life is so confusing.
seriously, one big
?
I'm ready for this week to end.
i need a break.
i need to Christmas shop.
and i NEED to paint!!!!
and i'm pretty sure i like this "blast from the past" (:
it's kinda fun!
we'll see what happens next week!! (;
took benedryll.
need sleep.........................
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
& i could not ask for more..
These people are taken for granted every single day.
The people that care about me the most..the people
who've always believed in me, so here's your dedication,
i love you all. Even if your song & name aren't posted.
In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise, And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see: She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal, Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me, Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.
An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer. I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am, An' what will be. An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family, When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.
My mother. My comfort. The person that i come to
when everything is built up inside of me & i want to
explode. We talk, we listen, we laugh, we cry. She's
my girl. I love you!
\\\\\\//////\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////
You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay
And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me.
my best friend, Clint. Not a love song, just a song
for someone i'm really going to miss. For someone
who's always going to be my very best friend no matter
what. Foralways, i love you!
Big blue skies and an open field
My right hand on the steering wheel
Two young lovers runnin' wild
We bought string and a brand new kite
We couldn't wait to watch it fly
But it flew too high, it flew too high
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
So I took your hand and you took mine
And we waltzed together in time
But looking back I guess I didn't know
That I was in love and you were letting go
It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you
Seemed like the higher and higher we flew
You took off and I was made of stone
I was made of stone
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
& even though this' kind of a love song,
it reminds me of her, simply because the
song talks about learning things, and with
Meg, by best friend, i've grown up alot with
her, & we've learned alot together. I love you!
The people that care about me the most..the people
who've always believed in me, so here's your dedication,
i love you all. Even if your song & name aren't posted.
I'm five years old it's getting cold
i've got my big coat on i hear your laugh
and look up smiling at you
i run and run past the pumpkin patch
and the tractor rides
look now the sky is gold
i hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
i don't know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you're not scared of anything at all
don't know if snow white's house is near or far away
but i know i had the best day with you today
i'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
i come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
and we talk and window shop till i forgot all their names
i don't know who i'm gonna talk to now at school
but i know i'm laughing on the car ride home with you
don't know how long it's gonna take to feel ok
but i know i had the best day with you today
i have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother inside and out
he's better than i am i grew up in a pretty house
and i had space to run and i had the best days with you
there is a video i found from back when i was three
you set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
it's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
now i know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you were on my side even when i was wrong
and i love you for giving me your eyes staying back
and watching me shine and i didn't know if you knew
so i'm taking this chance to say that
i had the best day with you today
My daddy. The man of my life. My best friend,
this song..is amazing in describing our relationship.
He always does whatever he can to make sure
i'm okay. He's the best friend i'll ever have. I love you!
i've got my big coat on i hear your laugh
and look up smiling at you
i run and run past the pumpkin patch
and the tractor rides
look now the sky is gold
i hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
i don't know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you're not scared of anything at all
don't know if snow white's house is near or far away
but i know i had the best day with you today
i'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
i come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
and we talk and window shop till i forgot all their names
i don't know who i'm gonna talk to now at school
but i know i'm laughing on the car ride home with you
don't know how long it's gonna take to feel ok
but i know i had the best day with you today
i have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother inside and out
he's better than i am i grew up in a pretty house
and i had space to run and i had the best days with you
there is a video i found from back when i was three
you set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
it's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
now i know why all the trees change in the fall
i know you were on my side even when i was wrong
and i love you for giving me your eyes staying back
and watching me shine and i didn't know if you knew
so i'm taking this chance to say that
i had the best day with you today
My daddy. The man of my life. My best friend,
this song..is amazing in describing our relationship.
He always does whatever he can to make sure
i'm okay. He's the best friend i'll ever have. I love you!
In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an' wise, And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see: She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, everyone is equal, Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me, Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes.
An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer. I realize what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: it's in my daughter's eyes.
In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am, An' what will be. An' though she'll grow an', some day, leave:
Maybe raise a family, When I'm gone, I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.
