the big three-oh.

Thirty years ago today.. Bobby Persons & Pam Waid's life changed forever.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam married their best friends.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam began a journey of a lifetime.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam stepped foot into a whole world.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam made a commitment to each other.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby watched Pam walk down the isle in her snow white dress.
Thirty years ago today.. Pam saw Bobby waiting at the end of that isle.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam watched as their family and friends gathered for this special event.
Thirty years ago today.. Bobby & Pam stood amongst a crowd and vowed to never be apart.

Thirty years down the road.. Bobby & Pam are my father & mother and I couldn't be more thankful for the two of them. They have taught me through example what it is like to truly have a best friend who will never leave your side. My father has been a wonderful example of the personality I look for in a husband, and my mother has been the rock that I seek to be for my family one day. I hope that when I'm married with children, I will be able to show them love in the form that my parents have always shown to my brother & I.

Thank you for everything you do each & every day. 

Click here to see another post about Bobby & Pam, and a few photos from their "younger" days ;)

with that being said...

It always seems to fly by, from the moment I'm with you until the time I leave - time never seems to last long enough. We could spend days on end together, but each moment is instilled in my memory as if we had only been together for a few seconds. Your smile holds a place in my mind that I can recall so vividly whenever I want, and your laugh echoes through my ears as I replay the times we've spent together. You're no ordinary person to me, but to everyone else you're a typical being. You far surpass any individual I've ever met, but through another's eyes you couldn't be more "normal".
I can remember the night I realized that this beautiful mess was entirely more than I had ever bargained for. The lightening bugs lit up the summer sky like lanterns flowing in the July breeze. The stars shone as bright as candles swaying through the blackest of night. There were no love songs serenading in the background, but the crickets hushed the silence as they sang away like they do in the South. Resisting the "want" to be in your presence was becoming harder & harder for me, and you knew it. I wanted to be around you. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to see what you had to say. As bad as it sounds, I had given up trying so hard to pretend like I didn't care about you. It was evident.
You are the one & only person who has me figured out beyond questions. Sometimes it is unbelievable how transparent I seem to be around you because whether or not you'd ever say it - you know me like the hairs on the back of your hand. You can look at me & tell something's wrong, and if you're listening to my voice - you can decipher my mood just by listening to my tone. This trait hasn't ever bothered me about you. I like doing the most random things that can be thought of, and I like for them to be unplanned. I like that you know that about me, and you usually surprise me by what you can come up with.
Long were the days when you'd pick me up and take me down roads i'd never traveled before. Your sense of direction is, and always will be, better than mine. Conversation never ran dry, and when it subsided for a minute - the music on the radio got louder as we sang the night away. I couldn't imagine life any other way. I liked the feeling of my voice harmonizing with yours. I've always been thrilled to hear you sing. I was right where I wanted to be. Everything in my life at that moment was content. I was happy.
It's funny how life changes in only a few years, and looking back it's easy to see that some things will never be relived with the same feelings that were once felt, but have you ever been somewhere that brought back a feeling you once had? So many places do that to me, and they reach down to the pit of my stomach and raise the uttermost emotions that I keep locked inside. Have you ever smelled honeysuckle, and it took you back to a late summer night with a full moon shining above you casting shadows on your face? It causes me to go back to the very moment when love has been felt the most in my life. Has a song ever been the cue for a slideshow in your memory? There have been the most beautiful images of being alive and living life to the absolute fullest in those memory recaps. I try so hard to find those feelings again in the places where our footsteps stand firm, but it is a lifeless effort unless you are there. It is a hopeless curse on me.
I often forget the simple things; the way the guitar sounds on the side of town as the sun sets behind old buildings, or the view of bait meeting the water and causing an uproar of ripples as we fished on a hot afternoon. It's not that I want to forget at all, really. I just get so caught up in the things I don't want to forget that the "little things" seem to slip my mind, and to me - in the end - they are the most important. The little things in life are the things that matter the most to me, just like the little spark that turned into a flame with you.
It's unforgettable. Through the day, you're either in the back of my mind, or you're the only thing on my mind. There's no denying it, and I can't tell you that I'm sorry for that. I won't.
I can twist any song on the radio to remind me of something that relates to you. Any song from Lady GaGa to The Band can retell a story of the journey i've found myself on with you. It's been the journey of a lifetime. Take pride in the fact of knowing that you've been the main character in a chapter of my life. Whether or not I have to close the book to a new chapter is beyond me, but I'm enjoying adding to the story for now.
I just wanted you to know that you haven't died to me, and from as far as I can tell you won't any time soon. I do wish things were different every now and then, but at the same time - life couldn't be more perfect than it is. It is the most unperfected form of perfect, though. The understanding we have between the two of us is one that can't be explained by anyone aside from the two of us. There's no way to describe it, and you've taught me that it's okay to not have everything defined in life. Thank you for that.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Three!

Day Three: First Love

WARNING: This is liable to be a long one! 

This could go back as far as I can remember, but I wont bore you for that long. Puppy love is what it's sometimes called, right? When kids think they're "in love" and really they don't know what love truly is? Well, this was no puppy love. Maybe at the beginning; maybe before I realized it was undeniable. I heard this quote once, and it really sums up (to me) what love is about; it basically said, 

"Love is wanting the absolute best for someone, and genuinely not wanting in return." 

That, of course, isn't the only thing love is made of. Love is an assortment of many things. Caring, honesty, trustworthy, loyal, faithful, happiness, laughter, understanding, compassion, as well as the sadness, hurt, and tears. Love is not always a perfect thing, but that is indeed what makes it beautiful. It isn't alway big blue skies and open fields. Sometimes, it's dark gray clouds and eerie forest. To me, that is also beautiful. If someone can be beside you during those times, at your weakest points, that is one true test. Of course loving God comes first because He first loved us, and what better Teacher to have than the Good Lord. He loves us no matter what. We let Him down, and He forgives us. We do wrong, and He forgives us. 

Then.... Well, then that's where you began. 

Figuring out love had always been in the back of my mind. It never really bothered me, but I did want to know what it was like to really love someone. I just never expected it to be you. From the first night you held my hand as I sat next to you in the passenger side, to the talks on your back porch and listening to your guitar strum. You were there for me in your own way. You picked me up when I felt like falling all over again, and no matter how I try to get around it, I really loved you. I can't explain the way it felt to know you thought about me, and I can't start to tell you how many nights I couldn't sleep due to knowing that we'd be together the next day. 

Things weren't always perfect for us. As a matter of fact, they rarely were! We were so much alike, and our hard heads kept us on our toes for sure. During the middle of the prettiest days we would argue. On the most wonderful nights we would bicker. It was usually never anything serious, though. We always knew we were joking. It was during those times that I loved you the most. I realized I didn't want to be anywhere else. I didn't want to be arguing with anyone else. I didn't want to watch the stars or ride the dirt roads with anyone else but you. You taught me how to love a person, though you may not believe that. You helped me understand that it isn't always about ME and what I want, and that making room for someone else is an option. You gave me the freedom to not be scared of letting you inside for fear that I might get hurt. I wasn't always the easiest person to love. Actually, I haven't been the easiest person to love. In fact, ive made it hard on you many many times.

