memories as good as gold.

there's something about this time of day,
this time of year,
the smell outside,
the way the sun sets low with a deep orange glaze behind it,
the cool breeze that hits just as the afternoon sets in,
the hustle & bustle of everyone anxiously awaiting summer,
the sound of the crickets chirping,
the lightening bugs dancing through the sky,
all of these things make me want to write.

 For the last few days, i've had the opportunity to have some serious "me" time. That hasn't been a very prominent part of my life lately, and it's been good to enjoy it for the last few days.
 Yesterday, I rode out through the country and even turned my radio down for awhile. I began thinking back through the past, and i find myself doing that a lot, but yesterday it was different.
 I began thinking about the nights before the first day of school, and the way i couldn't sleep for being so excited. I can remember waking up before my mom would come in, and i would pretend to be asleep. i always looked forward to seeing everyone, especially the people that i hadn't seen all summer.
 I would get up, brush my teeth, hair, and change into an outfit that had been bought for that particular day, and go downstairs. I had packed my backpack the night before with all of my new school supplies, and after breakfast I was ready to go.
 Matt and I would more than likely fight over who got to sit up front (even though we were only going a half a block down the road), and oftentimes he won that battle. The butterflies usually set in as we pulled in the circle drive of the school. Weaving through the sea-saws, the people, the mothers, and the teachers, I made my way into my classroom where all of the familiar faces were shining just as bright as mine. I can't remember all that we discussed, but it probably included how cool our new lunch boxes were, or what we brought for snack-time.
 I remember the particular smell that the hallway had after not experiencing it all summer, and the way there always seemed to be something new on the playground on the day of our first recess. That playground seemed endless to me when I was younger.
 As the years have progressed, I've slept fine through the night before the first day, and even in the mornings i don't have to pretend to be asleep because usually I AM! I still recognize the "first day of school" smell, but it takes me a little longer to get ready than it used to. I no longer have to fight with Matt over who sits where or what we listen to because he drives his own vehicle to work, and I take myself to school. I don't have to weave through toys or people simply because i'm usually running late. The talk at school isn't about our lunchbox or what's for snack; it's about when our first holiday is, and what we did over the weekend.
 Then i began thinking about softball. The first day of summer practice when we had to interrupt laying out to put on clothes that would (more than likely) cause a tan line, come to practice, smother in heat (without the exception of diving off in a pool), and running. Or maybe the first late February practice when it's too cold to breathe, the bat stings your hands as you swing, and you have on too many layers of clothes to move. The games where we traveled hours to play, watched movies or gossiped, sometimes slept, but nevertheless, we made memories. The softball field has been the link that's held me to some of the friends that I have. It's the place that keeps our memories a secret, and it's the place where a lot of us feel the most comfortable.
 I started thinking about how the first days of school from now on will be shared with unfamiliar faces, and playing softball won't ever be as comfortable for me because I won't be playing it with the girls that i've grown up with. The Christmas break stories will never collide because we won't be in class to share, and Spring Break will more than likely (for some people) consist of new people they aspire to make memories with.
 Then I skipped to the first pep rallies, the way the screams from the gym would echo all the way down the halls, and the blue and gold would flash through the bleachers like strikes of lightening. I'm burned with the image of nervous boys making their way out on the football field in a straight line to stretch and later make their way to the sidelines. The sound of the National Anthem rings clearly in my head, and it seems as if the entire town has shut down and gotten out of their vehicles to salute the flag. As the sun is setting, the boys are kicking off, and our small town is alined all the way around three sides of the field to watch their every play. There are Alumni, teachers, students, and children everywhere.
 Or maybe it's the high school weekends that i'm going to miss so much. Riding around to old country music, talking about what we think the future might hold, stopping on an old dirt road and turning it into a small party of people. Maybe it's the close-knit relationship of everyone I have around me that i'm afraid of losing.
There have been so many memories i've made with my classmates over the last thirteen years, and I can only hope that the greatest ones will remain instilled into my brain until i'm too old to remember my own name.
 I don't write this in regret. I have done my best to live out every moment for fear that it would all slip right through my fingers, and I would want to go back. That has happened, even though I haven't done it intentionally. People say, "All good things must end", and I see that. I'm looking forward to the future, to life in a new way, a different normal, but it is bittersweet to watch it all fading into the past. I'm not naive to say that just because i'm graduating in three weeks, there will be no more sporting events to attend, no more small town weekends, or anything to that nature. I'm simply saying that it will be a slight change in atmosphere for all of the sixteen graduates. We will all, in some way, form or fashion, grow away from each other (or most of us will), and that too, is bittersweet.

you should have seen it in color.

actually, I should have seen it in color. 

i thoroughly love being with my daddy in the woods; nothing else matters to me when i'm there.

there's just some days when i like to leave town in the rearview and be able to step out in the country & just be still for a moment. 

i try to grasp the little images in my mind; the ones that i can't capture through the lens of a camera like the smell of the air, or the feel of the grass on my feet & the wind in my face. 

sometimes though, there's just no way of explaining it. You just have to be there to see for yourself. 

& when daddy starts talking about the "way things were" when he was growing up, I imagine him doing the same thing. I can see him trying to take in every second of the beauty that surrounded him.

we can be standing out in a broad open field, and he portrays a story of his childhood to me, making me feel as if it were all taking place right then and there.

there are so many things that he speaks of that used to be so different compared to now, and I know that when i'm telling stories to my children (Lord willing!!), they will probably say the same thing.

i guess the truth of it all is that everything, no matter when or where, had it's time of beauty & remembrance. There was a day when it had its time to "shine".