My mother. My comfort. The person that i come to
when everything is built up inside of me & i want to
explode. We talk, we listen, we laugh, we cry. She's
my girl. I love you!
\\\\\\//////\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////
You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
No one else knows the feeling inside
We hang up the phone without saying goodnight
Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home
It's never been easy to say
But it's easier when I've gone away
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me
What I'd give
What I'd do
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you
And this time I'll stay
And you wait for me
Ever so patiently
Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having
and It's everything I need from you just knowing
that you wait for me.
my best friend, Clint. Not a love song, just a song
for someone i'm really going to miss. For someone
who's always going to be my very best friend no matter
what. Foralways, i love you!
Big blue skies and an open field
My right hand on the steering wheel
Two young lovers runnin' wild
We bought string and a brand new kite
We couldn't wait to watch it fly
But it flew too high, it flew too high
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
So I took your hand and you took mine
And we waltzed together in time
But looking back I guess I didn't know
That I was in love and you were letting go
It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you
Seemed like the higher and higher we flew
You took off and I was made of stone
I was made of stone
Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'
& even though this' kind of a love song,
it reminds me of her, simply because the
song talks about learning things, and with
Meg, by best friend, i've grown up alot with
her, & we've learned alot together. I love you!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
there's gotta be somebody for me.
why is it that i'm left with an empty feeling.
You should know, but you don't, and i see that as my fault.
Why? I'll never know, but i blame myself.
Is it okay not to care this week? ...good, because i don't.
Please keep Drew Blackwells family in your
thoughts & prayers.
Mr Drew was a loving father of 3 children and
a husband to an amazing musician. Not only will
he be missed by them, but he'll be missed by the
entire community.
I remember a few months back, I had gone to see
Meg perform at his church. Of course, Mrs. Martha
was the pianist at this "show" and he was a little late
getting there, as was i. I was standing in the foyer of
the church, peeking through the crack of the door.
All of a sudden, i hear a voice behind me, "There's seats
on the balcony." It was Mr. Drew, i told him about how
i was running late, and i wasn't dressed properly for
the occasion, but i had to come see Meg, so he told me
to just go upstairs. He said i could go in, but i think he
knew that i was a little embarrassed of my attire.
He complimented our Honor Choir last year, and according
to Mrs. Martha, that's a big deal b/c she said he hardly
ever does that.
She needs your prayers, i can't imagine my life without
my daddy by my side. He gives me the best advice i could
ever ask for, i always know he's got my back, and i look
forward to the day that my arm is linked in his with the piano
playing that familiar song as i walk down the aisle in my white
dress. I can't imagine that moment without him.
In Memory of Drew Blackwell,
November 15, 2008.
You should know, but you don't, and i see that as my fault.
Why? I'll never know, but i blame myself.
Is it okay not to care this week? ...good, because i don't.
Please keep Drew Blackwells family in your
thoughts & prayers.
Mr Drew was a loving father of 3 children and
a husband to an amazing musician. Not only will
he be missed by them, but he'll be missed by the
entire community.
I remember a few months back, I had gone to see
Meg perform at his church. Of course, Mrs. Martha
was the pianist at this "show" and he was a little late
getting there, as was i. I was standing in the foyer of
the church, peeking through the crack of the door.
All of a sudden, i hear a voice behind me, "There's seats
on the balcony." It was Mr. Drew, i told him about how
i was running late, and i wasn't dressed properly for
the occasion, but i had to come see Meg, so he told me
to just go upstairs. He said i could go in, but i think he
knew that i was a little embarrassed of my attire.
He complimented our Honor Choir last year, and according
to Mrs. Martha, that's a big deal b/c she said he hardly
ever does that.
She needs your prayers, i can't imagine my life without
my daddy by my side. He gives me the best advice i could
ever ask for, i always know he's got my back, and i look
forward to the day that my arm is linked in his with the piano
playing that familiar song as i walk down the aisle in my white
dress. I can't imagine that moment without him.