I don't guess you get to pick who your first love is. It just happens. You'll always have that hold on my memory. You'll always have your place carved into my heart, and it doesn't matter how many times I try to tell myself otherwise, you were "my person". Sometimes I hate that; I don't know why, but I do. Even so, You're the person i'll have to tell my daughter or grand-daughter about one day when they ask about first loves, and I won't mind. You've been the subject of my writing inspirations on more than one occasion, and that's also another thing i'm grateful for. As far as letting go of you and the past, I still find that kind of hard for me. I see myself looking back so often that it sometimes scares me. I don't want to live in the past. I want to be the person that I am today because of the way you aided in helping me love. You may never even fully realize the impact you've had on my life, but I can assure you that i'll never be the same. You don't have to know. You just have to understand that i'll always carry you around with me, even if it's only a tiny bit of what we were when we were together, or what I was when I was with you.

love is unstoppable.

 I haven't done this in awhile, but here's my "Show Us Your Life". Kelly wants to know what we like/love! Here we go :)

i love taking photos. I especially love going to the refuge to do it because God really shows just how great He is. It is truly a place of peace and serenity, and it is oozing with His wonderful Works of Art.

"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”

i love my best friends, and the support they give me. I love that they trust me to give their advice, and I love that I can trust them with my secrets. They are always only a phone call away, and that is more than I can ask for.

"Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things."

I love Lance Corporal Clinton Ballard Brown of the United States Marine Corps. He's not only my friend, he is my best friend. He is a pro at being a good friend too because he can be there for me and be ten hours away at the same time. He helps me understand that I am capable of doing anything I want to do, and he has so much faith in me. I'm so very thankful God has allowed him to be such a huge part of my life. 

"Semper Fidelis."

I love my (basicallysisterinlaw) Hannah! She and I can have some pretty long talks, especially lately on Sunday afternoons (Sorry for ruining your naps!) She is also pretty amazing at giving me hairdresser advice! 

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

to sum up a handful of people, I love my family. I believe that love for a family is everlasting, and irreplaceable. There are so many things I could say about each of these people, but it would take SO long, and I fear that I would leave something out!

"Family is a haven in a heartless world."

I love my labrador, Marlee. 

"Dogs are miracles with paws."

Other serious loves I have:

 

(Beaufort, South Carolina)

and last, NOT least by any means, I love to...

can't you tell?

 

I believe in following your heart. 

I believe in taking chances. 

I believe in not letting opportunities pass you by. 

I believe in surpassing other's personal judgment to experiment with your own happiness. 

I believe in what could be. 

I believe in having dreams that no one else can fathom. 

I believe in love.

right back to the very first time.

 know those places that you've been with someone, and you almost don't want to go back there again unless your with that same someone?

 know those songs you can't really listen to without feeling like you have a gaping hole in your stomach?

 there's a lot of places and songs that have that effect on me. It's a fortunate and an unfortunate thing, all wrapped into one. Sometimes I want to sit in the place and cry, and other times I can't help but be overcome with pure happiness that I've been somewhere with you to have such perfect memories. The songs also have a positive & negative effect on me, and some, I just have to click "next".

 It's not that going back there hurts me or scares me. In fact, it doesn't at all do those things. The only way that it could remotely scare me was by feeling more than I really want to feel while i'm there. You simply have no idea how much a tiny millisecond of a moment can mean to you until you've had a second like that for yourself.
 the summer was hot, and it was in full force. There was no breeze to break up the heat; the only thing that made the night a little more bearable was the darkness of it. You couldn't have written a scene in a movie more beautiful than the way this night plays out in my mind. There was nothing that made it award winning, it was just "one of those nights".
 i had been away for four days, and i spent that time listening to your melodies over the phone, but that simply wasn't enough for me anymore. I wanted to see it with my eyes, hear it with my ears, and not have to listen through the lines of the phone. I wanted to be around your presence, and soak up every moment that I could. I wanted to make up for lost time. I didn't care what we did, we could be bored together, and I wouldn't be bored at all.
so, ending up on your front porch was fine with me. the rush of the city seemed to fade into the back round, and you & i were the only two people existing. For some reason it's always been easy for me to block out everyone else when you're around. We just sat & I listened to you. I didn't want to speak, I didn't want it to end, I just wanted to listen to you & watch in awe. That's exactly what I did. The moment could've been endless.
 or maybe another time, when the fighting can't seem to cease, and neither of us will give in to an apology. When i've driven out of your driveway "never to return", but then i find myself in that exact same spot a week later? When I don't believe i can hold onto whatever it is that i've kept a grip to this long, i always dig through the doubt to find the shiny reason as to why i've held on this long. I despise going back there, back to those feelings, back to that hurt, back to that pain & brokenness, but that's what makes the better days the best. This is what droughts I have to face in order to appreciate sunshine, and I fully understand that.

the songs that "get me" are always the same. you, me, broken hearts, pasts, memories, this, that, everything that refers to us. It's always a couple of songs in particular that I can only bear to hear when you're by my side. The others allow me to reminisce on better days (or not-so-good days) i've shared with you. Maybe you've sang them to me, played them for me, spoken lyrics of them to me, or even played an actual role in them having not ever heard the song. Whatever it is, there's a reason behind why all of them, good and bad, have a gut-wrenching effect on me, causing me to pause for a moment in my day and let my mind run back to the very second that I decided the song reminded me of you. I like it when that happens, be it a good or bad memory. You being on my mind has never been something that i've been opposed to, although maybe sometimes I should've been, but we won't go there.
you see, music stands very high on my totem pole. It gets me through. Cliche? Yes. Do i care? No; because it is beyond the shadow of a doubt, the honest truth. So many times I find myself saying, "Well, you know... it was just... hold on... have you ever heard the song ----" That's just how I relate. That's my outlet. That's my therapy. Music tells a story, it triggers the mind into an intimately personal video that plays out, one only you can see, hear, and feel. Music is a powerful way of allowing someone to feel something without that person ever having to speak a word. It's an audible way for a person to decompress. I honestly don't know what i'd do without it because silence is too loud for me.

always in the shadows.