 

& maybe now it has rusted, whithered, or faded away, but that's where people like my Daddy come in and bring it all back to life for me to see it the way he did. 

and that is when i truly wish I could've seen it in color. 

bittersweetness.

22 more days of school.
life itself, for now, isn't that wonderful.
then again, it is.

this has all been a whirlwind to me, but a few (amazing) changes have occured lately!

• Canon Rebel (lovelovelovelovelovelovelove)
• Honda Pilot (superlovelovelovelovelovelove)

I cannot BLOG about how excited i truly was about both of these changes!

so long, black chevrolet. You've got some memories inside those six windows, held secrets that no one will ever know, gone places i loved to be, heard my laughs & cries throughout the course of our rides. You've traveled many miles with me, and i will truly miss you......especially during hunting/fishing seasons.

Easter Sunday was nice. Mom cooked breakfast, but of course I slept through it. Church put on a cantata, and it was simply amazing. I loved the songs, and I also loved that the church was jam packed. It is somewhat sad to me that I hardly see some of those people unless it's due to a holiday. That's a whole new post, though. :) Instead of turning over that bucket of water, here are some pictures. 

(ignore my "i've been asleep hair"; it wasn't cooperating today.

and along with my yellow, yellow, yellow (you can't see, but I have yellow nails!) SPRING IS HERE!

and i could not be more thrilled. Hello, summer.

i don't hear nothin' & it's a beautiful sound.

AH! I should get back in my blogging swing! This is just a quick update on the Photoshopping i've been doing. Thank you, Ashia, for installing it correctly. This Macintosh still blows my mind daily. Anyway, I've been checking out MckMama's photography "lessons", and she is very helpful! One day when I feel like wasting (or maybe it's not wasting?) I will sit down and play with PSE for a LONG time.!

This was a snap I took in our neighbors yard!


i edited this a little through iPhoto:

and i continued through Photoshop:

I know I have a LOT to learn, but it's so much fun!

can't you tell?

 

I believe in following your heart. 

I believe in taking chances. 

I believe in not letting opportunities pass you by. 

I believe in surpassing other's personal judgment to experiment with your own happiness. 

I believe in what could be. 

I believe in having dreams that no one else can fathom. 

I believe in love.

right back to the very first time.

 know those places that you've been with someone, and you almost don't want to go back there again unless your with that same someone?

 know those songs you can't really listen to without feeling like you have a gaping hole in your stomach?

 there's a lot of places and songs that have that effect on me. It's a fortunate and an unfortunate thing, all wrapped into one. Sometimes I want to sit in the place and cry, and other times I can't help but be overcome with pure happiness that I've been somewhere with you to have such perfect memories. The songs also have a positive & negative effect on me, and some, I just have to click "next".

 It's not that going back there hurts me or scares me. In fact, it doesn't at all do those things. The only way that it could remotely scare me was by feeling more than I really want to feel while i'm there. You simply have no idea how much a tiny millisecond of a moment can mean to you until you've had a second like that for yourself.
 the summer was hot, and it was in full force. There was no breeze to break up the heat; the only thing that made the night a little more bearable was the darkness of it. You couldn't have written a scene in a movie more beautiful than the way this night plays out in my mind. There was nothing that made it award winning, it was just "one of those nights".
 i had been away for four days, and i spent that time listening to your melodies over the phone, but that simply wasn't enough for me anymore. I wanted to see it with my eyes, hear it with my ears, and not have to listen through the lines of the phone. I wanted to be around your presence, and soak up every moment that I could. I wanted to make up for lost time. I didn't care what we did, we could be bored together, and I wouldn't be bored at all.
so, ending up on your front porch was fine with me. the rush of the city seemed to fade into the back round, and you & i were the only two people existing. For some reason it's always been easy for me to block out everyone else when you're around. We just sat & I listened to you. I didn't want to speak, I didn't want it to end, I just wanted to listen to you & watch in awe. That's exactly what I did. The moment could've been endless.
 or maybe another time, when the fighting can't seem to cease, and neither of us will give in to an apology. When i've driven out of your driveway "never to return", but then i find myself in that exact same spot a week later? When I don't believe i can hold onto whatever it is that i've kept a grip to this long, i always dig through the doubt to find the shiny reason as to why i've held on this long. I despise going back there, back to those feelings, back to that hurt, back to that pain & brokenness, but that's what makes the better days the best. This is what droughts I have to face in order to appreciate sunshine, and I fully understand that.

the songs that "get me" are always the same. you, me, broken hearts, pasts, memories, this, that, everything that refers to us. It's always a couple of songs in particular that I can only bear to hear when you're by my side. The others allow me to reminisce on better days (or not-so-good days) i've shared with you. Maybe you've sang them to me, played them for me, spoken lyrics of them to me, or even played an actual role in them having not ever heard the song. Whatever it is, there's a reason behind why all of them, good and bad, have a gut-wrenching effect on me, causing me to pause for a moment in my day and let my mind run back to the very second that I decided the song reminded me of you. I like it when that happens, be it a good or bad memory. You being on my mind has never been something that i've been opposed to, although maybe sometimes I should've been, but we won't go there.
you see, music stands very high on my totem pole. It gets me through. Cliche? Yes. Do i care? No; because it is beyond the shadow of a doubt, the honest truth. So many times I find myself saying, "Well, you know... it was just... hold on... have you ever heard the song ----" That's just how I relate. That's my outlet. That's my therapy. Music tells a story, it triggers the mind into an intimately personal video that plays out, one only you can see, hear, and feel. Music is a powerful way of allowing someone to feel something without that person ever having to speak a word. It's an audible way for a person to decompress. I honestly don't know what i'd do without it because silence is too loud for me.