In Memory of Drew Blackwell,
November 15, 2008.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
i need a heart with a 4 wheel drive.
so, i'm sitting here in your t-shirt, and i can't help but have memories of last year. It all hit me pretty hard today, and i don't know why. I think it's the weather.
"Late November, the winter sun was peeking through the cloudy sky. Another day in paradise for an ole hunter like me, not too cold, but chilly enough to make you wish you'd worn more layers; just as i think of more layers, the thought of that is replaced with the thought of you being there, beside me. I won't need layers, i'll be fine. You'll be in there, and i can lean up against you.
I pull into what you call a driveway, i'd call it the side of the road. Of course you're not ready yet, so i have to come inside to hurry you up. You were never ready, not even attempting to GET ready, most of the time.
We'd sit. We would sit and talk about anything & everything, or we'd watch tv, when we should've been leaving. You didn't mind being late, just as long as we weren't too late.
The wind is thick and cold. So, i link my arm in yours, and we walk. We walk a distance that seems like forever, but it's okay, because we're making memories the entire time. As the leaves crunch under our boots, we struggle to be as quiet as our surroundings. Finally, we reach the stand.
The story from there varies. What we see, what we talk about, everything. Afterwards, it was just like perfection. Supper, dirt roads, movies. In that order. You'd leave around 12 or 1. & i was having the time of my life."
I'm not sure if the thoughts of this are coming back because i've been bored today, or if i really am struggling. Somedays, i am. I had no idea that my feelings were this intent, but now that i've signed after "sincerely" on the whole deal, the "p.s." part of my letter is starting to unravel. I know, i know, i know - how i should feel, but that has nothing to do with the way i actually feel.
-------------------------------------
So, where am i now? I'm caught in the midst of confusion, and the only thing bailing me out is the truth.
"I'm really excited about...."
"Good."
"Yeah, seems more compatible than...."
WHAT!?! NO! Oh, i wish you knew.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm sort of numb.
I feel like my world is crashing around me sometimes, lately.
& it seems like i'm screaming, but no one can hear me.
"You know, life is good."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, i'm just content & happy, to where this time
last year i was always stressed out & pissed off."
"You think it's because you've found your place?"
"I think so."
"That's neat..."
"Plus! Me & You are so so close now!"
"Yep. I've never really had someone like you in my life."
"I've DEFINITELY never had anyone like you."
that's my smile when i'm having a bad day,
that's my text when everyone else has failed,
that's my encouragement when hope is lost,
that's my enlightenment when no one's knowledge is fitting,
that's my laugh that so many people say they wanna hear,
that's my best friend.
& i just don't know how i will function.
End note:
I understand that the past is in the past
for a reason, but it's so hard not to bring up
the past, when you've experienced it & you
haven't experienced the future.
"Without You -Hinder" GREAT song.
41 days until i can retire my dinosaur phone. UGH.
"Late November, the winter sun was peeking through the cloudy sky. Another day in paradise for an ole hunter like me, not too cold, but chilly enough to make you wish you'd worn more layers; just as i think of more layers, the thought of that is replaced with the thought of you being there, beside me. I won't need layers, i'll be fine. You'll be in there, and i can lean up against you.
I pull into what you call a driveway, i'd call it the side of the road. Of course you're not ready yet, so i have to come inside to hurry you up. You were never ready, not even attempting to GET ready, most of the time.
We'd sit. We would sit and talk about anything & everything, or we'd watch tv, when we should've been leaving. You didn't mind being late, just as long as we weren't too late.
The wind is thick and cold. So, i link my arm in yours, and we walk. We walk a distance that seems like forever, but it's okay, because we're making memories the entire time. As the leaves crunch under our boots, we struggle to be as quiet as our surroundings. Finally, we reach the stand.
The story from there varies. What we see, what we talk about, everything. Afterwards, it was just like perfection. Supper, dirt roads, movies. In that order. You'd leave around 12 or 1. & i was having the time of my life."