oh, how i wish it was you that i was dancing with, the one placing the flower to occupy my wrist, the caddy opening the door for me to step out. I wish it was your voice telling me that you were happy to be there, to embrace me with a smile. I wish it was you that would be the reason i lingered around, and you, the one i watched all night, but the arm that will be linked into mine is not yours, and oh, how i wish it was.
 I would be caught in a blissful moment that no one could take away from me, and I would examine your  eyes while the notes of a song played through and through. You & I would be the only ones around for a limited amount of time, and the moment the music stopped, so would the serenity of those seconds i got to have you close, motioning around in circles in a dim room with the lights down, and a million people around us. That is fine, for I could bare to deal with your tangled heart in my eyes for only a few minutes. I could handle listening you whisper lyrics of the song as we danced, but that clearly won't happen.
 You're far, far gone from being the culprit of that situation, and it is clear to me that it simply won't happen. A girl can hope though, right? It's not that i'm weltering away on the inside wanting you to be there with me, but it would complete an unfinished story. A story that we unintentionally started years ago, and from then 'til now it is still, in some ways, being written. I have yet to find a place for a good ending, for the memories of it all always rush back when I least expect it. You, having so many flaws & wrongness about you, are in some ways, my hero. You've rescued me from being unloved. You've captured me into knowing what love is, and what it isn't. You've led me down a whole new philosophical path because if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't write this much.
 All I can tell you is thank you for being the one I want to dance with, the one that I figure out before I even confront, the one who helped me discover love in its very own unique way, and most importantly, the one who has unknowingly been the subject of my writing for all this time.

black dresses.

If you were to talk about it, it would be an endless conversation.
If you were to sing about it, it would be a beautiful melody.
If you were to call it beautiful, it would be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
If you were to say it was confusing, it would be a world of that.
If you were to want it to end, it would seem to last forever.
If you were to ask me, well, this is what I would say....

 That first night i was allowed to see you in a different light, a light that shined into (what I sometimes believe will be) the future, was a night that I will hold in the depths of my memory. The street-lamps lining the road shone just bright enough to lead the way for me to your truck, and the air whisked through my hair as the nocturnal creatures came to life & sang their songs.
 You were so ordinary to everyone around us; you had always been the same person to them, but to me.. well, to me you were changing into someone new, and you were so oblivious to that. You were changing to me because you were tearing down walls that I had built in order to guard my heart, ones that I thought no one could ever crawl over or tear down. You did just that, and that's why you were changing. I never pictured you going to such an extent, especially since you were doing it in such a nonchalant way. It was almost like you had no idea.
 You didn't really do anything right or wrong; it just seemed perfect to me, other than the fact that you scared me. You intimidated me, and for the first time in my life, it was okay to feel that way. No one else had ever had that affect on me, and I will admit that I was unsure but willing to deal with it. You still scare me.
 Maybe it was in the moment that your hand fell into mine, weaving your five fingers into my five, our skin colors clashing together as you squeezed my hand tightly. Maybe it was the echoes of laughter that floated through the air on the way home. Maybe it was the sparkles in those amazing eyes of yours, or the way your hair sometimes managed to stray into your face. I don't quite know for sure, but there was something that triggered this unending adventure that I still find myself thinking about.
 That was a perfect night to count. I've documented so many of those in my mind, yet I itch to write them on paper. I say that to tell that it has not always been a perfect, beautiful, or flawless thing. . . You know me, and I would like to say that i know you. You know me well enough to know what drives me right to  the edge of my nerves. My best example of that would be to tell the story of nights ago, days uncountable, when I slammed your truck door, thinking you'd stick around. I turned to see your tail lights glowing at the end of my drive. I had no intentions of turning back. Once I was inside, it didn't take long for me to realize that I was already empty. I knew what I had done wasn't the right thing, no matter how angry you'd made me. I also knew that what you had done wasn't right either, but I put that aside, along with my stubborn pride and called you. You knew the entire time, whether you will ever admit to it or not, that I would give in.
 Needless to say, I was almost in tears as I waited for your return. I never wanted to fight with you. I've really always tried to keep the peace, and just when I don't believe I can do that any more, I remember times like these i've written about..the things that have gotten us here today. Sure, there have been many times when we have given up without too much of a fight, but whether we truly like it or not, something has always brought us back. Everytime.
 Your lights broke up the darkness of the night as your turned into the driveway. I sat and waited for you to park, only to anxiously get up and meet you at your door with a hug and endless "I'm sorry's".
I do believe that sometimes I owe you an apology, and I do say those words freely to ease the tension of a situation when in reality you should be the one initiating apologies.
 The truth of the matter is that I feel like sometimes you're simply not around anymore, and for some reason I expect you to be. I don't know if it's because of everything we have put each other through or this unending adventure we seem to be on. Maybe it's just because I have always had you around and I really don't know any different. It seems as if you're my security blanket, the one I depend upon to know me & define me when i'm having a hard time doing it myself, the one that has to be here in order for me to function properly and "be okay".
 I know that you shouldn't unwillingly have that responsibility, but my heart can't do anything about that.  My mind knows what should happen. I know what's right, and I know where I should move (forward), but that decision hasn't been made on my heart's end, and that is really what matters.


"people telling you to do it (and even saying you'll do it) isn't enough. 
You have to be able to believe with everything that you have 
that you are ready to move on, 
and that you are going to move on no matter what. 
That's the only way it'll happen"

consider me a memory, consider me the past.

I've always gone against the grain.  

I've never believed a word of what people have said about him. 

I've always been free willed & independent. 

I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. 

I've never ask for anything in return, a thank you, nothing. 

All I want in an equal agreement that the two of us are on the 
same page. 

This is it. This is what it feels like. I don't know whether to go right or 
left, and I'm not even sure which direction is the right way while i'm
spinning in a state of absolute confusion. What does this mean? How could I 
have spent all this time getting to know someone just to have them make me feel 
like I'd has never met them in my entire life? I could turn back, back to 
those others who have never failed me, back to where my future was all planned 
out & a picket fence, but my mind would go back; it always has, right? Let's be real, 

my heart has been there to stay for awhile. It didn't it ask to pitch a tent in your back 

yard, fight the storms, be drenched in the rain, but it has. It has endured it all because 

that's always what i've been taught to do -- endure it all, and give my all. If not, what 

would I regret later down the road? 
 The point of the matter isn't exactly what I would get out of the situation, 
but rather why I'm even in the situation to begin with. How many times do 
I have to tell myself to go on, leave, get out of his life completely 
before it actually became reality? I've tried. To say that I haven't tried would be a lie 

because i honestly have. Every trace of someone else either led back up to you or was compared to you, and I know that wasn't fair for the other person. I just saw it as "right" because it was the only thing i'd ever known. Now, all I want to know is.... what's the situation.?  

 My situation is one of confusion. How can I move on when I find yourself right there beside 

me through everything? I have always done what I wanted to do, and there's no reason why you 

should be the one holding me down from that now, but you do. I can say that because it's the 

truth. I can also say that you don't deserve to hold me down from anything since I've never 

allowed anyone to do that. I've always tried to treat you the way that I want to be treated. 

