consider me a memory, consider me the past.

I've always gone against the grain.  

I've never believed a word of what people have said about him. 

I've always been free willed & independent. 

I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. 

I've never ask for anything in return, a thank you, nothing. 

All I want in an equal agreement that the two of us are on the 
same page. 

This is it. This is what it feels like. I don't know whether to go right or 
left, and I'm not even sure which direction is the right way while i'm
spinning in a state of absolute confusion. What does this mean? How could I 
have spent all this time getting to know someone just to have them make me feel 
like I'd has never met them in my entire life? I could turn back, back to 
those others who have never failed me, back to where my future was all planned 
out & a picket fence, but my mind would go back; it always has, right? Let's be real, 

my heart has been there to stay for awhile. It didn't it ask to pitch a tent in your back 

yard, fight the storms, be drenched in the rain, but it has. It has endured it all because 

that's always what i've been taught to do -- endure it all, and give my all. If not, what 

would I regret later down the road? 
 The point of the matter isn't exactly what I would get out of the situation, 
but rather why I'm even in the situation to begin with. How many times do 
I have to tell myself to go on, leave, get out of his life completely 
before it actually became reality? I've tried. To say that I haven't tried would be a lie 

because i honestly have. Every trace of someone else either led back up to you or was compared to you, and I know that wasn't fair for the other person. I just saw it as "right" because it was the only thing i'd ever known. Now, all I want to know is.... what's the situation.?  

 My situation is one of confusion. How can I move on when I find yourself right there beside 

me through everything? I have always done what I wanted to do, and there's no reason why you 

should be the one holding me down from that now, but you do. I can say that because it's the 

truth. I can also say that you don't deserve to hold me down from anything since I've never 

allowed anyone to do that. I've always tried to treat you the way that I want to be treated. 

I've always given you the benefit of the doubt. You know exactly how to take advantage of that

& it can't happen anymore.
 The thing is, getting over it would be in my best interest. I should have my 
best interest at stake, but getting over it would mean leaving it all in the 
past, and somedays I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that. Leaving it all behind would be as 

if I were taking every picture I had ever taken from the time I was born until now, piling it up in a cardboard box, driving to some lost dirt road and leaving them there. 

You see, I say that because those are memories. Childhood, pre-teen-hood, and teen-hood 

memories. To get rid of them would mean leaving them all behind for dirt, dust, rain, snow, 

hail and sleet to cover them. To leave them behind would mean only having those memories left in my head, and oftentimes I forget things. I don't want to forget you, and that is exactly my point. I know that I could never just forget you, but I don't even want to forget the little things. That is where i'm torn. I am torn, but in the other hand, I have had a moment of 

clarity where I realized that I don't really need you. How could I need you when you're never there anyway? How can I depend on someone who can't really even depend on them self? 

I say all of that to say this: i have washed my hands clean of the whole situation. I have had my moment of clarity about this (and you), and it isn't relevant in my life anymore. You 

aren't supposed to be there, and if you are, bless your heart because it's going to take a lot to make be believe that you deserve to be in it.

Now, onto a lighter note. At the end of each post from here on out, I will name (at least) 5 

things that I am happy, thankful, or excited about (that last post really did inspire me, AND i don't want everyone thinking i'm an emotionally distraught person. I am typically a happy 

person, my blog just catches all my negative energy.)

- i'm happy that i have a friend. a best friend. & a couple more friends.

- it's superbowl sunday, and for some reason i'm excited.

- i'm thankful that i have a home because it's FREEZING outside.

- i'm happy that summer will be here in 3 months.

- i'm happy that slow-pitch starts soon!