I'm not sure if the thoughts of this are coming back because i've been bored today, or if i really am struggling. Somedays, i am. I had no idea that my feelings were this intent, but now that i've signed after "sincerely" on the whole deal, the "p.s." part of my letter is starting to unravel. I know, i know, i know - how i should feel, but that has nothing to do with the way i actually feel.
-------------------------------------
So, where am i now? I'm caught in the midst of confusion, and the only thing bailing me out is the truth.
"I'm really excited about...."
"Good."
"Yeah, seems more compatible than...."
WHAT!?! NO! Oh, i wish you knew.
I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm sort of numb.
I feel like my world is crashing around me sometimes, lately.
& it seems like i'm screaming, but no one can hear me.
"You know, life is good."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, i'm just content & happy, to where this time
last year i was always stressed out & pissed off."
"You think it's because you've found your place?"
"I think so."
"That's neat..."
"Plus! Me & You are so so close now!"
"Yep. I've never really had someone like you in my life."
"I've DEFINITELY never had anyone like you."
that's my smile when i'm having a bad day,
that's my text when everyone else has failed,
that's my encouragement when hope is lost,
that's my enlightenment when no one's knowledge is fitting,
that's my laugh that so many people say they wanna hear,
that's my best friend.
& i just don't know how i will function.
End note:
I understand that the past is in the past
for a reason, but it's so hard not to bring up
the past, when you've experienced it & you
haven't experienced the future.
"Without You -Hinder" GREAT song.
41 days until i can retire my dinosaur phone. UGH.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
you just bought yourself a 20 dollar sparkeler. (:
i am watching Vacancy. LOVE IT.
i don't really feel like posting, but let's just say that i've got alot on my mind.
i'm not sure about some things.
i'm not happy about some things.
in fact, i'm pretty pissed.
where's the weekend when you need it?
43 days til blackberry.
fornow. foralways. forever. foreternity. unconditionally. agape. (:
p.s.
i HATE it when people steal my words.
p.s.s.
my new favorite names:
girls: -Leighton
-Mercy
-Charleigh
boys: -Gentry
-Rafe
-Harper
i don't really feel like posting, but let's just say that i've got alot on my mind.
i'm not sure about some things.
i'm not happy about some things.
in fact, i'm pretty pissed.
where's the weekend when you need it?
43 days til blackberry.
fornow. foralways. forever. foreternity. unconditionally. agape. (:
p.s.
i HATE it when people steal my words.
p.s.s.
my new favorite names:
girls: -Leighton
-Mercy
-Charleigh
boys: -Gentry
-Rafe
-Harper
Monday, November 10, 2008
where do i start? lying on a blanket underneath the stars?
well, i've missed a few days. Sorry about that. Lets see... rehashing the last few days could be an issue.
Friday:
I have been attempting to get my drivers license renewed for a couple of months (since Aug 27, to be exact) and it just hasn't worked out, so FINALLY i decided to go today. Before i left town, Clint came by (it had been a week since i'd seen him!) & We talked for awhile, then he headed home, and i wasn't too far behind him headed to Louisville. Hollie went with me, we renewed my license and stopped by wal mart. I came home & showered.
Got lost. at the refuge! We thought we knew where we were, that was the sad thing about it. So, we wandered around, i got my truck dirty (it had just been cleaned a few weeks ago) and..that was about it! We ate at Trailboss before our adventure, and of course, it was amazing.
Saturday:
I woke up at 12:09! (Yikes!!) ..i got up, and left for a little while, went to get some lunch at about 2, and surprised Meg at her house. I stayed until about 4:15, and then i went back home. While i was getting lunch, Clint called. He asked if i wanted to hang out tonight, and i said suuure.
Later, Clint came by & we rode around. We met Harrison in the road & stopped to talk. He asked if we wanted to check the game cameras with him, but Clint was about to leave for Stark with Hadaway, so i agreed to go. Clint dropped me off soon after, and i headed to pick up Harrison.
We had fun!!! Saw lots of deer, and had a good talk or two. I then went with Megan & Hollie riding. We stayed out til about 12, and i went home.