I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. You know exactly how to take advantage of that

& it can't happen anymore.
 The thing is, getting over it would be in my best interest. I should have my 
best interest at stake, but getting over it would mean leaving it all in the 
past, and somedays I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that. Leaving it all behind would be as 

if I were taking every picture I had ever taken from the time I was born until now, piling it up in a cardboard box, driving to some lost dirt road and leaving them there. 

You see, I say that because those are memories. Childhood, pre-teen-hood, and teen-hood 

memories. To get rid of them would mean leaving them all behind for dirt, dust, rain, snow, 

hail and sleet to cover them. To leave them behind would mean only having those memories left in my head, and oftentimes I forget things. I don't want to forget you, and that is exactly my point. I know that I could never just forget you, but I don't even want to forget the little things. That is where i'm torn. I am torn, but in the other hand, I have had a moment of 

clarity where I realized that I don't really need you. How could I need you when you're never there anyway? How can I depend on someone who can't really even depend on them self? 

I say all of that to say this: i have washed my hands clean of the whole situation. I have had my moment of clarity about this (and you), and it isn't relevant in my life anymore. You 

aren't supposed to be there, and if you are, bless your heart because it's going to take a lot to make be believe that you deserve to be in it.

Now, onto a lighter note. At the end of each post from here on out, I will name (at least) 5 

things that I am happy, thankful, or excited about (that last post really did inspire me, AND i don't want everyone thinking i'm an emotionally distraught person. I am typically a happy 

person, my blog just catches all my negative energy.)

- i'm happy that i have a friend. a best friend. & a couple more friends.

- it's superbowl sunday, and for some reason i'm excited.

- i'm thankful that i have a home because it's FREEZING outside.

- i'm happy that summer will be here in 3 months.

- i'm happy that slow-pitch starts soon!

it's the simple things in life.

Over at Kelly's Korner, she posted a blog about "simple pleasures". It got me to thinking about the many things that I enjoy, but I don't always take the time to soak it in. This may be long, but i'm excited about this post. :)

painting for no reason, to simply relieve stress.

hunting on a not-too-cold-not-too-hot day

riding an old dirt road on a summer afternoon while the sun's setting, with the windows down.

listening to a guitar strum at night on a front porch.

the beginning of anything.

meaningful text messages/phone calls.

iPod "shuffle".

waking up on a Thursday that FEELS like a Monday.

sleeping.

sunday afternoons; for some reason, they're different than other afternoons.

fishing in the dead of summer, when the mosquitos and crickets swarm.

softball tan lines.

a thunderstorm when i'm going to sleep.

taking/having pictures everywhere.

seeing people who are TRULY in love.

watching Grey's Anatomy with my mamma.

having long chats with my mimi about life.

being out at/on the lake with friends.

I really could go on, and on, and on. I won't, for the sake that you might get bored, but I will post these lyrics.

Tonight the sunset means so much

The one thing that you know you'll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
I've felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I've been broken
I still run right back for more

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

There are three more months until i'm part of CA Alumni. If you ask me RIGHT NOW, i'd tell you that I canNOT wait. I am sick & tired of school, the frustration of it all has really had me down because I try and still don't understand half the time. We won't go any further into that, though.

I will say that summer has been on my mind. The nights that were so long that they turned into morning, the rush that I had when everything started out again. To this day I haven't regretted my decision, nor have I wanted to go back. There have been moments when I've asked myself "why" but I always answer that for myself and say "because i would have always wondered 'why' if I hadn't." That was just one of many reasons though. You know you've always held a place in my heart, a place that only you can fill. A place that no one else even comes near to, and no one understands that, but I don't ask them too.

As we drove down the road, I hesitated calling you. I didn't know what to say, but I wanted to hear your voice. I felt like a giddy child making a prank call (the kind where the person on the opposite ends answers & the child hangs up), but once you answered, my heart melted as my hands shook & it all fell into place. My heart started that racey, fluttery, jumpy stuff all over again, and time stood still. It was you and me, and interceeding phone line, and miles of memories racing down a forgotten highway as we talked about time we had missed. Who was I to deny it? You knew me better than I knew myself, and I've always kept that in mind. It wasn't fair for me to compare the two of you, but then again, you've got a few more years on you than he does.

As we talked, we plotted, and we planned. I wanted to see you to actually make sure this was all real. To hear, to see, to look at, to watch the words come out of your mouth instead of via text. I wanted to have a verbal committment from you to be sure that you were serious. I wanted it all to play out the way that it had in my head as I daydreamed about it. I wanted the whole thing all over again.

The night fell, but my hopes rose like a full moon over a lake, reflecting back over everything we've been through that has lead up to this point. You, me, life, distance, time, place, people, etc that has gotten in the way. Those are just the nouns of it all, I could list forever. So many things went wrong, so many things drafted in another direction, and the current was too strong, but I was ready to face the wind. You were too; I could tell when the street light hit your eyes that you had come with intentions.

Nothing elaborate happened that night. You didn't write a poem for me, or sing the next number one hit love song. You were just there beside me, laughing, joking, talking. There was nothing romantic about the setting, unless you consider a warm concrete ground, flies, the dogs barking angrily, cars passing through the one horse town, and a dim orange streetlight glow things of a "romantic nature".

Truth be told, it was us that made it romantic. It was the story that lies within our hearts. It was the way that we knew exactly what the other was thinking just by a glance.It was the strings that have been attached over all this time without fully letting go. It was the thrill of the hopes that laid in our future about the way that it would all work out because let's be honest, we had set our hopes high.

nothing feels the same.

I was just going through my myspace page (that i never check) when i realized that the last time i updated it had to've been this summer. When I read through it, a million emotions from the summer flooded back over me, and then my computer starts playing my music selection that I had posted on my Myspace.
It was almost suddenly that I realized just how much music gets me through so many different situations in life. I have friends who pay absolutely no attention to the lyrics of a song, they simply listen to the beat. Me? When i'm listening, i'm so focused on hearing the artists voice and their words that I hardly catch the beat the first time.
If you were riding with me, getting ready with me, or even around me for longer than five minutes, you've heard the song that describes my day, mood, and more than likely, my thoughts. So many times I just drive down the road alone and listen to music. That is therapy for me, and that is what causes me to get all of my emotions out on the line.
Today my music is sad & deep, but that's only because that is what kind of mood i'm in.

On a different note: it's 2010!!!!!
WOW. Let's see if I can rehash the last year! ...

In december of 2008: I started dating someone, and I was a happy little girl. I spent all of my time with him: hunting, riding, family functions, and friend ordeals. I did all of my Christmas presents at Dandy Doodles, and we had a big mud riding out at my best friends house.

