you would possibly understand. That is NOT what I'm saying. And granted, I know I am moving forward in my education, and I am by no means doubting my future because I know Who holds the plan in that, but it has become so real to me that after this year the things that have really always been a constant will no longer be.
I have started dwelling on this because I have learned over the course of the last few days that this is my last summer with them, and I wish I had taken more advantage of last summer because even then things weren't so different. You were still here, and life seemed right most of the time. Changing isn't a huge issue with me when dealing with paint colors, moving furniture, and transitioning to different atmospheres, but when you throw change into my relationships - we have a totally different case on our hands.
As I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes, I want you to know that this is a change that will take more than a "pep talk with myself" to get over because in some sense of the situation - this change is permanent. This all has to happen in order for our lives to begin, and I could NOT be happier for the people I love and the accomplishments they've already achieved. I would NEVER try to hold them back from doing their best, seeking their passion, and I will be the first to stand up and cheer them on as I watch it unfold - but only having the memories of our time together to reflect on seems so overwhelming and difficult at this very moment. My last 5 years of life have been basically the same. Sure, I've had some who have entered for a season, but for the most part I have kept you all in my own way.
I feel like everyone goes through this "crisis" (and I really emphasize the quotes here) at some point when they realize that life is happening to them. I am, by no means, unhappy. I am blessed, thankful, and appreciative for the people I know, places I've been, and things that are left in store for me. Please don't tally this up as a "poor pitiful me" post. I don't mean it in that sense at all.
I just felt like I should write about the way some of you may have felt in the past, or some of the feelings that are to be felt in the future. This isn't easy, yet it isn't horrible either. This is the way things go, and I know the ones who have truly been there for me all this time won't stray after distance brings us apart, I am not naive to the fact that it will be difficult. I just believe this summer is the epilogue to the rest of them as we wrap up our last few summer night drives down dirt roads, singing to songs that make us feel happy, walking barefoot around an old pond dam, and sitting in the back of trucks with the sound of locusts squealing in the background. All of these things have happened, all of them I've looked forward to with each last day of school.
Now? I will cherish every moment I have like that this summer. I look forward to the times that we can take advantage of the little things I hold onto. I will try my best to better understand the connections that have bonded us for so many years. I will hang on to every second of the time spent with each of the special people I have in my life. I will continue to remember the summer's that have molded me into the individual I am today. I will not let go of the love that radiated the night's of three consecutive months for basically all of my teenage life. Those nights that turned into those mornings that were really afternoons will always be ours.
I can't let my mind wander back without remembering the impact you have left on me. In this second right now, I can't imagine forgetting you & letting you walk away as if nothing ever happened. You are the main ingredient to the reason that the smell of a late summer night reminds me of you, and you are the icing on the cake of the afternoons we spent together. You are the voice of the past that rings in my ear as I playback the days that I thought would never end. You have taught me a lot that I know about myself, and we've stood beside each other as we have grown up. Throughout every season of my life, I've always found you amongst a crowd of people. You have made me happy; you have made me sad. You have forced feelings of weakness, and encouraged moments of strength. You are beautiful to me, and no one - not even you when you think of yourself at your worst - can change my opinion. You are more than one chapter in the book of my life. NO one knows me like you all do. No one tries to understand me like you do. And no one, no one could ever love you more than I do now, have in the past, or ever will. No one can take that away.
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