Sunday:
Church. I went to church at my church, and then church at FBC. After church, me & hollie ate lunch together at Parade, and then we had some family pictures made (woo-freakin-hoo) I'll try to post some up later. They'll be on a website, i think. Amy did a really good job.
Later, i went to dekalb for a visitation for Reid's grandfather (someone Clint also looked to as a grandfather). It was bittersweet. There was hardly any sadness in the room, the only hurt you could see was in people's eyes.
Mrs. Dudley, "He called me everyday from the nursing home, and everytime he'd call, he never hung up without saying 'i love you, i've always loved you, i don't love anyone else but you'. - -i knew that."
What a love, huh? He was 80? 83?.. I want a simple love like that, always giving & never asking back. When i'm in my final hour looking back, i hope i've had a simple love like that. (:
Monday:
suuuuuuuuuck. I freaking hate mondays like a cat hates water. YUCK!!!! Although, i did go hunting today. Bow hunting, and it was my first time. I'll go again, because it's fun!
I didn't kill anything, but that's okay. It's the calmness out there that makes me strive for another day of hunting. You can't find that calmness on Jefferson Street, or in the school hallway. The beauty of the afternoon is so captivating, i don't think a shutter on a camera could capture it all.
I should probably study.
44 days until blaaaaaaaackberry! (:
Friday:
I have been attempting to get my drivers license renewed for a couple of months (since Aug 27, to be exact) and it just hasn't worked out, so FINALLY i decided to go today. Before i left town, Clint came by (it had been a week since i'd seen him!) & We talked for awhile, then he headed home, and i wasn't too far behind him headed to Louisville. Hollie went with me, we renewed my license and stopped by wal mart. I came home & showered.
Got lost. at the refuge! We thought we knew where we were, that was the sad thing about it. So, we wandered around, i got my truck dirty (it had just been cleaned a few weeks ago) and..that was about it! We ate at Trailboss before our adventure, and of course, it was amazing.
Saturday:
I woke up at 12:09! (Yikes!!) ..i got up, and left for a little while, went to get some lunch at about 2, and surprised Meg at her house. I stayed until about 4:15, and then i went back home. While i was getting lunch, Clint called. He asked if i wanted to hang out tonight, and i said suuure.
Later, Clint came by & we rode around. We met Harrison in the road & stopped to talk. He asked if we wanted to check the game cameras with him, but Clint was about to leave for Stark with Hadaway, so i agreed to go. Clint dropped me off soon after, and i headed to pick up Harrison.
We had fun!!! Saw lots of deer, and had a good talk or two. I then went with Megan & Hollie riding. We stayed out til about 12, and i went home.
Sunday:
Church. I went to church at my church, and then church at FBC. After church, me & hollie ate lunch together at Parade, and then we had some family pictures made (woo-freakin-hoo) I'll try to post some up later. They'll be on a website, i think. Amy did a really good job.
Later, i went to dekalb for a visitation for Reid's grandfather (someone Clint also looked to as a grandfather). It was bittersweet. There was hardly any sadness in the room, the only hurt you could see was in people's eyes.
Mrs. Dudley, "He called me everyday from the nursing home, and everytime he'd call, he never hung up without saying 'i love you, i've always loved you, i don't love anyone else but you'. - -i knew that."
What a love, huh? He was 80? 83?.. I want a simple love like that, always giving & never asking back. When i'm in my final hour looking back, i hope i've had a simple love like that. (:
Monday:
suuuuuuuuuck. I freaking hate mondays like a cat hates water. YUCK!!!! Although, i did go hunting today. Bow hunting, and it was my first time. I'll go again, because it's fun!
I didn't kill anything, but that's okay. It's the calmness out there that makes me strive for another day of hunting. You can't find that calmness on Jefferson Street, or in the school hallway. The beauty of the afternoon is so captivating, i don't think a shutter on a camera could capture it all.
I should probably study.
44 days until blaaaaaaaackberry! (:
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