January: In January, just as I was getting to know one of the sweetest men i've ever met in my life, tragedy struck & The Lord took him to sing with the angels. This man is stained into my memory, and I will always look up to him. His smile was one that could light up a room, he was not short of wit, his personality was one of the best ones i've ever known. He was truly a good man who loved his job & family, and he also made it so easy for people to fall in love with him. I think about him all the time. I think about him walking us out of the door and sayin, "ya'll come on back here pretty quick.!" -- Never did I think that looking back at him in the doorway would be the last chance i'd ever have at seeing his face. He's the kind of man I can imagine telling my children about. I still can't go by the scene of the accident without having to turn down the radio & cry for even just a minute. He was such a special man. He was loved abundantly, and he will forever be missed.

February: In February, Megan and I rescued some puppies. Actually, it was all Megan's idea, I was just along for the ride. I had my first "real date" and I got a yellow betta fish and named him Frankie. Does that seem unimportant? I was OBSESSED with that fish. It was actually the reason behind one of the worst fights i've ever been involved in in my whole life (we won't go there.)

March: In March, it snowed. We also had our junior/senior play which consisted of a bunch of twisted fairytales. It was truly a great time. We had so much fun, although we all hated the practice, time, and effort that it took at some point. By the end when we were bowing, everyone (I believe) was glad that they took part in it. It was just another memory.

April: In April, I was a nervous wreck about prom, spent most of the month anxious, mad, and worried. At the end of Prom Night, I was THANKFUL that it was over. I will NOT miss Prom drama. I won't even say that I had the GREATEST time at prom, simply because this is my blog and I owe the truth to it -- i was not a happy red-head. The dress, the hair, the drama, the dancing - NOT my cup of tea. Give me some camouflage & a field full of doves. April was also Easter, and I spent it at two different houses..still a very happy girl.

May: In May, my daddy & mimi aged by one year & we celebrated that. I joined TWITTER, and I can honestly say it has been life-changing ;) okay, maybe i'm kidding about that, but I DO LOVE Twitter! The class of 2010 got together and initiated our first senior party. We spent the day on the lake, riding the boat, tubing, and tanning. We fixed supper & had a great time. It was in that moment that I realized how much I loved my class and all of our memories together. I started RIGHT THEN trying to grasp every second of our moments together, but there will always be part of me who wishes for more. My life, in a way, changed in May. I made a decision that ended up causing grief, saddness, humility, and pain. I never intentionally hurt anyone, but in the long run it would've been worse. My heart & mind were in two completely different rooms of a completely different house, & I had to reunite them. I can't say that it was best for everyone, but it was best for me at the time. Also, in May, my best friend left for Parris Island for USMC Basic Training. I was proud, nervous, sad, and happy all at once. I couldn't WAIT for my first letter.

June: In June, I went to the beach. My cousin/friend, Laura, went along with me. We tanned, ate, laughed, danced, sung, shopped, had a good time! I got my second or third letter while I was there, and I was SO excited!

July: In July, I went to the Neshoba County Fair. I had a wonderful time. I saw US, Neal McCoy, Santa Fe, and other small bands in concert there. It was a great time with great friends. I believe the highlight of that week was it raining, again. Hahaha. I continued writing to Parris Island at least 2 times a week. I started painting more, went snake hunting, and celebrated two of my friends birthdays.

August: In August, I enjoyed every minute of this month. Seriously. I was fortunate enough to be able to experience PFC Clinton Ballard Brown graduate from Marine boot camp, get to know his family a little more, play my "last-first" Fastpitch softball game, go to my "last-first" day of high school, enjoy my last days of a high school summer, listen to concert violinists (my DREAM is to be an amazing violinist), say "bye" (for the second time) to my best friend as he left to start more training, and turn 18 years old. I also started to grasp my very serious interest in photography this month when I decided to take the sidelines of all the football games. I also spent an afternoon with my WILD Lab, Mallard Marlee Made. Woaah.

September: In September, one of my best friends celebrated her 18th birthday as well, and we enjoyed being 2 of the VERY few in our class that were 18. Football games continued, I photographed Camp Rock Brooke (which was an awesome experience), and softball continued. My wonderful friend, Ashia & her husband Ben, welcomed sweet baby A into the world, and she started her journey of life. I was SUPER excited about her, and COULDN'T wait to see/hold her. One of the leaders on the football team was injured severely & was diagnosed with never being on the gridiron for a play again. I watched as his friends, teammates, and coaches all stayed behind him, encouraged him, and be let known that they needed & missed him dearly. My wonderful Mimi retired from 4-country electric power association where she held a position for over 20 years. She is a woman of wisdom, love, compassion, perseverance, and knowledge. She is my rock, my go-to, and she is an amazing lady. We won second place in the Northstate Championship for fastpitch softball, and I've never been so proud in my life. It was truly a happy moment! We went on to win third in the State.

October: In october, football was still in full throttle, Homecoming week stressed me out (but not as bad as prom - THANKFULLY), tears were shed & memories were made. My best friend graduated from training in NC and moved to VA to continue training until January '10. The Senior class invited the Juniors to a halloween dance, and we all had a great time. We finsihed up the softball games (that i mentioned in September) in Jackson this month. We ate at the Crawdad Hole & sang Karaoke to the coaches..and well, anyone who would listen really. I joined the "Apple" world after getting the new "MacBook Pro" and I was DEFINITELY excited about that!

November: In November, Football season ended, our boys had a GREAT year. They, of course, wanted it to go on forever. They truly played their hearts out. I spent a lot of time at the refuge captioning the changing of the leaves and the widlife that it has to offer. Once posting those on Facebook, more people started "noticing" my photography "liking". I was then asked to take 2 of my friends pictures for their Christmas card & that thoroughly excited me. I was being allowed to have a reason to do something I loved & it was actually for the benefit of another person/family. I texted the scores to countless football games. I fell in love with Skype & was able to virtually talk to my best friend and see him even though he's thousands of miles away. Technology is a beautiful thing! :)

December: In December, I took exams & thought it would be the death of me. I had four other photoshoots & everyone SAID they were pleased.! ;) I got to go on a hunt with my daddy (I do that a lot, but we normally don't sit together, and on this particular day we did) and I killed a 10 point. Not a huge deer, not a mounter, not a record-breaker, but I won't ever forget it or the story behind it. I had the best Christmas break that I think i've EVER had. My best friend came home, i played a lot of rockband, got to know a few dirt roads that i'd never been down before, re-lived some old memories with two people who have to be the craziest in the world, ALMOST got hit my many --- many deer in my truck (and DID get hit by one...NO DAMAGE, MOM), listened to music just a little too loud, sang to the top of my lungs, danced like tomorrow would never giv me the chance, laughed, smiled, cried, slept A LOT, hugged, kissed, and wished everyone a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!


WHEW! No need to sum it up, you go right ahead! :)


p.s.
New Years Resolution is to drink ONLY water...day 4 and I haven't skipped a beat! WOO.

i'm not getting my hopes up, but happy endings happen all the time..

