i need a heart with a 4 wheel drive.

so, i'm sitting here in your t-shirt, and i can't help but have memories of last year. It all hit me pretty hard today, and i don't know why. I think it's the weather.

"Late November, the winter sun was peeking through the cloudy sky. Another day in paradise for an ole hunter like me, not too cold, but chilly enough to make you wish you'd worn more layers; just as i think of more layers, the thought of that is replaced with the thought of you being there, beside me. I won't need layers, i'll be fine. You'll be in there, and i can lean up against you.
I pull into what you call a driveway, i'd call it the side of the road. Of course you're not ready yet, so i have to come inside to hurry you up. You were never ready, not even attempting to GET ready, most of the time.
We'd sit. We would sit and talk about anything & everything, or we'd watch tv, when we should've been leaving. You didn't mind being late, just as long as we weren't too late.
The wind is thick and cold. So, i link my arm in yours, and we walk. We walk a distance that seems like forever, but it's okay, because we're making memories the entire time. As the leaves crunch under our boots, we struggle to be as quiet as our surroundings. Finally, we reach the stand.
The story from there varies. What we see, what we talk about, everything. Afterwards, it was just like perfection. Supper, dirt roads, movies. In that order. You'd leave around 12 or 1. & i was having the time of my life."

I'm not sure if the thoughts of this are coming back because i've been bored today, or if i really am struggling. Somedays, i am. I had no idea that my feelings were this intent, but now that i've signed after "sincerely" on the whole deal, the "p.s." part of my letter is starting to unravel. I know, i know, i know - how i should feel, but that has nothing to do with the way i actually feel.


-------------------------------------

So, where am i now? I'm caught in the midst of confusion, and the only thing bailing me out is the truth.

"I'm really excited about...."
"Good."
"Yeah, seems more compatible than...."

WHAT!?! NO! Oh, i wish you knew.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm sort of numb.
I feel like my world is crashing around me sometimes, lately.
& it seems like i'm screaming, but no one can hear me.


"You know, life is good."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know, i'm just content & happy, to where this time
last year i was always stressed out & pissed off."
"You think it's because you've found your place?"
"I think so."
"That's neat..."
"Plus! Me & You are so so close now!"
"Yep. I've never really had someone like you in my life."
"I've DEFINITELY never had anyone like you."


that's my smile when i'm having a bad day,
that's my text when everyone else has failed,
that's my encouragement when hope is lost,
that's my enlightenment when no one's knowledge is fitting,
that's my laugh that so many people say they wanna hear,
that's my best friend.
& i just don't know how i will function.


End note:
I understand that the past is in the past
for a reason, but it's so hard not to bring up
the past, when you've experienced it & you
haven't experienced the future.

"Without You -Hinder" GREAT song.

41 days until i can retire my dinosaur phone. UGH.