"Where do I start
Lying on a blanket underneath the stars
With your head on my chest
I always liked that best

I hate how times flies
I still think back sometimes
'Bout your lips on my neck
I always liked that best

That time we took a ride
Ended up down by the river side
Soft touch wet kiss
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well.

Falling to sleep
Wearing your shirt 'cause it smelled so sweet
Who could forget?
I always liked that best
Or losing my heart every time you played to me on your guitar
"Lady in Red"
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well well well

I could go on
So many things I miss now that you're gone
Your love oh yes
I always liked that best."


***
There's so many songs that I hear & say, "that's our song", some you know about, some you don't. Sometimes I just feel like our life story has a beat to it that so many different bands & singers sing their hearts out to on the radio.
The songs aren't always the greatest, they just find their way into my heart, then again, some are. I can't begin to name them all, because there simply are just too many. Maybe, I over think every song I hear & just make myself believe that they remind me of you. Maybe I just always happen to have you in mind whenever I hear a song, or maybe..just maybe, they actually do.
Whatever all this means, I'm okay with it really. It doesn't matter where it's been, the only thing that matters to me is where it's going. Even if it stays like this, it's okay. I like not knowing what's next. I like being in the place that we are right now, in the moment where everything just seems so "right".
You know, i don't quite know when it stopped & started. It has all been so painfully beautiful to me, and i don't particularly care where it stopped & started...just as long as it doesn't have to stop again.
What i do not believe i'll ever understand is peoples take on this. It is not a LIGHT subject. It is a deep, intense, one of a kind feeling. To me, it is hard to describe, it's one of those things you just "know" you have. You KNOW it consist with your parents, & your friends, whatever - for me, it's has formed without me knowing about it, & it has been there for so long, but it's been covered up. It's been covered by denial, and I've been running from it. I've been running so fast that whenever I turned around, looked up, & saw you there..I was in awe.
I've never been one to "hang on" to someone after "it's over", but i can't help it. You've got a hold on me that i cannot begin to put into words, (so if none of this makes sense to you, forgive me), but i don't get the fact that NO ONE else understands. I don't try to get them to understand, because it's a hopeless effort, and plus..i kind of like knowing that it's sort of "us against the world". What I mean is.. Not a lot of people really know what both of us know, they don't really know the depth to it all, and so therefore they really have no right to understand. Why try? I don't mind it, and from as far as I can tell, neither do you.
You're friend tells me, "don't mess with a good thing, i KNOW that what ya'll have is a good thing, so just let it be, enjoy it, and don't screw it up." Right? Right. I think so too, friend. Thank you. You know, sometimes i feel like all i CAN do is screw things up, like i'm walking on thin ice 24/7, but then again...i'm totally at ease with everything. It's perfection.

What is my form of perfection, you ask? I'll tell you.
it's the night air putting off a breeze that makes sitting outside a comfortable thing, it's the way the street lights hit those eyes of yours so that they shine, it's the noise of outside: the crickets, the leaves, the cars passing.
It's being right beside you on your front porch..
sitting..
talking..
not talking..
laughing..
listening..
whatever is happening while were there was complete perfection to me.
Of the million other places to be in the world, i wouldn't have jumped on a plane for Rome if it had landed on your roof. It's really the simple things that take place between us that become so instilled into my brain.
Perfection is watching you're favorite show with you through a text message, quoting almost every line of the entire episode, and laughing while doing it. Perfection is when nothing is wrong.
The things that you may not think twice about are the things i'll never be able to forget. You've been the cause of more than many unforgettable moments in my life, and i really wouldn't trade them for the world.
Perfection is seeing your fingers strum on a guitar, sitting beside you & enjoying the melody that you've taught yourself to play. It's the serenity of hearing the chords flow across the strings, and observing you while you take part in something that you truly enjoy.
Perfection, through my eyes, is simple. It doesn't take much for me to believe that something was "perfect", and that's okay, right?
So, that was perfection in a bottle for me. Juvenile? Maybe. I'm not worried about it though, because you know me well enough to know all the random thing's that i think are "perfect" whether it be watching the sunset at the refuge, or just riding one of those old dirt roads with you. We could be anywhere, really.

One thing that is not-so-perfect in my eyes is:
the sound that goodbyes make,
the feelings that goodbyes leave you with.
It's one thing for it to be a "temporary" goodbye, but it's another when you know with you're whole heart that it's permanent. I know that i've "permenantly" said goodbye before, but that's over now, and we're past that. The only permenant goodbye we have to worry about is one that you might make.
The reason I even brought up goodbye is because I just feel like everytime we say goodbye, that may be the last time it's said between the two of us (and I can already see the face you'd probably make if I said this to you) . I don't want to feel that way, it causes me to be left with some sort of "separation anxiety", ha, dramatic? Maybe. Seriously though, those are the things going through my head, and although it may not be healthy...it's fact, it's true, and unfortunately i cannot control it.

Mainly, i just want you to be happy. Seriously, that's all.

let's see what life has to hold, down the road.

well, this has been brewing in my mind. Hopefully my mother won't kill me for it (:

i was reading throught the 1975 Viking annual last night when I began thinking more of my parents, rather than my life. It's so amazing to think (and this is where they may wanna shoot me) but..at one point, they were my age too. I know it's hard for me to believe ONLY because I wasn't there to witness them at that age. They suffered the same issues that I face now. The wisdom is there, as to what I should do next, but I believe they hold back sometimes in hopes that maybe the mistake I make will be one that makes me stronger. one signature said something about being home "on time", hmm..i've never missed a curfew! these are people that spent their time with my parents, they laughed, they made memories, some of them loved each other, some of them hated the other. Some of them ended up marrying each other & some moved away, and haven't been seen since graduation - - it's so surreal for me; To believe that my parents rode up & down the same roads that we do, sometimes talking about the same things we do now, basically, they grew up the same way we did.
We don't give them enough credit for the things they do for us, to protect us. We should realize that they have been there before we ever thought about being there, we should listen as they advise us on what to do, but no - some of us are too stubborn.
I cannot imagine my parents when they "dated" (courted, whatever they called it). That (in my world) never exsisted. You know, I've heard stories of that time in their life, but I just can't wrap my mind around it.
Men were completely different then, compared to now. Most ALL men then held the door, opened the door, walked you to your door, called you (now..we text! - for the most part), sent flowers for no apparent reason other than to let you know they were thinking about you, etc, etc. Nowadays, yes, there are still men around like that (and I would say BE THANKFUL if you have one that does all those things for you, because they're hard to find) but back then, it was second nature. It was the way it was supposed to be. We've strayed so far away from mannerism's in today's world that it's sad.
Anyway, onward to my observation.. I can't see my daddy leaving the table during an UNO game with Mamma & PawPaw because he was about to win, and didn't want to make PawPaw mad before he asked for my mothers hand in marriage. & I can only hear about him and Mamma washing the car when he popped the question.
It's not that I don't want to see it, or even that I'm trying to block it from my memory. Believe me, i'd love to have been a fly on the wall in that situation. I'd love to go back & spend a day in that era. The clothes, the vehicles, the past times, the school, the people, everything about it seems so much fun - compared to now. I'm sure i'll look back in 20 years and say the same thing about this time period, though, too. I guess what this whole post is about would be that - - it's just hard to imagine life for my parents without children.


They are so good to us, and we take it for granted each & everyday.

"And I go back to watchin summer fade to fall
Growin up too fast and I do recall
Wishin time would stop right in its tracks.."

looks like we've made it, look how far we've come.

It all began long before i realized it. It was a nemisis of mine, that would never ever leave my mind. It would come up when i'd least expect it, and ruin my thoughts for an entire day. Why? I'll never know. I just want to tell you about it..a thing for me, some call it romance.

There's only two times in my life when this has happened to me, not something romanitc, just something that i believe was a moment to give me hope. To tell you about the first one, you'll have to understand that it's over & done with, and it made me who i am today.

Furious. That isn't even the word to begin to describe how i felt that July afternoon, i cannot remember which day exactly, but the vivid memories are burned into my head, probably forever. I didn't want to see you, talk to you, be around you, breathe in front of you, or act civil towards you for a few days, but somehow..that's always when i showed up at your house, invited. As the tears welled in my eyes while driving into your "driveway" i knew that it wasn't going to end the way i wanted it to. I braced myself for the absolute worst. You'd never put much thought into me, at least not as much as i put into you. I wouldn't even consider myself one of your pasttimes, you didn't think about me that much - - from what i gathered.

As i pulled up, i thought to myself, "no one's home. Good. That's good. Especially for the arguement on the horizon." The tension was already at surface, and i could tell it would simply break through the earth like the sun does every morning, with every beam of jealous energy bursting out in every direction, and i thought i had prepared myself enough.
Usually you'd walk outside and wait on me until i got there, then walk inside with me. I didn't ecxpect that today.
When i walked inside, i turned to my right, and there you were. No lights on, i wouldn't have been able to see your face, had the tv pictures not flickered across it. The reason for the darkness was fairly simple, a storm was in the near future, inside the house & outside as well.
I don't remember the entire conversation, or what your motives were when you decided to try and kiss me (knowing how angry i was) so, me pulling away shouldn't have been a huge surprise; it was.
"What is wrong with you...You had no right to do that to ME...I did nothing wrong...IT'S DIFFERENT, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE GIRL I WAS WITH...I did NOT deliberately walk in front of you with her...We're not even dating..."
The screaming continued like this until finally i stopped. I stopped, stood up, with tears in my eyes, and i glared at him, long and hard.
"what do you call these fights? if I did something wrong by bringing on of your friends into this, what does that mean, since we're not dating & all?"
"i...d-don't...i don't know.."
I couldn't take this. One solid year of this exact thing, over and over. Was this was i owed to myself? No.
I grabbed my keys and walked towards the door, the storm was in full force. Limbs crashing down to the ground like someone beating the side of a tin building with a 2x4, rain hitting the top of the house like hail on a sidewalk, and the wind was breath-taking. Just as i reached the door knob, & barely opens the door, he's there to slam the door, grabbing me by the shoulder and twisting me around against the door, as usual. This was usually something he did when he didn't want me to leave.

"Dont do this."
"Give me something better to do," i managed to say without looking at him.
His head fell slightly to meet my eyes, and looking into his big brown ones was almost like watching a slideshow. His eyes held memories of the first few nights we were together, the secrets we kept for each other, the laughs, the talks, everything was right there, and i was attempting to LEAVE it there, he just wouldn't let me.
"Actually, give me a reason why i should stay here."
"....i can't think of anything," he said after what seemed like twenty minutes, but it was probably only about ten seconds.
"That's what i thought." I walked out the door & slammed it, walking into the rain, tears falling from my face, and the wind beating against my eyes. I was shaking so hard, i couldn't manage to unlock my truck, and i eased around a little to look out the corner of my eye to see if he'd come after me.
Nothing.

That was a turning point in my life, realizing the romance is dead. It had been dead for a long time, i just hadn't realized it. It's like your dog dying & your mom saying "you can keep it!" There's no use; thing's change.

Driving one day during the rain with him got me to thinking, (the rain usually does that) and before i could stop myself i said something "Hey..could we..nevermind." That was NOT something to do in front of him, nothing made him more mad.
"tell me!!"
"i can't. It needs to be raining."
"it is!"
"no, harder."
Later down the road, the rain had picked up, and it was almost dusk. The rain was falling in heavy sheets now, like a blanket rippling in the wind.
"how much harder does it have to rain?"
"i still can't tell you," i said.
"this is ridiculous, why?!"
"we need to be outside."
(some of you girls MAY be picking up on where i'm headed.)
"outside? in the pouring rain?"
"yes. Do you know what it is?"
"I think so. I really do."
"Tell me," i demanded as i pulled my legs into the passenger seat and glared across the truck at him.
"Uhm, well, you...want me...to...kiss you, in the rain?"
I sat. Shocked. Boys know that girls think that's romantic? He'd picked up on my hints? How did he know that i might have just wanted to get out and run around in the rain like an idiot, i mean, i am capable of being a little strange sometimes.
"Is that it?" he asked nervously, breaking my train of thought.
"Yes."
So, he pulls over to a place in the road with piles of dirt everywhere (im assuming they're using it for something dealing with catfish ponds? heck, i didn't care, but i did make a mental note of where we were) he told me to get out of the truck, so i obeyed.
While he was walking to the other side, i was standing on the right side of the truck, my hair blowing with the wind now, and the rain hitting my face so hard i could barely blind. It felt like ice cubes pouring down around my skin, as i waited anxiously for him to be by my side.

He grabbed my face with both of his hands, kindly pulling the stray hairs away, and kissed me. Then, he whispers to me, "i love you". As i held my arms around his neck, the rain still steadily falling, i mimicked the same words.

i need a heart with a 4 wheel drive.

so, i'm sitting here in your t-shirt, and i can't help but have memories of last year. It all hit me pretty hard today, and i don't know why. I think it's the weather.

"Late November, the winter sun was peeking through the cloudy sky. Another day in paradise for an ole hunter like me, not too cold, but chilly enough to make you wish you'd worn more layers; just as i think of more layers, the thought of that is replaced with the thought of you being there, beside me. I won't need layers, i'll be fine. You'll be in there, and i can lean up against you.
I pull into what you call a driveway, i'd call it the side of the road. Of course you're not ready yet, so i have to come inside to hurry you up. You were never ready, not even attempting to GET ready, most of the time.
We'd sit. We would sit and talk about anything & everything, or we'd watch tv, when we should've been leaving. You didn't mind being late, just as long as we weren't too late.
The wind is thick and cold. So, i link my arm in yours, and we walk. We walk a distance that seems like forever, but it's okay, because we're making memories the entire time. As the leaves crunch under our boots, we struggle to be as quiet as our surroundings. Finally, we reach the stand.
The story from there varies. What we see, what we talk about, everything. Afterwards, it was just like perfection. Supper, dirt roads, movies. In that order. You'd leave around 12 or 1. & i was having the time of my life."

I'm not sure if the thoughts of this are coming back because i've been bored today, or if i really am struggling. Somedays, i am. I had no idea that my feelings were this intent, but now that i've signed after "sincerely" on the whole deal, the "p.s." part of my letter is starting to unravel. I know, i know, i know - how i should feel, but that has nothing to do with the way i actually feel.


-------------------------------------

So, where am i now? I'm caught in the midst of confusion, and the only thing bailing me out is the truth.

"I'm really excited about...."
"Good."
"Yeah, seems more compatible than...."

WHAT!?! NO! Oh, i wish you knew.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm sort of numb.
I feel like my world is crashing around me sometimes, lately.
& it seems like i'm screaming, but no one can hear me.


"You know, life is good."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, i'm just content & happy, to where this time
last year i was always stressed out & pissed off."
"You think it's because you've found your place?"
"I think so."
"That's neat..."
"Plus! Me & You are so so close now!"
"Yep. I've never really had someone like you in my life."
"I've DEFINITELY never had anyone like you."


that's my smile when i'm having a bad day,
that's my text when everyone else has failed,
that's my encouragement when hope is lost,
that's my enlightenment when no one's knowledge is fitting,
that's my laugh that so many people say they wanna hear,
that's my best friend.
& i just don't know how i will function.


End note:
I understand that the past is in the past
for a reason, but it's so hard not to bring up
the past, when you've experienced it & you
haven't experienced the future.

"Without You -Hinder" GREAT song.

41 days until i can retire my dinosaur phone. UGH.

peace is not being in a place where everything is calm, it's about the feeling of calmess you have when everything around you is absolutely crazy.

favorite txt of the day:
"So just make sure i see your smilin face when i get there tomorrow. :-)"

- - that's saying alot too, because today has been. well. ___________(write in explicit adjective here.)

i have hated every second of today, and for reasons i feel that i cannot post.

Things are so weird right now. Why're you trying to come back? I...i don't know about that.

I should be studying, of course. But, meet the Queen of Procrastination. (:

Never get my hopes up if you're going to let me down,
never tell me that you love me, if two weeks later you'll say it's a lie,
never make me a promise, that you cannot keep.
& never, ever, say you care, & then tell me talk is cheap.

On the plus side....
i'm really excited about Christnas, and our cantata! It's beautiful, and we've got pretty much every talented singer in Noxubee singing, so it should be a VERY good performance, you should come. Dunno when it is yet, though.

& tomorrow's friday....
Nothing special about tomorrow though, people passing through town who might speak & might not. Yeah, we'll see where that puts you on the friends list if you don't. Hmph.




Okay, seriously, goodnight.

49 days until i can finally meet my new boyfriend, named Black Berry Phone. I hear he's a keeper!

i just want to live while i'm alive..

picture your life in 10 years.. where are you?

Hi, I'm Julianna __________ , i am 27 years old, and i live in Starkville, Mississippi.
I just recently got out of Radiology school (5 years ago) at the W in Columbus, where i earned my degree in x-ray technology. I have settled down with my husband, ________ _________, of 5 years, and we have just had our second child, Joanna Evalyn ___________.
When i was 25 years old, after only 2 years of marriage, i gave birth to my first child, Matthew Gentry ___________. Although they're only 2 years apart, we can't wait to have one more!
I work at the hospital in Starkville, and i have for the past 5 1/2 years, i love it.
My brother, Matt (who is 31) & his wife ___________ have also settled down with they're child, in a beautiful house in the country. He's happier than i've ever seen him.

..i'll say, in my mind, this' how it began.

girl meets boy.
girl falls for boy.
boy trys to play cool.
boy falls too.
dating.
engagement.
marriage.
right?

- -but wait, what if somewhere between "girl meets boy & girl falls for boy" there's a BIG gap? A big gap that consist of an amazing relationship? How would she know it was right? How would she know she was IN love, when she knew she loved him all along? Where will the change be evident?
Now, i'm not saying that's happened/happening/going to happen to me, but what if it does? How will i KNOW for sure that what's meant to be is what's meant to be? I worry about that, sometimes, about having a steady relationship with someone (a lifelong friendship, even) and then it turning into something else without me knowing it, or realizing it.
The beauty of life is change, i'm just scared i'm going to end up closing myself up so much, that i'll be numb to alot of change. I'm not going to be ignorant, i can see when something is changing (for better or worse) but i can also see myself not wanting to experience change, so therefore, i block it out, for some crazy reason. Good or bad, i don't know.
Hopefully that made sense to you, it made sense to me.

On a totally different subject, the election. (Yes, still worried - even though i shouldn't be.)

MEET JOHN MCCAIN

Sen. John McCain
John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29, 1936.
He is currently the senior United States Senator from Arizona and the Republican Presidential nominee for the Republican Party.
McCain was first elected to the House of Representatives in November, 1982, where he served as congressman until 1986 when he was elected to the U.S. Senate.
In 2004 McCain was overwhelmingly reelected with over 77% of the vote.
His reputation as a maverick with steadfast beliefs, from his time at the Naval Academy
to his presently held Senate seat, have made McCain one of this century’s greatest leaders
of governmental reform and with ending wasteful spending in Washington.


MEET SARAH PALIN

Gov. Sarah Palin
Sarah Louise Heath Palin was born on February 11, 1964. She is currently the Governor of Alaska and the Republican Vice Presidential running mate with John McCain.
As the first woman Governor of Alaska, she has made history once again as being the first
woman Republican Vice Presidential running mate! We congratulate Governor Palin on her impeccable record of public service and her recent selection as John McCain's Vice Presidential running mate.

(edited, )


"I'm asking you to believe, not just about my ability to bring about change in Washington, ... i'm asking you to believe in yours."

(Obama.com)

-lying (about his religious backround).
-FOR stem cell research.
-FOR abortion.
-FOR gay marriage.

--do any of those resemble Christ?
Isn't this Nation supposed to be based on Christian living? (ex: In God We Trust, One Nation Under God) ..now, i know a few things have changed, and i know the world is trying to get God out of everything they can, but at Central Academy, we still pray. We still say the Pledge of Allegiance, we still sing the National Anthem, and tomorrow, on November 4, 2008, at 8:00am, we will be praying for the election. & I, will be praying for the soul of Barack Obama, and for the Presidency of John McCain.

VOTE: *McCAIN/PALIN* 2008!!!